No more compromise and no more lies....

Tomorrow is Christmas Eve, and it's had me thinking about changes. I've been through a lot of change this year, just juggling the 9 different sets of appointments I have to keep track of at any given time is hard enough! It's funny how so many things have stayed the same, but at the same time so many things have changed!

So here I sit at the cusp of another new year. I dont like the idea of resolutions, they're always doomed to failure so I refused to go there. But I do have aspirations and goals for 2015. There will be a lot going on next year - here's just a few things on our books for the new year:

- Mid January: get concretor quote and book the building of our new outdoor area
- 17th January: off to Sydney for the twin's first birthday
- Feb-March: Going to Wicked for my birthday in Brisbane :)
- April: 11 year wedding anniversary, hopefully marked with a bbq in our new outdoor area (please God!)
- Around May: short cruise with Robyn (practice cruise for the big one at the end of the year!)
- Fingers crossed singing lessons (if I get the scholarship!) and Choral society throughout the year
- End of September: 12 months post surgery and hopefully will be at goal weight range
- End of 2015: Cruise to NZ with Robyn :)
- December 2015: Big family Christmas at the Tough's :) the first of many!

I have so many hopes and aspirations for this coming year, I am actually a lot more hopeful for the new year than I have been in a really long time. Here's some of my hopes for 2015:

- I am believing that this year will give me the opportunity to reconnect with myself and with God. I've been floating on the fringes of Church life this year, not really able to commit to anything and not really mentally or emotionally able to immerse myself or be vulnerable enough to commit to a church family. This year I want to change that.
- This year I also want to get stuck into regular therapy to address the mental and emotional issues I have around food. This will form the bulk of the changes I need to adopt for the rest of my life that will ensure permanent weight loss.
- I want to ensure that I remain connected to music in some way, and most likely that will be through Choral society and hopefully the scholarship I have applied for that will allow me to continue vocal lessons at the conservatorium. This is going to be something of great importance to me, not just because I'll be able to continue honing my skills but also it will give me the opportunity to meet new people and make new friends.
- I wont be engaging in formal university study this year, but instead I'll be working through two books - "The Happiness Trap" and "If Not Dieting Then What" - both books have worksheets to work through that will help me identify faulty thinking and habits that are not in line with my goals for weightloss and health.
- I have armed myself with diaries, apps and tools to try and keep track of all my appointments and commitments this year and I am making a commitment to myself that my "yes will be yes" and my "no will be no" when it comes to things like appointments, my gym sessions, and all the rules and regulations that govern my day. These rules include rules around fluid consumption after eating a meal, no take away foods, no high calorie foods (or limited amount) limiting processed foods, benefibre and movicol daily, taking my meds daily and ensuring I pack a lunch every day rather than relying on store bought foods for lunches.
- I will be getting a gym program together that will be followed regularly to ensure that I build strength muscle and tone
- I will have no hesitation in getting rid of any and all relationships that are not healthy for me to have and i am determined that this year I will not be defined by anyone else. This is a bit of a challenge for me as it's a real change in thinking, but I've already started taking steps to ensure that the people who are around right now are people who are supportive of my goals and dreams and who are healthy and moral influences in my life.
- I am keen to engage the "quiet life" after a year of surgeries and doctors appointments - now is the time to settle a little and enjoy the mundane.

Above all else I want a quiet, fulfilling and satisfying 2015 where I learn a new way to live with new habits and with a new focus. It's time to put away my old self and reimmerse myself into things that I love and enjoy and that I value. I'm done wasting time on people who aren't worth it, and I'm done wasting resources on things that wont make my life better. I want this year to be a time of healing, a time of rejuvenation, and a time to rediscover the things that are most important to me.

I wish you all a very happy and healthy New Years, and a fabulous 2015. May you find growth and purpose in a new beginning.

The Gambler...

As a child I was one of those kids that was maddeningly hell bent on dreaming away life....my feet could be practically anywhere at any given moment and guaranteed my head would be somewhere completely different. When I wasn't whiling away the hours dreaming of the future I could be spent in front of our stereo pouring over my parents records.

On one such record, Kenny Rogers would sing "you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run"

I haven't been very good at knowing when to fold, and nowhere is this more true than in my friendships. Over the years the way I've related to others has always been a bit like holding a bar of soap in the shower....I'd old on for dear life and they'd slip through my fingers! Until Brad, my romantic relationships were much the same I'm afraid....but eventually I learned that I didn't have to hold on so tight anymore, and I calmed down. 

