No more compromise and no more lies....

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and it's had me thinking about changes. I've been through a lot of change this year, just juggling the 9 different sets of appointments I have to keep track of at any given time is hard enough! It's funny how so many things have stayed the same, but at the same time so many things have changed!

So here I sit at the cusp of another new year. I dont like the idea of resolutions, they're always doomed to failure so I refused to go there. But I do have aspirations and goals for 2015. There will be a lot going on next year - here's just a few things on our books for the new year:

- Mid January: get concretor quote and book the building of our new outdoor area
- 17th January: off to Sydney for the twin's first birthday
- Feb-March: Going to Wicked for my birthday in Brisbane :)
- April: 11 year wedding anniversary, hopefully marked with a bbq in our new outdoor area (please God!)
- Around May: short cruise with Robyn (practice cruise for the big one at the end of the year!)
- Fingers crossed singing lessons (if I get the scholarship!) and Choral society throughout the year
- End of September: 12 months post surgery and hopefully will be at goal weight range
- End of 2015: Cruise to NZ with Robyn :)
- December 2015: Big family Christmas at the Tough's :) the first of many!

I have so many hopes and aspirations for this coming year, I am actually a lot more hopeful for the new year than I have been in a really long time. Here's some of my hopes for 2015:

- I am believing that this year will give me the opportunity to reconnect with myself and with God. I've been floating on the fringes of Church life this year, not really able to commit to anything and not really mentally or emotionally able to immerse myself or be vulnerable enough to commit to a church family. This year I want to change that.
- This year I also want to get stuck into regular therapy to address the mental and emotional issues I have around food. This will form the bulk of the changes I need to adopt for the rest of my life that will ensure permanent weight loss.
- I want to ensure that I remain connected to music in some way, and most likely that will be through Choral society and hopefully the scholarship I have applied for that will allow me to continue vocal lessons at the conservatorium. This is going to be something of great importance to me, not just because I'll be able to continue honing my skills but also it will give me the opportunity to meet new people and make new friends.
- I wont be engaging in formal university study this year, but instead I'll be working through two books - "The Happiness Trap" and "If Not Dieting Then What" - both books have worksheets to work through that will help me identify faulty thinking and habits that are not in line with my goals for weightloss and health.
- I have armed myself with diaries, apps and tools to try and keep track of all my appointments and commitments this year and I am making a commitment to myself that my "yes will be yes" and my "no will be no" when it comes to things like appointments, my gym sessions, and all the rules and regulations that govern my day. These rules include rules around fluid consumption after eating a meal, no take away foods, no high calorie foods (or limited amount) limiting processed foods, benefibre and movicol daily, taking my meds daily and ensuring I pack a lunch every day rather than relying on store bought foods for lunches.
- I will be getting a gym program together that will be followed regularly to ensure that I build strength muscle and tone
- I will have no hesitation in getting rid of any and all relationships that are not healthy for me to have and i am determined that this year I will not be defined by anyone else. This is a bit of a challenge for me as it's a real change in thinking, but I've already started taking steps to ensure that the people who are around right now are people who are supportive of my goals and dreams and who are healthy and moral influences in my life.
- I am keen to engage the "quiet life" after a year of surgeries and doctors appointments - now is the time to settle a little and enjoy the mundane.

Above all else I want a quiet, fulfilling and satisfying 2015 where I learn a new way to live with new habits and with a new focus. It's time to put away my old self and reimmerse myself into things that I love and enjoy and that I value. I'm done wasting time on people who aren't worth it, and I'm done wasting resources on things that wont make my life better. I want this year to be a time of healing, a time of rejuvenation, and a time to rediscover the things that are most important to me.

I wish you all a very happy and healthy New Years, and a fabulous 2015. May you find growth and purpose in a new beginning.

The Gambler...

As a child I was one of those kids that was maddeningly hell bent on dreaming away life....my feet could be practically anywhere at any given moment and guaranteed my head would be somewhere completely different. When I wasn't whiling away the hours dreaming of the future I could be spent in front of our stereo pouring over my parents records.

On one such record, Kenny Rogers would sing "you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run"

I haven't been very good at knowing when to fold, and nowhere is this more true than in my friendships. Over the years the way I've related to others has always been a bit like holding a bar of soap in the shower....I'd old on for dear life and they'd slip through my fingers! Until Brad, my romantic relationships were much the same I'm afraid....but eventually I learned that I didn't have to hold on so tight anymore, and I calmed down. 

Well, I feel like I've begun doing the same with my friendships as well. On this funny journey I'm on the one thing I didn't expect to happen has happened, and with the one person I least expected it to happen with. 

Ok, I'm talking in riddles...

When I started this, one of my first considerations was my very closest and dearest friend. For her own anonymity lets call her Lucy. Lucy and I were as close as close could be, we have a long history. She had only recently considered her own weight loss surgery options and had mentioned this several times to me during conversations. When I made the decision to have gastric sleeve surgery I was tortured because I didn't want her to think that I had made that decision based upon her consideration of such a surgery - I didn't want her to believe I had done this to somehow steal her thunder, or had done it in any way lightly or without due consideration. I wanted her to know that I had made the decision completely on my own, because I had done so. So I waited for a while before telling her. It was a big deal, a really big deal, and I stressed to her at the time how seriously I was taking it all. I told her then that I would be relying upon her support during the journey and would need my best friend very very much. 

Weeks went by, then months. I didn't hear from her, and apart from the occasional conversation or comment on facebook there was basically silence. I went through ankle surgery, and wanted to make a trip up to Qld to visit all my close friends before I had the gastric sleeve surgery. We made plans to meet, and despite her trying to do the usual trick of pulling out at the last minute, and offering me the alternative of driving an extra 2.5 hours to meet her for breakfast (I was rather insulted and told her in no uncertain terms I wouldn't be doing that just because she wanted to break our plans so she then finally caved and honoured her commitment) we met in Brisbane for coffee and shopping. 

I sat her down and told her how hurt I'd been about her silence and her trying to back out of our plans at the last minute, and I reminded her again of my impending surgery and how much I was going through. I told her that I needed to be a little selfish on my own part for a little while, and that I needed above all else to know that she was going to be there for me. I told her I needed her to really BE there, to be in touch and to be involved. I said "you're either on the support Pam train, or you're not". At the time I got "yeah yeah I totally am" but then by the end of our visit she hugged me and said "now if you don't hear from me for a while don't worry, it doesn't mean I'm a bad friend..." Translation - forget everything you said earlier, here's the truth: you won't hear from me for possibly months and months and I am basically asking for a free pass to ditch you right when you need me the most"

I was heart broken. But I kept believing that she'd at LEAST get in touch before the surgery or at the VERY least on the day of the surgery to check I was still alive. I waited, and waited and waited. I didn't seek her out because I was convinced that eventually I'd hear from her. 

Well you can guess what happened next. The surgery date came and went. I went from the beginning of September ( a text message advising me that she'd put me down as a rental reference and during which I reminded her again of my date and location of the surgery and she said she'd mark it on her calendar) all the way through to 25th of December without so much as a word. On Christmas day I got a "merry christmas" on one of my photos - that was the first word I had received. 

I reflected upon this for a while. Granted I didn't reach out to her at all. I didn't make any contact with her for a couple of reasons. The first was that I was absolutely flat out getting ready for the surgery and working through a lot of CRAP emotionally and mentally that was taking up my energy and time. And the second was because I wanted to give her the opportunity to make an effort knowing how important this was for me. Maybe I should have reached out, but I was hurt and I felt like I had always done the reaching out - it was so important to me that just once I stand back and let things happen rather than squeezing that soap so tight. 

