Taking Stock....

So yesterday I had an appointment with my dietician, the first one in about six weeks. I always dread jumping on the scales with Chris because the numbers are always different from the lower ones at home!!! Anyways, we had a long chat and what shocked me was how pleased he was. As we talked, I realised just how far I had come, so I wanted to share a few of those changes!

1. Fear

Starting this journey, I was in a state of panic most days thinking that I will have had this surgery and it wont have made a difference, and I wont lose weight. I was so scared about wasting this opportunity that I white knuckled through every single day. As the weight began to drop, I started to let go of those fears. As Chris said, "if you don't lose weight eating less than 1000 calories a day, then girlfriend get ready for fame and fortune cos we'll win a nobel peace prize for solving world hunger!!! Either way we win!!" Unfortunately it looks like Chris misses out on that one!!! ha ha!

2. Eating patterns

Now dont get me wrong, I'm still on a bit of a trial and error basis!! My last "sliming episode" was a whole two days ago so I'm definitely still in the learning phase, but slowly and surely I'm picking up how much I can eat, what I can eat, and how slowly I need to eat. For example, I've stopped "grazing" - one thing that Chris told me was that if I'm going to eat something I have to put it on a plate and make an event of it. No picking! That's been a big change for me, but it's something I'm learning to do :)

Another thing is eating regularly - Chris said in order for me to be doing what I need to be doing I need to eat every couple of hours. The pattern has to be eat til I'm satisfied, let it go down, then eat again - I should never be absolutely famished nor should I ever be stuffed full. I'm really still in the learning phase of this one, but I'm getting better!

I'm still separating my fluids and foods also, which helps me to ensure that I am getting enough food and not stretching my stomach.

3. Tracking

"Myfitnesspal" changed my life! If you haven't seen this ap, you need to get it! It's simple and easy to use and I can track everything I eat easily. Chris nearly jumped for joy when I told him I'd been using it to plan my meals ahead of time - I enter in the night before what I'm going to eat the following day, and in doing so I've already got a plan in place :) It's harder to deviate from the plan when you have one! It also helps me to review the balance of WHAT I'm eating also, trying to get enough protein in my day is a constant struggle, I always seem to find more space in my diet for carbs and fats than I do for protein, but I make sure I NEVER EVER eat without protein - carbs without protein is just not on!

4. Exercise and Activity

Ok this is another work in progress, but the biggest amount of work I'm doing right now is on breaking down excuses and old mindsets that keep me from going to the gym or doing physical activity. One thing I'm working on right now is learning to not be afraid of physical activity - for example last week I had to get my car serviced, the honda dealer is a fair way from my workplace and in the past I've always gotten them to give me a lift and to drop my car off. Last week I made the decision to walk from the car dealers to work, and then walk BACK to the car dealers to pick up the car afterwards. Another example is weekly I take a walk up the main street from one end to the other to go to the library - it takes me between 15-20 minutes one way, so about 40 minutes round trip plus time spent at the library. It's a lovely lunch time activity that I enjoy, and I like the fact that I can walk and not be afraid of getting tired out. I certainly have more endurance than I once did, and its really changing the way I view physical activity. I'm heading to Qld next week to visit friends, and I am looking forward to going to the gym with Bennie and exercising together :) Who would have thought that!!!!

In terms of gym visits, getting there is still a daily struggle, but I'm slowly winning the war. I take it day by day, some days I lose some days I win. The point is I'm still going several times a week, and I'm working my way up to it being a daily thing that I'm not afraid of. Eventually I'll feel more confident to go to classes etc but that will take time. (I have a thing about classes, when they get hard I have a panic attack so I do freak out about classes - it's something I have to work up to!)

5. Who I Am

I'm starting to get a better sense of who I am and I know that sounds wierd - at the end of the day it's just weight I'm losing, but in doing so I am starting to form an identity without it. The weight was a negative thing for sure, but it did stand me apart from others (for all the wrong reasons!) so as I lose the weight, I'm finding I have to redefine who I am and what kind of person I want to be. Soon I'm going to be at a weight nad appearance that will blend into the crowd, which is amazing (I've always said I just wanted to feel normal!!!) but that also means that in that void I have to fill it with something else - something that is me. I've always been loud and outgoing on the outside, but that's not really who I am - that was something I used to hide the pain. Now I have to decide who I am. Am I still loud? Am I still outgoing? Am I shy? Am I private, or an open book. Do I WANT to be an open book anymore? I've already changed a lot on the inside, I've had to put in place some important boundaries that have really change the way I interact with the world, and I've lost friends as a result. I believe that as I move forward I'll figure out who I am, and hopefully that person will be someone other people will want to be around!

It's all such a massive journey, but it's so worth it. Today is nearly 6 months to the day since my surgery date, and I still probably have another 18 months until I go into maintenance. Losing the weight is really just a great side affect, and letting go of food is just the beginning.....

The Cracked Pot....

I have been accused often of being a crack pot, but that's not what I'm referring to here! I read this tonight and could really relate...I'm so grateful that God uses me with all my flaws and that even though I get anxious, and frustrated, and selfish and cranky....He still loves me :) 

The cracked pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his Master’s house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream, “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.”

“Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?”

“I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walked back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots. Don’t be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you, too, can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.