So, yesterday was my first day of optifast, and my alarm went off at 4:30am.....oh yes, I had forgotten that kind of time even EXISTED! I dutifully made my optifast with a good dose of benefibre, jumped in my car and began the drive to Sydney for my dietitian, psychologist and GP appointments at the O Clinic.
All was going well until about 2 hours in the trip when hunger kicked in. I already knew what to expect as I had been substituting one meal a day with opti for a while now and I knew how crappy I felt around this time, so I got stuck into the water and carried on. I got all the way to Sydney, 5 hours later, and pulled up a little ways from the clinic with the plan of rewarding myself with the opti bar I had packed that morning......
Unfortunately, when I reached for said bar, it wasn't there. It wasn't anywhere. I had somehow left the bar at home, meaning I had nothing to get me from Sydney all the way back to Tamworth. Not the best start let's just say!
I took a deep breath and walked the couple of blocks to the clinic. Got weighed in the waiting room and a few minutes later a skinny, blonde lady called me in - she was the GP. My blood test results were all fine and dandy cept my vitamin D levels were extremely low. I explained that I had ankle surgery earlier in the year, and had a long recovery from that so I'd been stuck in doors for a long period of time, and she nodded. As I'm adverse to injections she wrote a script for a supplement to take for the next two weeks and I was done.
Appointment number two was with the dietician, also tall, skinny and blonde. She was also fairly happy with me, said it sounded like I knew what I was doing and had done the research necessary to be successful. She gave me a comprehensive booklet and explained everything up to when I see her next, and she very kindly spotted me an opti bar to get me out of trouble since I'd forgotten mine! I was back in the waiting room, nibbling on my bar before I knew it and soon another tall, skinny blonde lady (sensing a pattern here?) who also looked like she'd never struggled a day in her life with her weight, advised me she was the psychologist.
To say that my appointment with the psychologist was less than helpful would be the best explanation I could offer. At worst I can honestly say it was the most negative, discouraging, down right awful experience I'd had throughout this whole process. She was extremely negative, offered me NOTHING in terms of suggestion on strategies or any helpful hints, made me rehash my whole sorry story and then proceeded to point out just how 'complex' my issues were and that if I didn't figure out how I was going to handle my emotions post op the whole thing would be a waste. She told me that any lasting change for me would be extremely difficult due to my history, and that I needed to 'give it some thought'. I felt like telling her she should give some thought to not being such a !"£$ and then we could both see how we fared!!!! I was absolutely GUTTED by the experience, and left the clinic feeling hopeless, and frankly kicked while I was down.
I had a cry, called my husband, and then pulled myself together and gave myself a little talking to. I'm very used to taking what other people say at face value, and when it comes to any kind of health professional I take what they say very seriously. However, there are a few red flags here that gave me pause:
1. The woman did look like she'd never ever struggled with her weight which decreases her credibility in my opinion
2. When I was telling her about the abuse I had suffered as a child, her reactions to what I was saying were not appropriate (I know this because I studied counselling for years) - she was acting shocked, and frankly looked like she was about to cry at one point, and while I continued with my story it did make me feel like she couldn't handle what I was saying and made me want to just clam up.
3. She only spent an hour with me and couldn't possibly know me properly in that time
4. She completely glossed over the fact that I had several strategies in place to deal with my emotions, and instead stated 'well those obviously dont work because you haven't lost weight'. I disagree, I've never had gastric sleeve surgery before, how would I or her or anyone know whether those strategies will work??? I haven't had the bloody thing yet!
5. She also didnt take into account that I have faith in a God who can do ANYTHING, and who can heal me and deal with my emotions in ways that we cannot even fathom.
6. She had absolutely no empathy for the fact that it was my first day of optifast, or for the fact that perhaps I might be a little fragile to begin with, but instead said 'well this might sound harsh, but what you've already gone through is harsh" - so that gives her the right to stick the knife in further???? So because I've been abused as a kid I get to be discouraged from life saving surgery by a chick who really has no idea what I've been through, or how I've gotten through it, and is acting like the emotional backlash of getting this surgery done will be WORSE than 19 years of physical, mental and emotional abuse I suffered as a child.....Um....hellooooo......still standing here?? I've obviously dealt with it somehow, and yes food was a factor but there's more to me than just an overeater!!!!
7. I told her I worked in child protection to which she very smugly said 'interesting choice of career' - which i found just a little bit insulting considering I'd say a LOT of caseworkers come from abusive homes - it's how we make sense of what happened to us. She also failed to note that as I live in a smaller place finding a therapist who ISNT a conflict of interest and who sticks around longer than five minutes is a bit of a challenge!
8. There was nothing strengths based in her approach, she made no effort to help me identify appropriate strategies but kept grilling me about what I was going to do - Um, isn't that what I'm paying you for???? She made no effort to actually HELP but rather fixated on how messed up I am...and I dont even agree that I'm THAT messed up considering what I've been through!
So, with these red flags in mind, I took the little bit of good out of it and chucked the rest away. I wish I could have done that WITHOUT the tears, but I've long since resigned myself to the fact that I'm a crier - it comes from my mother's side of the family, my grandmother cries at the drop of a hat! LOL
So, pulling myself together, I high tailed it out of Sydney, stopped for a coke zero, and slowly made my way home despite a headache that felt like a mallet was pounding in my brain. I was absolutely shattered by the time I got home, but quickly set to chopping up a tonne of veggies to stir fry for dinner. The dinner was ok, but less than awesome I'm afraid, and my stomach wasn't happy later on. The opti dessert however was quite nice, giving me hope that perhaps the lemon one is nice too :) I think I'll mainly stick with the shakes, at least I dont mind the taste of those, and the veggies will be supplementing but wont be the main part of my diet.
I got about 10 hours sleep last night, which is a lot for me, and its now 9:49am the following morning. My emotions are all over the shop, my head is feeling woozy and I'm so tired physically even though mentally I'm awake! I have a psychologist assessment at 12:30 and then my beautiful mate Robs who has also started opti in preparation for her sleeve surgery in october has invited me around for "lunch"- LOL vanilla is on the menu!
I'm going to ask the clinic whether there is another psychologist available. If not I'm going to politely decline any more appointments. That kind of negativity will not get me where I need to be. I will be telling them exactly what I think though because it's awful that a professional can be so discouraging!
Upon reflection I do realise that some of her points are valid, and I will do everything I possibly can through regular therapy in my home town to deal with things as they arise. Speaking of which I have an appointment so I best be going! I'll post more later :)
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