When it didn't happen, I was partially not surprised and partially gutted. I had kept defending her in my head, but I couldn't escape the fact that she plain forgot one of the most important things that had ever happened to me in my life, and after I had reminded her over and over. It also made me realise that I had invested WAY more into our friendship than she had, and that it was time to cut my losses. 

So, two days ago, I folded. For the first time in my life, I let go of needing friendships to define who I am, and I blocked her from my facebook. Not just deleted. Blocked. Totally. The real deal. So far she either hasn't noticed or doesn't care but that's not the point. I didn't do it to be nasty or vindictive. I did it to prove to myself that I don't need ANYONE to validate me. I did it because it was a toxic relationship that continuously hurt me and dissappointed me because she couldn't give me what I needed. It was time to let go and move on because I am ok on my own. 

I wish her well, I truly do. I hope she finds all she wants out of life and that God blesses her abundantly. Perhaps one day we'll reconnect again, and perhaps we wont. Whatever happens will be totally ok. All I know is that 2015 will be the year I require more of those I let into my life because that's what I deserve. And I will no longer settle for anything less than quality friendships that are reciprocal, mutual and equal because I don't need other people to make me worth it. I'm already worth it.

In a way I guess I'm taking a gamble on myself. The difference is, an investment in myself is like holding all the cards at once. I just can't lose. 

The Sleeved Life....

So, the last couple of weeks have been really full on work wise, but I'm pleased to say that my outlook on things have improved somewhat. Its been hard to push myself into all these changes, changes in eating, exercising, recording everything, trying to get enough fluids, tracking everything, plus then work went absolutely ballistic - and to top it all off I got ambushed at work 5 minus before I had my first psychologist appointment and I spent hte majority of my first appointment bawling my eyes out to this woman I dont even know and whinging about work - not exactly what I wanted to be doing. I WANTED to be talking about my surgery and food issues, but instead there I was having a sooky sooky la la because I felt like I'd been bullied at work. Ahh the best laid plans.....

I've also made a decision to not look at the scales - I mean at ALL. I get weighed at the dietician and I let him record it and that's it. I told him I dont want to know - if there's a problem I'm sure he'll tell me, but until then I'm just not going to look at the numbers because every time I do I get depressed and end up in tears. There's been a LOT of tears lately I'm afraid.

But I did learn something about myself lately. I learned that I dont have to apologise for who I am anymore. Yeah, I have faults (shocking I know) and yes I'm loud and emotional, and I run hot and cold sometimes because I have an anxiety disorder to content with, I get overwhelmed, I drop the balls occasionally, and I can be selfish. But I am also kind, and soft hearted, and forgiving. I am strong in ways I didn't even realise. I have insight, I can be empathetic towards other people and put myself in their shoes, and I have something valuable to contribute. I am starting to lose weight, and it's starting to show - people are noticing and I am starting to gain a little onfidence in myself as someone who is worth knowing.

I'm not getting a big head or anything, after all there's a lot about me that's hard to swallow at times. But when I was confronted with someone very forceful laying out what they thought was wrong with me I was tempted to take it on board....but eventually I realised (after a few tears) that if she has a problem with me, and who I am - that's HER problem not mine. And all of a sudden, things fell into perspective. I dont have to apologise, I have nothing to apologise for. You either accept me for me, or move it along. I deserve nothing less.

I haven't been to the gym at all this week cept for Sunday and I know that's got to change. I'm working on a long list of things I want to change in my life, to make it easier for me to be healthy and adopt good habits. I am only now starting to fully wrap my head around food, and I still at this stage feel like I have very limited options as to what I can eat. I'm sure that will change in time, just right now I still have to be very careful and be sure to stop when I'm getting full. That's sometimes really hard to judge, but I'm getting better.

So, dont ask me what I weigh, I dont have a clue. Dont ask me what my measurements are I haven't taken them in ages. All I know is that I'm starting to get rid of clothes, favourite clothes, clothes that used to fit just fine, and I've had lots of people say that I'm losing weight. I can even see it myself in some photos. I know I'm doing the right things, and I'm trying really hard to adopt a better lifestyle. That's all I can really do at this point.

As for the rest.....if you build it, it will come....

Food Diary

I've been really slack lately and I haven't been taking pics of my food lately....but here's what I had today

A few glasses of cordial
1/2 sugar free powerade
1/2 cup tuna casserole
1/2 a seafood salad wrap (wholegrain tortilla bread cut in half, wrapped around shredded baby spinach, cubed cucumber, cherry tomatos, spanish onion, sliced seafood flakes and diced prawns with low fat mayo and a little chilli mayo and thousand island dressing for a kick)
1 cheese stick
1 skim milk coffee with 1 square organic dark chocoate
bbq chicken meat, one slice of baked potato and a few bits of some steamed veggies

I'm always amazed when I type it out, cos it looks like a lot, but in reality its incredible how little I live on these days and how small my portions are to keep me satisfied. There's something incredibly satisfying about stopping a meal only a few bites in and realising I'm full - I actually really enjoy that. I really dont need very much at all to feel full, and any time I get worried I'm eating too much all it takes is a few bits for me to realise that i'm already full!

On the exercise front I'm trying all sorts of different things to see what works for me. Last week I did a boxing class and was in a world of hurt the next day - wont be trying that again until I'm a bit further along! I went to my second aqua zumba class today, and this coming week I'll be trying body balance and body pump along with a coupe of days of cardio. I am seeing my doctor a week from Monday and I'll ask him for a referral to a sports physiologist to develop a weights program for me to do alongside the cardio. Basically what I'm aiming for at this stage of the game is consistent exercise across a range of disciplines to help with overall strength, endurance, weight loss and toning. I figure if I stick with activities I enjoy then I'm more likely to keep doing them and less likely to slacken off or make excuses. At least thats the plan.

So here's my plan for tomorrow:

30 mins cardio in the am
mango protein shake for breakfast
yogurt and fruit for morning tea
Chinese chicken and vegetables for lunch
cheese stick in the afternoon
Chicken and veg for dinner

Of course, the best laid plans and all that!

Food Diary Entry

So, day two of me tracking everything and I'm pleased to say I've once again had a successful day - I haven't felt uncomfortable or sick at all today although I haven't really had my three normal meals I'd have usually - i went for a long stretch without eating anything!

Here's a break down :)

I piece of cheese before I hit Aqua Zumba - 9.15am

250 mls water

11.30am 1/2 instant coffee with a little milk and 1 sugar

3.30pm icy pole

5pm 1/2 cup spicy prawn salad (baby spinach tomato cucumber fetta cheese prawns thousand island dressing and chilli mayo)

250mls diet iced tea

7.45pm steak bacon and potato chunky soup - did not finish

This is what was left....

1 small skim milk coffee with sugar and 1 square of organic dark chocolate 9:30

And a gratuitious kitty shot......

Just cos I can.....

Food Diary Entry....

