It's Not Ok!

So today I did something that's made me really proud of myself. A very dear close friend of mine has over a period of time has become distant and several times has really let me down when I've needed them, and today they did so again. In the past I've basically just stewed over it, fretted over it, let the anger and the disappointment eat me up from the inside out and just shut myself off. But today I did something different.

Today I said in big bold letters - ITS NOT OK!

Ok so thats not exactly what I said, but that was the message. I didn't do it in a nasty way, and I phrased things in a very constructive way ie. I feel....I need to tell you that......I am upset......this is disappointing to me because.....

I WAS upset, it didnt change my level of anger or frustration, and it certainly didn't change the emotional reaction - that was exactly the same. But what did change was that for the first time I set an appropriate boundary. I let the person know that I wasn't a door mat, and that I wasn't beyond standing up for myself and expecting more from people. I don't deserve to be second all the time, and for the first time I got angry enough and confident enough to say so.

The result was good and we were able to resolve the issue. I dont pretend to sit here and say that I'm not still a bit angry about it, but they have apologised and I accepted that apology so I'll be moving on from it.

What does this have to do with my gastric sleeve surgery? Well, a lot actually. I've realised that in order for me to get through this I need to surround myself with supportive people who will really BE there for me - who will support me and walk the journey with me. I need to be with people who I can rely upon, who I can call on and know that they'll be a positive supportive influence in my life. It's not just a good thing for me to put together, it's absolutely ESSENTIAL for my success.

Today was the first step in me re-claiming myself - for most of my life I was beaten down, both physically and emotionally, and I was taught that I was not ok. But the truth is, I AM ok. I am ok right now in this moment today. Whether I lose one gram or not, I am ok and I am worth standing up for. The value I place into myself from here on in will be a defining factor in my success through this journey - I am worth investing money, time, and effort into - I am worth those things from others and from myself. Because lets face it, the number one cheerleader in my corner needs to be myself :) if I dont believe in me, how can I expect anyone else to?

The Food Issue....

So, obviously when it comes to gastric sleeve surgery the biggest lifestyle change that happens is food - our relationship with it, the way we cook it, what types of food we choose, mourning the loss of it and then slowly gaining it back just in a different way.

To that end, I thought it was time to begin a food diary component of my blog. The purpose of this will be accountability but also I'll be able to look back at my "pre surgery" diet and see the differences pre and post op. I think it also helps to write down what we eat, because only then do you become mindful of what's actually going into your mouth - there's something really powerful about writing (or in this case typing) things down.

I'll give a full breakdown of my eating tonight (it's morning here atm) but this morning I got up and for the first time I made a smoothie rather than cook something for breakfast. My smoothie consisted of a banana, about 5 strawberries, a couple of tablespoons of flax meal, a little skim milk and 3 tablespoons of yogurt and ice - I couldn't finish it all! It was too thick, so I'm going to have to experiment with different things to figure out what I really like.

Full run down tonight peeps :)

Going to Ground....

There's an old saying that reads "hurt people hurt people" - and sometimes the person that gets most hurt is yourself. Today was a complete and total rollercoaster of a day with the full gammet of emotions. I didn't go to church and perhaps that was my first mistake....the first sign of me isolating myself because of the stress and anxiety I have going on right now.

I got up and frantically got started on cleaning out my garage - it took a few hours to do, and at the end of it I had my art studio back, I found somewhere neat to put the BBQ, and I had a car FULL of rubbish to take to the tip. It felt amazing going to the dump and throwing out all that stuff - I get such a high from purging stuff much like a drug addict gets high on their drug of choice. But by the time I got home and jumped on my computer that all changed.

I went on the forums where I had been doing a lot of research on my surgery, and I got upset over a post. So silly really considering I only have met one person from that forum in real life, so who cares really right? But here I was getting very upset and what I SHOULD have done is take a break, go do something silly, play a game or read or relax somehow.

