Tomorrow I'm also driving to Sydney for my dietician and psychologist appointments at the O Clinic. I'm a bit nervous about driving on like, no food, but I figure I'll have a shake in the morning, and take some bars with me, and I'll grab a second shake later on by taking a bottle and getting a water on the way home. Got to be a little creative for this I reckon!
Tomorrow night I will likely try, and I do mean TRY, one of the soups, and if that doesn't work I'll stir fry some veg and perhaps make a pudding :) I'd say by Tuesday morning I will be either feeling ok or feeling really really awful - I guess we'll see.
I also will need to start taking photos and measurements. I keep putting it off I guess because I'm still in a bit of denial that I'm so close now. Today I spent the day hanging out at home, getting housework done and slothing around. I made spaghetti just like my mother used to make me for lunch, and I'm sipping a glass of port. I haven't held back today with food, because I figure I might as well enjoy my last day.
I've been thinking a lot today about letting go - letting go of my past, my weight, and in a way myself. Being the fat kid has been a massive part of my life, my identity, and letting that go is going to be pretty hard. My weight is so wrapped up in the abuse I suffered as a child that I've been triggered pretty hugely even in the preparation for this change. I've been having dreams, not bad dreams, just dreams where in it I'm at varying ages of childhood. I've also been having flash backs, things that my husband has said or done that have triggered me and made me react.
When I look in the mirror, I see the fat kid. By going through this process I'm wiping away my last link, my last sign, my last reminder of all that was done to me, of all that my father robbed from me. That's both an incredibly empowering and sobering thought. It feels like a death, like my weight has been sort of a badge I've been carrying around with me all this time. Like I've been able to point at my rolls and say "look! look at this! look at what he did to me!" and once that's gone I'll have nothing left. But of course that causes me to ask why the HELL would I want a reminder?? Why would I want to hold on to that garbage?
I don't have an answer for that. It seems ludicrous to me that I would even CONSIDER keeping that kind of association with me. I guess the unknown is always scary - always intimidating. No matter how exciting the journey is, it's also an unknown entity and there in lies the rub. Just like a wise man once said...
I have the gorgeous support group (two of which are actually doing optifast for the whole three weeks WITH ME and one whose getting sleeved as well), I have enough optifast to get me started, and I believe I have the willpower and brute stubborness to see this through.
Let the journey begin!
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