So, this week has been really really hard, and I wont go into details as to why. But, to combat my struggles, I thought occasionally I would post a food diary entry to give an idea about what I'm eating - it will also help me when I go to the nutritionist :)

So here's todays :)

250 mls water

10:00am
1 Small skinny latte
1 stiny sliver of watermelon fudge

12:00-2:30pm - 1 glass of diet iced tea

12:30pm
1 Vegetable pattie (cheese stick pictured but not eaten)

3:38pm-4:00pm
2 Cheerios skinned and 2 tsps of potato salad

5pm cheese stick

6.30 1 glass of sarsparella cordial

8.20pm 4 potato wedges

9.00 1 icy pole


It seems like a lot when you write it down on paper, but by no means have I felt once today like I've eaten too much, or been overfull, or even eaten too quickly. I finally feel like today I got it right, I'm just hoping I can keep it up! My only criticism is there's probably too many carbs and not enough protein - I had planned on having fish for dinner but unfortunately my stomach has had a bit of a melt down and I just couldn't handle it. Tomorrow I'm sure will be better :)

My Treadmill Tunes

Ok so I've been compiling a list of songs with a good beat for walking on the treadmill since I'm going to be doing a lot of that :) Here's what I have so far :)

Get Lucky - Daft Punk
Live your life - Mika
Stronger - Kelly Clarkson
One step at a Time - Jordan Sparks
Only wanna be with You - Hootie and the Blowfish
Little Miss Can't be Wrong - Spin Doctors
Happy - Pharell Williams
Shake it Off - Taylor Swift
I Smile - Kirk Franklin
Two Princes - Spin Doctors
I Want you Back - Jackson 5
Labels or Love - Jennifer Hudson
New York New York - Ryan Adams
Problem - Ariana Grande
Raise Your Glass - Pink
All Dressed in Love - Jennifer Hudson
ABC - Jackson 5
Bootylicious - Destiny's Child
Man in the Mirror - Michael Jackson
Today My Life Begins - Bruno Mars
Blame it on the Boogie - Michael Jackson
Black or White - Michael Jackson
Don't Stop til you Get Enough - Michael Jackson
In the End - Linkin Park
Beat It - Michael Jackson
Wanna be Startin Something - Michael Jackson
Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park
Troublemaker - Olly Murs
For Once In my Life - Stevie Wonder
All About the Bass - Meghan Trainor
Live Louder - Nathaniel
Eye of the Tiger - Scorpions
Signed Sealed Delivered (I'm Yours) - Stevie Wonder
Yeah - Usher
G.R.L - Ugly Heart

The other song I briefly considered was Jessie J, Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj - Bang Bang but I just couldn't bring myself to do it on principle! 

I probably should note that this is by no means a collection of my favourite songs - you'll note there's no Garth Brooks on there so it's just not possible! This is only a collection of my treadmill friendly songs!! :) 

Happy treadmill trails! 

Halloween Scare *graphic warning - if your stomach turns easily you may not want to read this*

So, yesterday was the incredibly evil celebration of Halloween - I have very strong views on this particular tradition, much like I do on Santa (lets just say being able to spell Satan using the same letters is not coincidence!) - anyways, the neighbourhood kids were all ghouled up as per the american tradition of trick or treating and meanwhile I was recovering from a scare of my own....

I made a very crucial mistake. I ate lunch (a tiny piece of fish and a few soft oven cooked potato pieces) at my desk and kind of forgot that I'm a sleever. At first it was just a little uncomfortable, and I figured perhaps I'd eaten too much (I really hadnt, but that was my initial reaction...)

Then the pain really kicked in, and I began to panic. The day before I'd done something similar but after a few minutes it passed, so I waited. And waited. And waited. But nothing. No movement, no relief, nothing. I didn't know what to do. My nose started to run uncontrollably and crap started pouring down the back of my throat. It felt like my whole lunch was stuck inside my chest and I could barely breathe. My colleague suggested I go for a walk, so up I get and off I toddle down the hallway trying to smile and look normal while feeling like I had a baseball lodged in my chest.

I made it as far as the bathroom before realising I should probably go in - just in case. I paced around for a while, clutching at my chest and praying not to throw up. Just before I decided to go back out I lent over the toilet and.....

Well, it wasn't really throwing up per say, cos there was no food in it. It was all the crap that had gone down the back of my throat. I found out later that there's a word for this phenomena....it is.....


Wait for it.....


SLIMING. Yup, akin to the little green blob from Ghostbusters! LOL This was pointed out to me by my beautiful mate and I did some research and yup that's what happened - text book sliming. And it really is as gross as it sounds.

I felt a bit better so I went back to my desk, but in a moment I was heading back to the bathroom and there I go again for a second round.....uuugghhh.

It occurred to me soon after that having these kinds of episodes would be very damaging to my new stomach, so I vowed then and there that I'd never eat a meal at my desk again - I just cannot risk stretching my new stomach and undoing all my good work!!! So today I've been eating extremely slowly, even my snacks, being very careful to listen to my stomach and not over eat (not that I think I did yesterday but just to make sure).

My goal for this week was to go to the gym every week day and walk on the treadmill - I managed 4/5 days because of the aforementioned episode...my stomach hadn't quite settled by the end of my work day and I figured the best thing to do would be to go home and rest a little. Which I'm pleased to say I did :)

So, there you have it - lesson learnt. Sometimes the scariest things are not outside your front door, but rather the old habits and tendencies we have already in our own heads!

A Different Kind of Proud....

So today was a frustrating day - got to weigh myself this morning and nothing........no real loss at all.....here comes my first plateau and already I'm feeling discouraged.

All I wanted to do was crawl back into bed and cry, but instead I resisted the urge to get upset and melt down, picked myself up, had my first meal of soft food (tuna casserole - yummo!) and went off to work. At work I talked to a couple of friends about it, and they all said the same thing......step away from the scales, keep doing what you're doing, and realise that this takes time and doesn't happen overnight. Feeling a little bolstered I then went and had a beautiful coffee with my darling Lisa who said the same thing.

But all day this niggling little voice in the back of my head kept trying to put me down all day. ALL day. "This works for other people but you're gonna be the exception....what if there's something medically wrong with you.......what if your just meant to be big and die young.....you're gonna die and all this will be for nothing.....you just wasted 10 grand for NOTHING" and then the excuses for not going to the gym tonight started "what's the point, you haven't lost anyways, why torture yourself, you're not technically even meant to be going to the gym yet, you could just go home and rest, you need a night at home, there's lots of housework to do, your stomach doesn't feel good, you have to go to coles after work so you can't go to the gym tonight (Hey I didn't say it was logical!!!)"

This went on even as I was driving home this afternoon, then I decided to put a stop to it - I told that voice to rack off and that I was going to the gym anyways.

And so I did. And I walked 50 mins, 3.14kms and then came home :) I'm proud of myself that I didn't let that little voice win, especially when it usually does. I'm going to go tomorrow morning too - and I'm going to keep going every weekday. Not because the scales aren't moving, but because I don't want that little voice to get any louder. It's time for that voice to rack off for good.

Being Brave.....

Today, as I was listening to this song, I began to cry......

"Nothing's gonna hurt you the way the words do when they settle 'neath your skin, kept on the inside with no sunlight sometimes the shadow wins, but I wonder what would happen if you say what you wanna say and let the words fall out, honestly, I wanna see you be brave"

"Maybe there's a way out of the cage where you live, maybe one of these days you can let the light in. Show me how big your brave is"

"And since your history of silence wont do you any good, did you think it would? Let your words be anything but empty, why don't you tell them the truth?"

When I heard this song for the first time, I felt like it was written for me. I know first hand what it's like when the words "settle 'neath your skin". I know what that feels like. I've had so many words settle beneath my skin and continue to hurt me over and over and over again. I do feel like I've been locked in a prison, stuck in a cage of fat that has not only become a part of who I am but is my prison warden - keeping me down, keeping me quiet, keeping me invisible. I cried because for the first time, driving home from my dietitian appointment I could see a way out of the cage. I could see a way to let a little light into my life. And I wept for both the life I have had stolen from me, and for the life I am about to gain. 

No one will ever quite know how insanely proud I am of myself that I am tackling this issue in my life. So many people don't, and while I don't mean to toot my own horn I have discovered a bravery in myself that frankly I didn't know I had! That bravery must now extend to a longer term type of strength that will have me push my comfort zone into a more active life, a life that is completely different from the life I used to know. While right now I'm lounging around, sleeping a fair bit and generally convalescing here at home that won't last. Next Monday I'll be half way towards being able to do proper exercise - which means not only joining the gym but going every single day. It's just what I have to do - I no longer have the luxury of tapering off after a while because for the next 12 months I must do what I must do in order to maximize this incredible opportunity I have to change my destiny for the better. 