Well, I feel like I've begun doing the same with my friendships as well. On this funny journey I'm on the one thing I didn't expect to happen has happened, and with the one person I least expected it to happen with. 

Ok, I'm talking in riddles...

When I started this, one of my first considerations was my very closest and dearest friend. For her own anonymity lets call her Lucy. Lucy and I were as close as close could be, we have a long history. She had only recently considered her own weight loss surgery options and had mentioned this several times to me during conversations. When I made the decision to have gastric sleeve surgery I was tortured because I didn't want her to think that I had made that decision based upon her consideration of such a surgery - I didn't want her to believe I had done this to somehow steal her thunder, or had done it in any way lightly or without due consideration. I wanted her to know that I had made the decision completely on my own, because I had done so. So I waited for a while before telling her. It was a big deal, a really big deal, and I stressed to her at the time how seriously I was taking it all. I told her then that I would be relying upon her support during the journey and would need my best friend very very much. 

Weeks went by, then months. I didn't hear from her, and apart from the occasional conversation or comment on facebook there was basically silence. I went through ankle surgery, and wanted to make a trip up to Qld to visit all my close friends before I had the gastric sleeve surgery. We made plans to meet, and despite her trying to do the usual trick of pulling out at the last minute, and offering me the alternative of driving an extra 2.5 hours to meet her for breakfast (I was rather insulted and told her in no uncertain terms I wouldn't be doing that just because she wanted to break our plans so she then finally caved and honoured her commitment) we met in Brisbane for coffee and shopping. 

I sat her down and told her how hurt I'd been about her silence and her trying to back out of our plans at the last minute, and I reminded her again of my impending surgery and how much I was going through. I told her that I needed to be a little selfish on my own part for a little while, and that I needed above all else to know that she was going to be there for me. I told her I needed her to really BE there, to be in touch and to be involved. I said "you're either on the support Pam train, or you're not". At the time I got "yeah yeah I totally am" but then by the end of our visit she hugged me and said "now if you don't hear from me for a while don't worry, it doesn't mean I'm a bad friend..." Translation - forget everything you said earlier, here's the truth: you won't hear from me for possibly months and months and I am basically asking for a free pass to ditch you right when you need me the most"

I was heart broken. But I kept believing that she'd at LEAST get in touch before the surgery or at the VERY least on the day of the surgery to check I was still alive. I waited, and waited and waited. I didn't seek her out because I was convinced that eventually I'd hear from her. 

Well you can guess what happened next. The surgery date came and went. I went from the beginning of September ( a text message advising me that she'd put me down as a rental reference and during which I reminded her again of my date and location of the surgery and she said she'd mark it on her calendar) all the way through to 25th of December without so much as a word. On Christmas day I got a "merry christmas" on one of my photos - that was the first word I had received. 

I reflected upon this for a while. Granted I didn't reach out to her at all. I didn't make any contact with her for a couple of reasons. The first was that I was absolutely flat out getting ready for the surgery and working through a lot of CRAP emotionally and mentally that was taking up my energy and time. And the second was because I wanted to give her the opportunity to make an effort knowing how important this was for me. Maybe I should have reached out, but I was hurt and I felt like I had always done the reaching out - it was so important to me that just once I stand back and let things happen rather than squeezing that soap so tight. 

When it didn't happen, I was partially not surprised and partially gutted. I had kept defending her in my head, but I couldn't escape the fact that she plain forgot one of the most important things that had ever happened to me in my life, and after I had reminded her over and over. It also made me realise that I had invested WAY more into our friendship than she had, and that it was time to cut my losses. 

So, two days ago, I folded. For the first time in my life, I let go of needing friendships to define who I am, and I blocked her from my facebook. Not just deleted. Blocked. Totally. The real deal. So far she either hasn't noticed or doesn't care but that's not the point. I didn't do it to be nasty or vindictive. I did it to prove to myself that I don't need ANYONE to validate me. I did it because it was a toxic relationship that continuously hurt me and dissappointed me because she couldn't give me what I needed. It was time to let go and move on because I am ok on my own. 

I wish her well, I truly do. I hope she finds all she wants out of life and that God blesses her abundantly. Perhaps one day we'll reconnect again, and perhaps we wont. Whatever happens will be totally ok. All I know is that 2015 will be the year I require more of those I let into my life because that's what I deserve. And I will no longer settle for anything less than quality friendships that are reciprocal, mutual and equal because I don't need other people to make me worth it. I'm already worth it.

In a way I guess I'm taking a gamble on myself. The difference is, an investment in myself is like holding all the cards at once. I just can't lose.