Instead, my tied up, anxious, panicked fearful self decided I wanted to sew something....and somewhere between having a full blown panic attack and then screaming like a God-awful banshee at my sewing machine I realised I had made a mistake.

Ok, so perhaps I'm a little more messed up than I initially thought.

I have learned one thing however that I thought was interesting. Brad at one point while trying to calm me down pointed out that the key to my problem was that I needed to take all that fear, all that anxiety and channel it instead into determination that no matter what happens, no matter how things go over the next few months, I would follow every single instruction and I would make this work - that's all I have to do. Thinking like that does making me feel a little better because it simplifies things for me. It's like the Nike ad - JUST DO IT.

It's really the head "stuff" that scares me. I fear my own emotions. I am afraid of my own mental processes - I guess most of all I fear the abyss because I've been there before. The only thing I am hanging on to at this stage is that losing weight CAN improve depression and anxiety, especially since I will be exercising every day and getting all those endorphins flowing. I know what I have to do, and I know where to turn for help. Food cannot be my "be all and end all" anymore - I have to relearn how to live my life, and I wont really KNOW what that's going to look like until I actually do it. And that's perhaps the hardest thing to try and cope with right now.

Prayer of a Future Sleever..........

Dear Lord,

When I was born, you knew exactly what I would look like. You knew every hair on my head. You had a purpose for me, and you loved me before I was even conceived. You chose the exact day, date, time and place of my birth. You chose my parents, my family, my siblings. You knew who I would be. I have value not because of what I am, but because you are my creator. 

But something went wrong.....

Somewhere a long the line, I became broken. I was eaten away by the acid of a broken, evil world. It started with a father who feared having a fat child and created exactly what he feared. My grandmother who over compensated for my abuse by giving me food. The kids at school who bullied the fat kid instead of befriending her and giving her a place to be herself. The stepmother who watched a teenager be ridiculed, abused, hit, pushed, shoved, threatened, belittled and verbally assaulted and did nothing. The brother who was taught to join in the abuse and who didn't know any better. The school friends who knew something was wrong but didn't know what to do about it. The teachers who suspected but never reported. The string of flings who told me what I wanted to hear even just for a short time. 

And finally, it starts and ends with me. At the end of my days when I stand before your throne, none of the rest will matter. The only thing that will matter is what I did with the time you gave me. And the truth is, til now, I've wasted that time on things that will fade. I've stuffed my face with bad food because it makes me feel good in the moment. It numbs the pain. It shuts off the voices in my head that tell me how ugly, useless and awful I am. It makes me happy and stops me from feeling anger and hurt. I haven't been living my best life, I know that. You didn't create me to be this way, and I know that the tears I am crying now you cry with me. 

So, I'm heeding the words that may have in the flesh come from my surgeon but really have come from you. I got it. I get that if something doesn't change, my life will be over all too soon. I won't have children to love and to raise as you would have me do. I won't be able to share my voice with larger audiences and revel in the gift you gave me. I won't see the wonder and magic of nature that you created for me because I won't be physically able to walk there. I won't travel, serve, and give the way you want me to because of the limitations my obesity places upon me. I get it. Really I do. 

But God, I'm really really scared. My whole life losing weight has been a mountain too hard to climb and now I face an even bigger mountain with this surgery. And it's not even the surgery that scares me, not really - it's what comes afterwards. I know there's a very real possibility of me relapsing and I just cannot afford to do that. This must work. No ifs buts or maybes. But I cannot do it alone. I know that without your strength and your love, I will fail. I've been here time and time again, but this time has to be different. This time it really is life or death. Lord, help me choose life. Walk with me as I take this step towards health and well being. Guide the surgeons and the nurses as they perform this operation. Knit my wounds back together precisely the way they should without any complications. But perhaps even more importantly, Lord please help me change my mindset. Help me accept my new life with grace and strength. Help me to be a witness to my friends and family who struggle with their weight, that there is hope and it can be done. Help me to bear this cross because in comparison to yours, it is so light.