As for telling the truth, here's some truth. I am no longer a product of my circumstances. I am no longer without a voice, and as time goes by you're gonna hear me more and more. I have only just begun to become who I was always meant to be and I wont quit. 

Review time!

So today was my follow up appointment with the surgeon and we decided that we would pack up the car in the hopes that he might give me the all clear to go home. I was a little nervous knowing that I hadn't been entirely good when it comes to taking the benefibre, drinking enough fluids and taking my multi vitamins like I should. I suitably got a little kick in the butt, not by the staff but mentally by myself because I was reminded at the appointment how serious this whole thing is, and that I am by no means out of the woodwork yet. I have another two weeks before it can be confidently said that I wont have a leak, so I have to be really careful until then. So 27th of October is my "all clear" date :)

The surgeon suggested before I even asked whether we'd like to go home today, I said well yes we were hoping to and he said he was happy with my progress and I was welcome to head home. A quick trip back to the motel to grab our gear and check out and we hit the road, only stopping a couple of times for fuel and a stretch. We took a quick detour to Curlewis to pick up our Gizmo, and then raced home. The reception from both fur babies was SPECTACULAR - Gizmo wagged his bum nearly clean off, and Max hasn't stopped talking and smooching since we got home (about 7 hours ago now!)

So now we're home - its just past 1am and I cannot seem to get to sleep. Brad's already in bed and out to it, but for some reason my legs are really restless and I just couldn't settle. So I got up and tidied my office up instead.

I couldn't help but feel a little depressed in finding out that I don't actually start purees til Monday - so I still have a few days of fluids left (boo hiss!) but I have to follow the rules. Tomorrow I'm off shopping and I'm going to stock up on stuff I'll be able to have as of Monday (oooh so excited!) and I think I have a dietician appointment next week also which will help sort out the do's and don'ts so to speak!

I should probably try to sleep again....stupid restless legs!

The Bad and the Ugly...

I would have spent the last couple of hours laying in bed trying to get to sleep. My sweet husband, whose brain never ever seems to get away from him like mine does me is sleeping peacefully in our relatively comfortable motel bed just a few meters away yet sleep alludes me. So, in an attempt to perhaps slow down my brain enough for me to rest, here I am up instead to download my thoughts....

It's been a rough couple of days. Despite promises to the contrary I've been experiencing pretty severe pains in my stomach that prior to surgery I would have assumed were hunger pains. I have read in a couple of different places that this kind of thing is most likely due to acid reflux rather than any kind of real hunger, yet I am still highly concerned for a couple of reasons. Number one: I do NOT want to spend the next 12 months being in pain and feeling perpetually hungry and two: If this pain persists its likely I will not be able to read when I'm full, thus increasing my chances of stretching my new stomach and completely undoing all my good work tenfold. Yet unlike hunger, the feeling gets WORSE when I try to drink anything, making my fluid intake over the last couple of days drop to dangerously low levels. And my spirits right along with it despite my husband's best efforts. 

Poor Brad. At one point during my despair and worries he exasperatedly said "I thought this surgery was going to INCREASE your confidence!!" We've come all this way, at great expense, to improve my chances of losing weight, feeling healthier, happier, and living a fuller life and all I can do is gripe about it. It's really not fair on him at all. I can't seem to find the words to tell him my fears in any intelligible way that he would understand because, lets face it, unless you've been there yourself you cannot possibly know what this is like. He tries, Lord love him, but I feel like I've already burdened him far more than I should have. I cannot ask him to understand something he's never experienced for himself. 

The horrid psychologist I saw just before the surgery who made me feel AWFUL (see previous post for sordid details!) said something interesting to me. She pointed out that my putting on weight was a way of me abusing myself, which in itself is hardly a revelation, but she then went on to say that perhaps me having the surgery was just switching methods to a different form of abuse upon myself...I thought that was a preposterous concept until recently but now I wonder whether me having this surgery was like my own brand of self harm. But then I think to myself, perhaps not getting the surgery would have been more abusive - how can I ignore such a serious problem that will eventually kill me? Is having 80-90% of my stomach cut out my own personal brand of terrorism, or a way to spare myself from my own personal brand of terrorism?

Sometimes I feel like I wouldn't even need to physically visit a psychologist - all I need to do is send her the link to this blog in an email with the message "here's where to start" and let her have at it! Wouldn't she have a field day! I feel like it would be terribly remiss of me, nay a higher form of neglect, for me to not include the bad stuff along with the good. After all, this journey is not success only, and the hard stuff has only really just begun. I'm sure in the future there will be posts of successes, victories, smaller and smaller scale readings, new measurements, new outfits and all manner of good news. But at this stage of this very long journey I am feeling tired, and worn out, and disheartened. It's only been a week and I don't have that "hooray I've been sleeved" feeling at all. Instead I am wondering what the hell I have done to myself and I'm plagued with doubts as to whether this has been worth it at all. 

Of course intellectually I know it is. In my head I am as determined as ever to succeed and I know I have the professional and personal support team behind me to make that happen. I've done everything right, just like I always do. I've put all my ducks in a row, I've crossed my t's and dotted my i's and I've sought the best of the best in terms of advice and research. I was READY for this. So why do I now feel so scared and so bloody unsure of myself. The fact of the matter is, it's done. There's nothing that can change that. 

As usual, I've fooled myself into believing that by getting everything just so my emotions will catch up. But the bad and the ugly part of life is sometimes you just have to fake it til you make it. And so, tomorrow I'll get up, put on my bravest smile, ring the clinic to discuss my concerns, and try again.....

Week One Recap

Ok, so I’ve been REALLY slack blogging about the actual surgery and immediate aftermath, so here is a full recap of what’s been happening over the last 6 days:

Sunday

Sunday morning dawned early for us, as I had to be up early to head to Sydney and I had a TONNE of things left to do before we left. We madly tried to pack up everything, Max threw up three times (including twice BEHIND the couch) and finally we got on the road. It was a pretty uneventful trip, which ended in us parking a mile away from where we should have been – but we finally found where we were meant to go, got the key for our accommodation and got settled in. Poor Brad was a little horrified to learn that the unit we have is a shared unit, so there was other people living there, but I still say we were lucky to get the place we got – it’s really nice and fully self contained which means we can do our washing etc.

Sunday night also meant that I was finally going to treat myself to some real food – Brad cooked chicken tenders which tasted AMAZZZINNNGGGG and then later that night I had salmon and veggies. It was so great to finally eat protein again! Going to sleep was a bit hard on Sunday night but I eventually got there.

Monday

My alarm went off on Monday at 5am and I got up. I thought I would have an optifast, but I didn’t really feel like it so instead I got stuck into some water which I was allowed to have up til about 8:30am. I parked myself in one of the living rooms in our flat with a book, the TV and a heater and that’s where I stayed all morning, just relaxing and trying not to think about what was about to happen to me! I had my last sip of water at around 8:20am and then we headed over to the hospital at around 10am. I was admitted and taken up to the day surgery area and told to wait there, but we didn’t have to wait too long before my name was called and I was taken into a small room where I was asked a bunch of questions. I was told there was another girl to go in for surgery ahead of me, and that I might be waiting a little while. Brad was allowed to be with me the whole time which was REALLY helpful to me, and I didn’t once panic or get really nervous about it despite the circumstances.

When they came for me to go into surgery Brad said goodbye and for the first time I got a little teary. They wheeled me into the anaesthetic bay and had some difficulties getting a line into me (surprise surprise) but did get one to take eventually after a few goes. By that stage I was beginning to panic a bit, so they gave me something to settle my nerves and I was wheeled into the operating room. They had this amazing blow up mattress thing underneath me that hovered me over to the operating table, and despite being told I probably wouldn’t remember it I do remember being angled up towards my feet and told to slide down to the bottom of the bed so my feet were flat on the foot of the bed. I don’t remember a thing after that.

