Well, technically we ARE here. We've made it to Sydney and after Brad having to make a MILLION trips back to the car to get the TONNES of luggage we some how managed to bring with us, we're finally settled into our unit. A little hiccup however, neither hubbie or myself realised that the unit was shared - so there's two other rooms and two other couples also living in the same place. Thankfully there's two sitting rooms, so hubbie and I can watch telly privately and our room isn't terrible so it's not all bad. Plus its fully self contained, so Brad can cook his meals and be ok and I'll know he's at least got a nice place to stay while I'm in hospital.
This morning, in lieu of a will, I wrote out some "last instructions" in case the worst happens and had myself a little cry - then I decided I was not going to cry anymore. I spent practically all weekend in tears, labouring over all the unknowns.....will there be complications? will I suffer? will the pain be really bad? what will "post sleeve" feel like? will i be hungry? have I dealt with my issues enough to successfully make the sleeve work for me? Will this be 6 grand down the tube, or am I going to make it? I honestly dont know. I have no idea what life after tomorrow will look like, and its likely the scariest thing I'll ever do. I feel like I'm literally jumping off the cliff, not knowing what is at the bottom - a terrifying thought even if you DONT take into account the pain i will go through for the privalege.
I have to believe that this whole journey so far has been guided by God's hands, and that He knows exactly what I need. Despite massive mood swings, swearing at the cat this morning (he flicked kitty litter EVERYWHERE and then proceeded to throw up on the loungeroom carpet - once in the entrance and then TWICE BEHIND the couch.....just as we were trying to get away.....UGH! He REALLY didn't want us to go!). Frankly I've been a moody bitch lately, but I know eventually that will pass - as of tomorrow life will be very very different. For the better I pray!
Well, there's nothing really more to do now. I'm treating myself to customary vegetables AND salmon, and maybe a chicken tender or two from the box brad is cooking up right now.....nothing too heavy but enough to give me one last taste of real food before tomorrow. I can't eat after 6am in the morning so it will be optifast at 5:30 then sipping water til 8:30 and nothing after that.
So, here goes. If I get the chance to write tomorrow morning I will otherwise I'll blog on the other side!!! Adios!
The Journey....
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Sunday, September 21, 2014
One Week to Go!
So, this time next week I will be in Sydney preparing for life changing surgery....am I nervous? Totally! Am I excited? Not really....just nervous! People ask me that a lot - are you excited? I get where they're coming from, but the actual sleeve doesn't really excite me. The RESULTS however do! This morning I smashed my pre op weight loss goal and broke through 140kgs - haven't been this light in quite some time! Here are just SOME of the things I look forward to:
1. I look forward to being a very cheap date! (and a very cheap drunk!)
2. I look forward to living my life free from obsessing about food (eventually!)
3. I look forward to looking in the mirror and being happy about what I see
4. I look forward to costume fittings without being worried about finding something that will fit
5. I look forward to shopping at the FRONT of clothing stores rather than at the "plus size" section
6. I look forward to going to the cinema and fitting comfortably in the seats
7. I look forward to flying without asking for a seat extension and not worrying about how much I'll encroach on someone sitting next to me
8. I look forward to taking my doggie for walks very very often and not dreading it
9. I look forward to bushwalking with my husband
10. I look forward to many other things with my husband!!!! ;)
11. I look forward to strutting my stuff on stage in many TMS shows (in lots of fab parts that aren't "fat" parts)
12. I look forward to having children and running around after children!
13. I look forward to being 51 yrs old, and 52 yrs old and 53 yrs old, and 54 yrs old......
14. I look forward to b!@#s at work who wouldn't give me the time of day all of a sudden saying how great I look - and me promptly brushing them off for the ppl who were always there for me
15. I look forward to making new friends at bootcamps and gym classes and playing sports (even though I'm totally unco!)
16. I look forward to the day when all the family members who ditched me realised that they completely missed out
17. I look forward to going to my 20 year high school reunion (if we have one) looking AMAAZINNGG
18. I look forward to eating real food again (in smaller doses)
19. I look forward to the day I reach my goal weight
20. I look forward to the day when I stand in front of that awful psychologist and give her the finger for telling me that I'm too emotionally messed up to have this surgery!
The biggest thing I look forward to is an increase in confidence. I know that can only come from the inside, and I think I've already begun that side of my transformation. I've come to realise that I just don't have time to chase after friends of convenience anymore - you know the ones - the ones who are all mates with you when it suits them, but only when it suits them. I've come to realise over the several months in the lead up to this surgery that there are even people who I've considered the very closest of friends that unfortunately fall into that category. I've also been pleasantly surprised by others who have truly stepped up and been there through the tears, the fears, and the trials of this journey.
To those who have left me hanging while I've gone through this, who haven't made a concerted effort to support me with even something as simple as a phone call or an email or anything and yet will get in touch when they want something (you know who you are).....know this. Change is coming. There is coming a day when I won't even take your phone calls or return ur texts anymore because I am worth more than that. I deserve friends who are present and who don't just take but who give as well. I'm no longer a friend of convenience - so you have two choices. You can either 1. step up and make an effort between now and next Monday and then beyond that also or 2. find someone else to use. I'm done being second best.