And Lord, let there be life after this. A long, long life.

Amen. 

Not Just a River in Egypt....

According to the Kubler Ross model, there are five stages of grief after a significant loss. Those stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It's not a linear progression though, a person can skip from one stage to another and go back and forth before finally reaching acceptance at the other end.

Well this morning something really strange happened. It was like the moment I opened my eyes I shifted gear from denial straight into anger.

                                                 ........no........

                                                                   rage........

                                                                                  pure, untainted, rage. 

Tge worst part about anger is there's no one to be angry at - except yourself. In one day I went from trying to be positive and upbeat to LOATHING everything about myself and everything and everyone. I raged at my husband. I raged at my work. I raged at the friends who seem to have ditched me lately for no reason. I raged at my life. I raged at my weight. I raged at food, I raged at my weaknesses. I raged at my father for his obsession with not having a fat kid and in turn creating what he feared. I raged at the years of stealing food, obsessing over food, comforting with food, sneaking food, dreaming about food, socializing with food, buying food, swapping food, promising I wont eat food and all the failed attempts at losing weight and all the money lost.

At the end of my rage there was nothing. Just, nothing. Nothing except a profound sadness that it has all come to this. Why me? Why this? Why is it that I have to jump through all these hoops just to live and have children when I deal with client after client every single day who gets to do that and they completely abuse their bodies and their children and take their circumstances for granted....it just doesn't seem fair.

II know, I have ventured far into 'pity party' territory - as Brad said, I'm wallowing and I know that's true. I knew this journey would be hard, but I had no idea that this would hit me today - and I haven't even had to start dealing with the restriction in food yet!! It was an emotional reaction I didn't expect. I know I'll wake up tomorrow and be totally fine - it's just after so long of living in de-nile I've finally left Egypt, and it's going to take me a little while to adjust.....

*sigh*

Reality check....

Imagine you are sitting in a doctor's office. The doctor tells you that you have cancer. But not just any kind of cancer. Imagine you have a type of cancer that could activate any time between this day and your 50th birthday, but that's GUARANTEED to go off sometime between now and then.

But there's one thing you can do. You can have a surgery, amputate an arm, and cut out the cancer cells and stop the cancer from activating. You can essentially save your life. As with any surgery there's risks of things going wrong. You'll miss the arm, you'll mourn life as you know it - but you'll be alive. You'll grow old. You'll have kids, and grandkids. You won't be dead.

Would you think twice? It's a no brainer right? You'd gladly give up the arm for life. Like Angelina Jolie you'd give up a breast or two to live longer wouldn't you. You'd risk the possible complications and go for it because let's face it, we all want to live and be healthy.

Well, today was a watershed moment, and I've had that exact scenario posed to me. Today I had a bariatric surgeon tell me that at my current weight I will not live to 50. I've told myself such things for years, but the effect of having a health professional say it so bluntly is profound. I fell apart. All of a sudden I realised that this journey is SOOOOOOOO much bigger than wearing cute clothes, or walking up stairs without puffing, or vanity, or even having children - this really is life and death for me.

The surgeon also gave me the hard line on my commitments - a change in psychology, a change in eating patterns, a change in lifestyle and later, a change in exercise routine. Minimum 5 hours a week, low carb, high protein portion control diet, complete compliance with all required medications/vitamins/etc and most importantly no cheating. It was a hard conversation - but amid the shock and being a little blindsided by the whole "dead before 50" line, I was actually ready to hear it. And upon further reflection it's driven home for me how incredibly serious this is. I don't want to forget that going forward because really, juxtaposed against the alternative, it's a no brainer.

This has to happen. And it has to work.

About to go in for my first appointment with my beautiful support person Ros!

What does a food addict do after a gastric sleeve appointment?
Feast on KFC of course!!!!

Um, YUM!