Waking up in recovery really hurt – my shoulder was KILLING me, the gas pain was so bad. I also had a mask over my face which I found claustrophobic, and I kept trying to take it off but they said I couldn’t just yet. Because everything had been so well explained before hand I knew what was I in for, so there was no real surprises to me except the pain. I was soon taken to my room and introduced to the nursing staff, then realised that my husband was there too J I was so pleased to see him!!!

That evening the nursing staff offered for me to get changed into my own clothes and I told them I’d like to go for a walk. I think they were surprised I’d be up and about so soon, but I’d had it drilled into me to get up and walk as soon as possible, so I began lapping the ward and continued to do so every time I was awake and alert. It gave me something to focus on, some measure of control, and something practical I could do to decrease the pain. I think the nurses were very impressed J

The next day or so is a bit of a blur – lots of ice (everytime a nurse turned up I’d ask for more ice because it kept melting on me!) and everytime I pressed my little button off I’d go for a snooze…I felt bad because Brad would sit with me most of the day and every time the machine would beep he and I would both know I’d be out for the count, but he stayed anyways. Having him as a constant prescence through this whole experience has been the most incredible thing I feel like I’ve been able to share this journey with him, and that’s made me feel even closer to him than I ever have before. We’ve done it together, and he’s been such an amazing pillar of strength.

Tuesday

Tuesday was a bit of a blur, but I do remember Dr Taylor coming to visit finally sporting some VERY graphic photographs proving that INDEED the surgery was done, and indeed I had been sleeved. His proof was a particularly disturbing image showing the part of the stomach he cut away laying on a stainless steel slab with his fist next to it for sizing purposes - lovely! LOL I was relieved that it really did happen and that my liver was small and soft enough for it to happen safely, and even though I'd tested myself every couple of days and I had not cheated on my pre op diet I was still a little nervous about making sure that it really DID happen. 

Wednesday-Thursday

As the days wore on I realised I was pretty keen to get out of the hospital. There was a big question mark hanging over us as to whether I’d leave Wednesday evening (an early mark) or whether I’d wait til Thursday. The push button machine was taken away Wednesday lunch time, but I’d stopped using it the day before and had only pushed it a couple of times even then. I struggled to drink the fluids given to me Wednesday lunch time, and then Wednesday evening my cannula (faithful though it had been up til then) finally gave way. Thankfully I was able to drink a whole cup of apple juice in time for the nurses to agree to not put in another one (PHEW) which meant that I had a whole night of sleep without being tethered to anything J J Because I didn’t have the machines anymore I was left alone for 5 hours and got a serious stretch of sleep, and when I woke up I went for a walk straight away and had a shower and got packing – I was dying to get out of the hospital!!! Brad came for me at 9am and I was practically ready to go, I’d been given my instructions and medications and was ready to head off. I found out I’d have to give myself shots every day to prevent blood clots (owch!) and was taught how to do it (I’m so brave!!!) to which surprisingly I DIDN’T freak out but rather just calmly accepted (God is so good!).

The only time I got upset was when I was brought my liquid breakfast – I looked at all the liquid and I freaked out because I knew how difficult it was for me and I felt completely overwhelmed – amazing what a bit of juice tea and broth can do for a body when you’ve had this surgery! The nurses calmed me down, assuring me that while it does seem like a lot all at once, the most important thing to do was to just keep sipping on something, and not look at the big picture. I was assured that it WOULD get better, despite how things were feeling right now, and that in time I’d be able to tolerate more and more.

After I calmed down we dropped into the pharmacy for the rest of my meds and came straight to the unit, it felt SO good to be out of the hospital J it was my first step towards getting back to my life and it felt SO good J Brad immediately became my fluid nazi (in the nicest possible way) encouraging me to continue sipping on the sustagen popper I’d been given at breakfast as well as later on juice, optifast and even going to the supermarket down the road and getting me frosty fruits (OMG so good!). Swallowing was still hard, with pain coming up in my chest after most sips of drink. It was a big learning curve figuring out how much was too much and how little was too little. It also dawned on me just how long I had to go, and how tough the smallest amounts of liquids had become for me.

Friday

Friday dawned with me really not knowing what to do with myself – apart from wandering down to the hospital to pay for my accommodation I really didn’t have anything to do, so we spent the day lazing around, having a nap watching tv and the odd movie. We’ll be very ready for some action by the time next week rolls around and we’re closer to the beach that’s for sure! I was able to have some more liquids actually making it over the 1ltre mark which was encouraging! I also for the first time experienced what I think was hunger pains! Incredible! I could definitely feel an improvement in the way I was able to consume liquids, and I snuck a peak at my booklet given to me by the clinic to have a look at the next stage (which would start next Thursday) and began thinking about things I could puree! J Hooray!

So, that’s the recap of the week. It’s been the toughest thing I’ve ever done, but so far I’m just concentrating on healing and resting at this point. The real work begins when I am able to consume real food again but I’m confident that because I’ve come this far I wont quit and I’ll keep the next 9-12 months always in the forefront of my mind – this is the time I have to make a concerted effort, there’s no going back now. I have to keep my stomach as small as possible for as long as possible, and I must make good choices NOW to set myself up for the rest of my life. I’m going to get every single lost kilo I can out of this, because this is a one time deal – I’ll never be doing this again!!! I have to keep the end goal in mind – it’s about health and wellbeing and losing the damn weight!

It’s now Saturday morning, another perfect day in Sydney all wrapped up in our comfortable little unit like a cocoon. Brad will be heading down to the shops later to pick up some more food for himself, but other than that there’s no much we have in the way of plans. I will likely go for a short walk today just to stretch my legs and get things moving, and I’ll be trying to bump up the liquids as much as I can. Here’s to week two! 

Nearly There...

Well, technically we ARE here. We've made it to Sydney and after Brad having to make a MILLION trips back to the car to get the TONNES of luggage we some how managed to bring with us, we're finally settled into our unit. A little hiccup however, neither hubbie or myself realised that the unit was shared - so there's two other rooms and two other couples also living in the same place. Thankfully there's two sitting rooms, so hubbie and I can watch telly privately and our room isn't terrible so it's not all bad. Plus its fully self contained, so Brad can cook his meals and be ok and I'll know he's at least got a nice place to stay while I'm in hospital.

This morning, in lieu of a will, I wrote out some "last instructions" in case the worst happens and had myself a little cry - then I decided I was not going to cry anymore. I spent practically all weekend in tears, labouring over all the unknowns.....will there be complications? will I suffer? will the pain be really bad? what will "post sleeve" feel like? will i be hungry? have I dealt with my issues enough to successfully make the sleeve work for me? Will this be 6 grand down the tube, or am I going to make it? I honestly dont know. I have no idea what life after tomorrow will look like, and its likely the scariest thing I'll ever do. I feel like I'm literally jumping off the cliff, not knowing what is at the bottom - a terrifying thought even if you DONT take into account the pain i will go through for the privalege.

I have to believe that this whole journey so far has been guided by God's hands, and that He knows exactly what I need. Despite massive mood swings, swearing at the cat this morning (he flicked kitty litter EVERYWHERE and then proceeded to throw up on the loungeroom carpet - once in the entrance and then TWICE BEHIND the couch.....just as we were trying to get away.....UGH! He REALLY didn't want us to go!). Frankly I've been a moody bitch lately, but I know eventually that will pass - as of tomorrow life will be very very different. For the better I pray!

Well, there's nothing really more to do now. I'm treating myself to customary vegetables AND salmon, and maybe a chicken tender or two from the box brad is cooking up right now.....nothing too heavy but enough to give me one last taste of real food before tomorrow. I can't eat after 6am in the morning so it will be optifast at 5:30 then sipping water til 8:30 and nothing after that.