And to those who have supported me - Robyn, Cheryl, Carrie, Liesl, Bennie, Jeanette, Ros, Mark, Jocelyn, Kathleen, my fabulous family and my amazing husband, I love each and every one of you to my absolute core. You have chosen to make this your journey as well as mine, and the fact that you are walking with me means the world to me. I hope I never ever take your friendship and love for granted.
So, final week. Here's my goals for this week:
1. STICK WITH IT - I've come too close to cheat now!
2. 2ltrs of water a day - no exceptions!
3. hydrotherapy as much as possible
4. final opti shop!
5. get packing!!
6. final photos and measurements and maybe a video blog before I head off
Fingers crossed!
1. I look forward to being a very cheap date! (and a very cheap drunk!)
2. I look forward to living my life free from obsessing about food (eventually!)
3. I look forward to looking in the mirror and being happy about what I see
4. I look forward to costume fittings without being worried about finding something that will fit
5. I look forward to shopping at the FRONT of clothing stores rather than at the "plus size" section
6. I look forward to going to the cinema and fitting comfortably in the seats
7. I look forward to flying without asking for a seat extension and not worrying about how much I'll encroach on someone sitting next to me
8. I look forward to taking my doggie for walks very very often and not dreading it
9. I look forward to bushwalking with my husband
10. I look forward to many other things with my husband!!!! ;)
11. I look forward to strutting my stuff on stage in many TMS shows (in lots of fab parts that aren't "fat" parts)
12. I look forward to having children and running around after children!
13. I look forward to being 51 yrs old, and 52 yrs old and 53 yrs old, and 54 yrs old......
14. I look forward to b!@#s at work who wouldn't give me the time of day all of a sudden saying how great I look - and me promptly brushing them off for the ppl who were always there for me
15. I look forward to making new friends at bootcamps and gym classes and playing sports (even though I'm totally unco!)
16. I look forward to the day when all the family members who ditched me realised that they completely missed out
17. I look forward to going to my 20 year high school reunion (if we have one) looking AMAAZINNGG
18. I look forward to eating real food again (in smaller doses)
19. I look forward to the day I reach my goal weight
20. I look forward to the day when I stand in front of that awful psychologist and give her the finger for telling me that I'm too emotionally messed up to have this surgery!
The biggest thing I look forward to is an increase in confidence. I know that can only come from the inside, and I think I've already begun that side of my transformation. I've come to realise that I just don't have time to chase after friends of convenience anymore - you know the ones - the ones who are all mates with you when it suits them, but only when it suits them. I've come to realise over the several months in the lead up to this surgery that there are even people who I've considered the very closest of friends that unfortunately fall into that category. I've also been pleasantly surprised by others who have truly stepped up and been there through the tears, the fears, and the trials of this journey.
To those who have left me hanging while I've gone through this, who haven't made a concerted effort to support me with even something as simple as a phone call or an email or anything and yet will get in touch when they want something (you know who you are).....know this. Change is coming. There is coming a day when I won't even take your phone calls or return ur texts anymore because I am worth more than that. I deserve friends who are present and who don't just take but who give as well. I'm no longer a friend of convenience - so you have two choices. You can either 1. step up and make an effort between now and next Monday and then beyond that also or 2. find someone else to use. I'm done being second best.
And to those who have supported me - Robyn, Cheryl, Carrie, Liesl, Bennie, Jeanette, Ros, Mark, Jocelyn, Kathleen, my fabulous family and my amazing husband, I love each and every one of you to my absolute core. You have chosen to make this your journey as well as mine, and the fact that you are walking with me means the world to me. I hope I never ever take your friendship and love for granted.
So, final week. Here's my goals for this week:
1. STICK WITH IT - I've come too close to cheat now!
2. 2ltrs of water a day - no exceptions!
3. hydrotherapy as much as possible
4. final opti shop!
5. get packing!!
6. final photos and measurements and maybe a video blog before I head off
Fingers crossed!
Friday, September 19, 2014
Time Minus Nine
This week has been a really really hard week. A LOT harder emotionally than I anticipated. I've been really really emotional, and my tolerance level for anything has gone right down into my boots. I've been swinging wildly from feeling ok to feeling really really desperate and I can only put it down to my surgery getting closer and closer.
Every day I feel like I climb Everest, only to know there's a new Everest to climb the next day - and the next day - and the next. After a while, its exhausting! Every single day I am inundated with thoughts and cravings for things I just can't have, and it scares me because this is what my life is going to be after the surgery too - always craving what I can't have. I keep wondering whether I am just too messed up to have this surgery - but then I think to myself that this is just part of the process that I have to go through, to change these thought patterns and of course that's not going to happen overnight after a life of relying upon food to make me happy.
I have to believe that I can do this. I have to believe that there's a better life out there for me. And most of all, I have to believe that I can change and rise above the bull!@#$ that my father put on my shoulders. This is the time for me to show that I'm more than my history.