So, here goes. If I get the chance to write tomorrow morning I will otherwise I'll blog on the other side!!! Adios!

One Week to Go!

So, this time next week I will be in Sydney preparing for life changing surgery....am I nervous? Totally! Am I excited? Not really....just nervous! People ask me that a lot - are you excited? I get where they're coming from, but the actual sleeve doesn't really excite me. The RESULTS however do! This morning I smashed my pre op weight loss goal and broke through 140kgs - haven't been this light in quite some time! Here are just SOME of the things I look forward to:

1. I look forward to being a very cheap date! (and a very cheap drunk!)
2. I look forward to living my life free from obsessing about food (eventually!)
3. I look forward to looking in the mirror and being happy about what I see
4. I look forward to costume fittings without being worried about finding something that will fit
5. I look forward to shopping at the FRONT of clothing stores rather than at the "plus size" section
6. I look forward to going to the cinema and fitting comfortably in the seats
7. I look forward to flying without asking for a seat extension and not worrying about how much I'll encroach on someone sitting next to me
8. I look forward to taking my doggie for walks very very often and not dreading it
9. I look forward to bushwalking with my husband
10. I look forward to many other things with my husband!!!! ;)
11. I look forward to strutting my stuff on stage in many TMS shows (in lots of fab parts that aren't "fat" parts)
12. I look forward to having children and running around after children!
13. I look forward to being 51 yrs old, and 52 yrs old and 53 yrs old, and 54 yrs old......
14. I look forward to b!@#s at work who wouldn't give me the time of day all of a sudden saying how great I look - and me promptly brushing them off for the ppl who were always there for me
15. I look forward to making new friends at bootcamps and gym classes and playing sports (even though I'm totally unco!)
16. I look forward to the day when all the family members who ditched me realised that they completely missed out
17. I look forward to going to my 20 year high school reunion (if we have one) looking AMAAZINNGG
18. I look forward to eating real food again (in smaller doses)
19. I look forward to the day I reach my goal weight
20. I look forward to the day when I stand in front of that awful psychologist and give her the finger for telling me that I'm too emotionally messed up to have this surgery!

The biggest thing I look forward to is an increase in confidence. I know that can only come from the inside, and I think I've already begun that side of my transformation. I've come to realise that I just don't have time to chase after friends of convenience anymore - you know the ones - the ones who are all mates with you when it suits them, but only when it suits them. I've come to realise over the several months in the lead up to this surgery that there are even people who I've considered the very closest of friends that unfortunately fall into that category. I've also been pleasantly surprised by others who have truly stepped up and been there through the tears, the fears, and the trials of this journey.

To those who have left me hanging while I've gone through this, who haven't made a concerted effort to support me with even something as simple as a phone call or an email or anything and yet will get in touch when they want something (you know who you are).....know this. Change is coming. There is coming a day when I won't even take your phone calls or return ur texts anymore because I am worth more than that. I deserve friends who are present and who don't just take but who give as well. I'm no longer a friend of convenience - so you have two choices. You can either 1. step up and make an effort between now and next Monday and then beyond that also or 2. find someone else to use. I'm done being second best.

And to those who have supported me - Robyn, Cheryl, Carrie, Liesl, Bennie, Jeanette, Ros, Mark, Jocelyn, Kathleen, my fabulous family and my amazing husband, I love each and every one of you to my absolute core. You have chosen to make this your journey as well as mine, and the fact that you are walking with me means the world to me. I hope I never ever take your friendship and love for granted.

So, final week. Here's my goals for this week:

1. STICK WITH IT - I've come too close to cheat now!
2. 2ltrs of water a day - no exceptions!
3. hydrotherapy as much as possible
4. final opti shop!
5. get packing!!
6. final photos and measurements and maybe a video blog before I head off

Fingers crossed!

Time Minus Nine

This week has been a really really hard week. A LOT harder emotionally than I anticipated. I've been really really emotional, and my tolerance level for anything has gone right down into my boots. I've been swinging wildly from feeling ok to feeling really really desperate and I can only put it down to my surgery getting closer and closer.

Every day I feel like I climb Everest, only to know there's a new Everest to climb the next day - and the next day - and the next. After a while, its exhausting! Every single day I am inundated with thoughts and cravings for things I just can't have, and it scares me because this is what my life is going to be after the surgery too - always craving what I can't have. I keep wondering whether I am just too messed up to have this surgery - but then I think to myself that this is just part of the process that I have to go through, to change these thought patterns and of course that's not going to happen overnight after a life of relying upon food to make me happy.

I have to believe that I can do this. I have to believe that there's a better life out there for me. And most of all, I have to believe that I can change and rise above the bull!@#$ that my father put on my shoulders. This is the time for me to show that I'm more than my history.

And so I keep telling myself that - every time a craving hits, every time my mind wanders to what real food would taste like, every time I mourn the loss of being able to eat what I like, when I like, that this is my one shot. It's not just 6 grand out of my pocket, its not just appointments and blood tests and pain and self control - its the fight of my life. If I dont do this, my life will be a short one, a sad one, and one half lived. I cannot possibly live with myself if there was something I could do to prevent reaching my Lord Jesus and having to justify living a half life and not fulfilling the purpose He has for me.

And so today I dutifully get up, take my optifast, eat my vegetables and try desperately not to think of the food I was once permitted to have. I have a limited amount of patience and tolerance right now, but I can live with that :) Because I know I WILL live - a long long time :)

2 Weeks to Go!

Its 9:30pm on Monday 15 September 2014 - this time in two weeks I'll be tucked up in a hospital bed at the Mater Hospital in Sydney, recovering from gastric sleeve surgery.....

A scary thought!

One thing that's really been highlighted to me through the message boards lately is how important it will be for me or for anyone having this surgery to follow the eating plan post surgery, especially for the first 9-12 months as this is the time when you will lose the most weight. You have to grab this opportunity right now, you can't blow the opportunity because at that point the weight loss will slow and it will become harder and harder to lose any more. For that period of time you have to put everything aside, all your cravings, all your desires, all your hang ups with food - they have to go out the window so you can put everything you have into creating a whole new life.

So, I bought off ebay a tupperware gym kit - I've always wanted one, so now I've splurged and finally got one - will definitely come in handy after surgery but also for now because I'm doing hydrotherapy. The kit comes with a gym bag, a microfibre towel, water bottle, lunch box, two snack cups and two bottles for like, shower gel and shampoo etc. I can't wait to get stuck into aqua aerobics and aqua zumba - so fun! I also went and bought myself a testing kit to test for the presence of ketones in my system - and the result.....well and truly positive! Hoorah! I also weighed myself yesterday and then due to some digestive "issues" (thanks veggies that I shouldn't be eating!!!) so I weighed in again tonight and I am currently sitting on 141.95. I also called the Oclinic for the following info:

Starting Weight at Initial Consult: 148.6kgs
Second Consult: 146kgs

Weight yesterday: 143.5kgs
Weight today: 141.95

So the numbers are definitely coming down - a relief to say the least. My initial goal was to get under 140 before my op, looks like I'm going to smash that goal - perhaps I'll set a new one for under 135 before my surgery. Wouldn't that be something! I've still got two weeks to go so it's possible!

So here's some pics from the last few days :)

My positive ketone test - in case you don't know, thats a ++ reading! :) :) I thought for just a second about keeping the test but then I thought that would be just weird and gross!

 These are my attempt at stuffed mushrooms - complete with a wierd combination of shaved brocolli, herbs, tomato, capsicum, onion and tomato paste (all approved ingredients!) - they weren't fantastic but they were ok! 

This was one of my very first meals - steamed broccoli and cauliflower topped with a tomato based roast capsicum and garlic sauce and grilled mushrooms - pretty good even though before this I didn't really like mushrooms much!

My new scales complete with inspirational stickers!!! 

Yee Ha!!!

Today is day 5 of my pre op diet, and I believe, in all good conscious, that I have finally reached ketosis!!!! HOORAY!!!! I actually think it started yesterday...but I'll explain what's happened since hte last time I blogged :)

So, after I blogged yesterday I went to work, and we had a staff meeting first up - of course with the usual pastries and biscuits etc that I had to sit in front of while everyone chowed down....*rolls eyes* then we had some training and as I was walking out of the conference room all of a sudden I felt very light - not light headed, just light - almost as if the entire world had shifted into fast forward. I felt like I was speaking really really fast, and everything around me was going at such a pace I could barely breathe! I sat down, took a couple of minutes, and someone pointed out that perhaps it was that my body had finally got rid of the sugars so I googled ketosis and lo and behold - fidgeting and a burst of energy are symptoms.

To date I haven't had the metallic taste in my mouth, or particularly bad breath, and I haven't been able to get my hands on a keytone test to try and confirm it for 100% but I would think by day 5 I'd have to be there. I haven't cheated AT ALL and I know that with all my heart. I've followed all the guidelines given to me and I'm doing the work.

I only just got home from hydrotherapy, and my exercise physiologist had me do a few laps in the pool - I didn't think I could do three full up and back laps but I made it - I'm so unfit!!! OH and today I also took my measurements. Here they are:

ANKLES
Left - 31cms Right - 32cms

CALVES
Left - 55cms Right - 54cms

KNEES
Left - 58cms Right - 55cms

THIGHS
Left - 81cms Right - 85cms

HIPS - 170cms
WAIST - 133cms
UNDER BUST - 131cms
BUST - 146cms
NECK - 44cms

WRISTS
Left 19cms Right - 18cms

UPPER ARMS
Left - 47.5cms Right - 44cms

Across Shoulders - 43cms
Head circumference - 59cms

I'm not really confident enough to post the pictures of me at least not right now. Perhaps in the future.

Day Four :)

It's 7:55am on day four of my pre op diet, and I had a terrible night's sleep  last night - I couldn't switch my brain off! I didn't want to take the sleep supplement I usually take because I wasn't sure I'd be allowed. It is a GORGEOUS sunny day here, not a cloud in sight for miles, and so far things have definitely improved in terms of my overall wellbeing. The first two days were absolutely ROTTEN, the cravings were so intense and my headaches, nausea, fatigue and hunger were very hard to deal with. I took Tuesday off to deal with it, which I think was a good call. Yesterday there was definitely improvement and I went back to work, I'm still getting the occasional headache but I'm not getting the cravings or the massive hunger that I was. I'm also not as shakey as I was which is a relief. I still get hunger pains, they're more manageable though. 

Last night I made what I've coined as "Pam's Veggie Marinara"- steamed brocolli and cauliflower, a beautiful roasted capsicum and garlic sauce I made, topped with mushrooms pan fried in a little olive oil :) it was AMAZING and tasted sooooooo much like "real food"that I could hardly believe it. My tummy was full, I was completely satisfied, and rather shocked at how good I felt. The only ongoing issue I have at the moment is because the majority of the vegetables I'm allowed to have are on the "no no"list for if you have irritable bowel syndrome I am experiencing a little bit of pain and cramping. It's managable though! 

I still haven't done photos or measurements, I'm so slack! I'm thinking of getting my friend to help me tomorrow as I have the day off. I haven't noticed any weight loss yet, although I'm told that will come, and it might be happening without me even noticing it because I generally dont see it much on myself. I'm told that weight loss will occur over the pre op diet, but that's not really my goal at this point. I'm going to bed at night thinking about my liver - willing it to become soft and pink and pliable so they can move it out of the way. When the surgeon looks at my liver I want him to KNOW I didn't cheat! 

I'm so proud of myself for staying with the program and not cheating. I know there are those who are really struggling with it, or have really struggled with it, and I'm so proud of myself for hanging in there and doing it properly. I take great pride in that, because I was so scared of how this would go. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to follow through, that I'd screw up somehow. So far, however, so good, and I'm really happy that I've followed the plan to the letter because it proves to me that I can do the same thing post op. 

Well, I better get dressed and head off to work - more soon! 

My First Recipe Win!!!!

So today I tried to get creative and got a win! Here's my fabulous pre op soup recipe :)

Please note, amounts are not exact as I was doing a bit of "chuck in this and that" but all items on the recipe list are items I've been advised I can have. Please adjust accordingly for your specific plan and always follow your dietician's advice!

800g can tomatos
1.5 red capsicums, de seeded and laid flat
3 cloves of garlic, sliced in half
3 sticks of celery
1 onion, quartered
1 carrot sliced
a good dash of chilli (I use the herbs in the tubes)
a good dash of italian herbs (same deal)
Some chicken stock as required

Lay out capsicum flat on an alfoil covered tray, put the garlic cloves inside each slab of capsicum and drizzle the allowed amount of olive oil over the top. Roast until aromatic and garlic is nicely browned. Throw everything into a soup maker (I have a kambrook and it's AWESOME)  and set to smooth. Switch it on and let er rip! I was really hoping it tasted as good as it smelt, and it was!!!!!!!! it makes a fair bit of soup, so this will last me a few days, but its great to have some to take to work so that I can heat it up and feel normal!!!! All ingredients are completely free for me, so I can soup it up!!! :) Will keep you posted on any other soup recipes I discover along the way! :)

One Down, 20 to go!

So, yesterday was my first day of optifast, and my alarm went off at 4:30am.....oh yes, I had forgotten that kind of time even EXISTED! I dutifully made my optifast with a good dose of benefibre, jumped in my car and began the drive to Sydney for my dietitian, psychologist and GP appointments at the O Clinic.

All was going well until about 2 hours in the trip when hunger kicked in. I already knew what to expect as I had been substituting one meal a day with opti for a while now and I knew how crappy I felt around this time, so I got stuck into the water and carried on. I got all the way to Sydney, 5 hours later, and pulled up a little ways from the clinic with the plan of rewarding myself with the opti bar I had packed that morning......

Unfortunately, when I reached for said bar, it wasn't there. It wasn't anywhere. I had somehow left the bar at home, meaning I had nothing to get me from Sydney all the way back to Tamworth. Not the best start let's just say!

I took a deep breath and walked the couple of blocks to the clinic. Got weighed in the waiting room and a few minutes later a skinny, blonde lady called me in - she was the GP. My blood test results were all fine and dandy cept my vitamin D levels were extremely low. I explained that I had ankle surgery earlier in the year, and had a long recovery from that so I'd been stuck in doors for a long period of time, and she nodded. As I'm adverse to injections she wrote a script for a supplement to take for the next two weeks and I was done.

Appointment number two was with the dietician, also tall, skinny and blonde. She was also fairly happy with me, said it sounded like I knew what I was doing and had done the research necessary to be successful. She gave me a comprehensive booklet and explained everything up to when I see her next, and she very kindly spotted me an opti bar to get me out of trouble since I'd forgotten mine! I was back in the waiting room, nibbling on my bar before I knew it and soon another tall, skinny blonde lady (sensing a pattern here?) who also looked like she'd never struggled a day in her life with her weight, advised me she was the psychologist.

To say that my appointment with the psychologist was less than helpful would be the best explanation I could offer. At worst I can honestly say it was the most negative, discouraging, down right awful experience I'd had throughout this whole process. She was extremely negative, offered me NOTHING in terms of suggestion on strategies or any helpful hints, made me rehash my whole sorry story and then proceeded to point out just how 'complex' my issues were and that if I didn't figure out how I was going to handle my emotions post op the whole thing would be a waste. She told me that any lasting change for me would be extremely difficult due to my history, and that I needed to 'give it some thought'. I felt like telling her she should give some thought to not being such a !"£$ and then we could both see how we fared!!!! I was absolutely GUTTED by the experience, and left the clinic feeling hopeless, and frankly kicked while I was down.

I had a cry, called my husband, and then pulled myself together and gave myself a little talking to. I'm very used to taking what other people say at face value, and when it comes to any kind of health professional I take what they say very seriously. However, there are a few red flags here that gave me pause:

1. The woman did look like she'd never ever struggled with her weight which decreases her credibility in my opinion
2. When I was telling her about the abuse I had suffered as a child, her reactions to what I was saying were not appropriate (I know this because I studied counselling for years) - she was acting shocked, and frankly looked like she was about to cry at one point, and while I continued with my story it did make me feel like she couldn't handle what I was saying and made me want to just clam up.
3. She only spent an hour with me and couldn't possibly know me properly in that time
4. She completely glossed over the fact that I had several strategies in place to deal with my emotions, and instead stated 'well those obviously dont work because you haven't lost weight'. I disagree, I've never had gastric sleeve surgery before, how would I or her or anyone know whether those strategies will work??? I haven't had the bloody thing yet!
5. She also didnt take into account that I have faith in a God who can do ANYTHING, and who can heal me and deal with my emotions in ways that we cannot even fathom.
6. She had absolutely no empathy for the fact that it was my first day of optifast, or for the fact that perhaps I might be a little fragile to begin with, but instead said 'well this might sound harsh, but what you've already gone through is harsh" - so that gives her the right to stick the knife in further???? So because I've been abused as a kid I get to be discouraged from life saving surgery by a chick who really has no idea what I've been through, or how I've gotten through it, and is acting like the emotional backlash of getting this surgery done will be WORSE than 19 years of physical, mental and emotional abuse I suffered as a child.....Um....hellooooo......still standing here?? I've obviously dealt with it somehow, and yes food was a factor but there's more to me than just an overeater!!!!
7. I told her I worked in child protection to which she very smugly said 'interesting choice of career' - which i found just a little bit insulting considering I'd say a LOT of caseworkers come from abusive homes - it's how we make sense of what happened to us. She also failed to note that as I live in a smaller place finding a therapist who ISNT a conflict of interest and who sticks around longer than five minutes is a bit of a challenge!
8. There was nothing strengths based in her approach, she made no effort to help me identify appropriate strategies but kept grilling me about what I was going to do - Um, isn't that what I'm paying you for???? She made no effort to actually HELP but rather fixated on how messed up I am...and I dont even agree that I'm THAT messed up considering what I've been through!

So, with these red flags in mind, I took the little bit of good out of it and chucked the rest away. I wish I could have done that WITHOUT the tears, but I've long since resigned myself to the fact that I'm a crier - it comes from my mother's side of the family, my grandmother cries at the drop of a hat! LOL

So, pulling myself together, I high tailed it out of Sydney, stopped for a coke zero, and slowly made my way home despite a headache that felt like a mallet was pounding in my brain. I was absolutely shattered by the time I got home, but quickly set to chopping up a tonne of veggies to stir fry for dinner. The dinner was ok, but less than awesome I'm afraid, and my stomach wasn't happy later on. The opti dessert however was quite nice, giving me hope that perhaps the lemon one is nice too :) I think I'll mainly stick with the shakes, at least I dont mind the taste of those, and the veggies will be supplementing but wont be the main part of my diet.

I got about 10 hours sleep last night, which is a lot for me, and its now 9:49am the following morning. My emotions are all over the shop, my head is feeling woozy and I'm so tired physically even though mentally I'm awake! I have a psychologist assessment at 12:30 and then my beautiful mate Robs who has also started opti in preparation for her sleeve surgery in october has invited me around for "lunch"- LOL vanilla is on the menu!

I'm going to ask the clinic whether there is another psychologist available. If not I'm going to politely decline any more appointments. That kind of negativity will not get me where I need to be. I will be telling them exactly what I think though because it's awful that a professional can be so discouraging!

Upon reflection I do realise that some of her points are valid, and I will do everything I possibly can through regular therapy in my home town to deal with things as they arise. Speaking of which I have an appointment so I best be going! I'll post more later :)

The Final Countdown....

Well, its 7:10pm on the evening of the final countdown - I have a roast chook in the oven, hubbie is on his way home from the footy, and I am gearing up for my final "meal" before my surgery. Tomorrow I'll be time minus 21 days.

Tomorrow I'm also driving to Sydney for my dietician and psychologist appointments at the O Clinic. I'm a bit nervous about driving on like, no food, but I figure I'll have a shake in the morning, and take some bars with me, and I'll grab a second shake later on by taking a bottle and getting a water on the way home. Got to be a little creative for this I reckon!

Tomorrow night I will likely try, and I do mean TRY, one of the soups, and if that doesn't work I'll stir fry some veg and perhaps make a pudding :) I'd say by Tuesday morning I will be either feeling ok or feeling really really awful - I guess we'll see.

I also will need to start taking photos and measurements. I keep putting it off I guess because I'm still in a bit of denial that I'm so close now. Today I spent the day hanging out at home, getting housework done and slothing around. I made spaghetti just like my mother used to make me for lunch, and I'm sipping a glass of port. I haven't held back today with food, because I figure I might as well enjoy my last day.

I've been thinking a lot today about letting go - letting go of my past, my weight, and in a way myself. Being the fat kid has been a massive part of my life, my identity, and letting that go is going to be pretty hard. My weight is so wrapped up in the abuse I suffered as a child that I've been triggered pretty hugely even in the preparation for this change. I've been having dreams, not bad dreams, just dreams where in it I'm at varying ages of childhood. I've also been having flash backs, things that my husband has said or done that have triggered me and made me react.

When I look in the mirror, I see the fat kid. By going through this process I'm wiping away my last link, my last sign, my last reminder of all that was done to me, of all that my father robbed from me. That's both an incredibly empowering and sobering thought. It feels like a death, like my weight has been sort of a badge I've been carrying around with me all this time. Like I've been able to point at my rolls and say "look! look at this! look at what he did to me!" and once that's gone I'll have nothing left. But of course that causes me to ask why the HELL would I want a reminder?? Why would I want to hold on to that garbage?

I don't have an answer for that. It seems ludicrous to me that I would even CONSIDER keeping that kind of association with me. I guess the unknown is always scary - always intimidating. No matter how exciting the journey is, it's also an unknown entity and there in lies the rub. Just like a wise man once said...

I have the gorgeous support group (two of which are actually doing optifast for the whole three weeks WITH ME and one whose getting sleeved as well), I have enough optifast to get me started, and I believe I have the willpower and brute stubborness to see this through.

Let the journey begin!

Dearly Beloved - we are gathered here today to mourn the loss...

Last night I had the most AMAZING "last dinner' aka "food funeral" with my gorgeous support people who are there for me through this journey. I still have another week to go before opti kicks in full time but I wanted to have my big blow out and then wind down to the inevitable! I had the most beautiful night, and it was so freeing to talk about the surgery openly without worrying about who was hearing me or having to be "hush hush" about it :) We went to Hogsbreath Cafe and had the whole back room to ourselves so we laughed and joked and carried on. I even tried a "hogerita" (a frozen maguerita) which was amazzzinnggg! 

I didn't take a picture of my main meal, such was my excitement, but I couldn't resist snapping a cheeky pic of dessert!!!! My gorgeous friend Carrie gave me flowers from her garden, and my number one support pal Ros gave me a huge pot plant to "nurture" on my journey and home made "L" plates - since I'm a learner sleever!!!!! 

I am touched and buoyed by the support and love I'm getting from those who are there for me right now, and I really can't wait to live up to their expectations as much as my own. 

Feeling so loved :)