And so I keep telling myself that - every time a craving hits, every time my mind wanders to what real food would taste like, every time I mourn the loss of being able to eat what I like, when I like, that this is my one shot. It's not just 6 grand out of my pocket, its not just appointments and blood tests and pain and self control - its the fight of my life. If I dont do this, my life will be a short one, a sad one, and one half lived. I cannot possibly live with myself if there was something I could do to prevent reaching my Lord Jesus and having to justify living a half life and not fulfilling the purpose He has for me.
And so today I dutifully get up, take my optifast, eat my vegetables and try desperately not to think of the food I was once permitted to have. I have a limited amount of patience and tolerance right now, but I can live with that :) Because I know I WILL live - a long long time :)
Every day I feel like I climb Everest, only to know there's a new Everest to climb the next day - and the next day - and the next. After a while, its exhausting! Every single day I am inundated with thoughts and cravings for things I just can't have, and it scares me because this is what my life is going to be after the surgery too - always craving what I can't have. I keep wondering whether I am just too messed up to have this surgery - but then I think to myself that this is just part of the process that I have to go through, to change these thought patterns and of course that's not going to happen overnight after a life of relying upon food to make me happy.
I have to believe that I can do this. I have to believe that there's a better life out there for me. And most of all, I have to believe that I can change and rise above the bull!@#$ that my father put on my shoulders. This is the time for me to show that I'm more than my history.
And so I keep telling myself that - every time a craving hits, every time my mind wanders to what real food would taste like, every time I mourn the loss of being able to eat what I like, when I like, that this is my one shot. It's not just 6 grand out of my pocket, its not just appointments and blood tests and pain and self control - its the fight of my life. If I dont do this, my life will be a short one, a sad one, and one half lived. I cannot possibly live with myself if there was something I could do to prevent reaching my Lord Jesus and having to justify living a half life and not fulfilling the purpose He has for me.
And so today I dutifully get up, take my optifast, eat my vegetables and try desperately not to think of the food I was once permitted to have. I have a limited amount of patience and tolerance right now, but I can live with that :) Because I know I WILL live - a long long time :)
Monday, September 15, 2014
2 Weeks to Go!
Its 9:30pm on Monday 15 September 2014 - this time in two weeks I'll be tucked up in a hospital bed at the Mater Hospital in Sydney, recovering from gastric sleeve surgery.....
A scary thought!
One thing that's really been highlighted to me through the message boards lately is how important it will be for me or for anyone having this surgery to follow the eating plan post surgery, especially for the first 9-12 months as this is the time when you will lose the most weight. You have to grab this opportunity right now, you can't blow the opportunity because at that point the weight loss will slow and it will become harder and harder to lose any more. For that period of time you have to put everything aside, all your cravings, all your desires, all your hang ups with food - they have to go out the window so you can put everything you have into creating a whole new life.
So, I bought off ebay a tupperware gym kit - I've always wanted one, so now I've splurged and finally got one - will definitely come in handy after surgery but also for now because I'm doing hydrotherapy. The kit comes with a gym bag, a microfibre towel, water bottle, lunch box, two snack cups and two bottles for like, shower gel and shampoo etc. I can't wait to get stuck into aqua aerobics and aqua zumba - so fun! I also went and bought myself a testing kit to test for the presence of ketones in my system - and the result.....well and truly positive! Hoorah! I also weighed myself yesterday and then due to some digestive "issues" (thanks veggies that I shouldn't be eating!!!) so I weighed in again tonight and I am currently sitting on 141.95. I also called the Oclinic for the following info:
Starting Weight at Initial Consult: 148.6kgs
Second Consult: 146kgs
Weight yesterday: 143.5kgs
Weight today: 141.95
So the numbers are definitely coming down - a relief to say the least. My initial goal was to get under 140 before my op, looks like I'm going to smash that goal - perhaps I'll set a new one for under 135 before my surgery. Wouldn't that be something! I've still got two weeks to go so it's possible!
So here's some pics from the last few days :)
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A scary thought!
One thing that's really been highlighted to me through the message boards lately is how important it will be for me or for anyone having this surgery to follow the eating plan post surgery, especially for the first 9-12 months as this is the time when you will lose the most weight. You have to grab this opportunity right now, you can't blow the opportunity because at that point the weight loss will slow and it will become harder and harder to lose any more. For that period of time you have to put everything aside, all your cravings, all your desires, all your hang ups with food - they have to go out the window so you can put everything you have into creating a whole new life.
So, I bought off ebay a tupperware gym kit - I've always wanted one, so now I've splurged and finally got one - will definitely come in handy after surgery but also for now because I'm doing hydrotherapy. The kit comes with a gym bag, a microfibre towel, water bottle, lunch box, two snack cups and two bottles for like, shower gel and shampoo etc. I can't wait to get stuck into aqua aerobics and aqua zumba - so fun! I also went and bought myself a testing kit to test for the presence of ketones in my system - and the result.....well and truly positive! Hoorah! I also weighed myself yesterday and then due to some digestive "issues" (thanks veggies that I shouldn't be eating!!!) so I weighed in again tonight and I am currently sitting on 141.95. I also called the Oclinic for the following info:
Starting Weight at Initial Consult: 148.6kgs
Second Consult: 146kgs
Weight yesterday: 143.5kgs
Weight today: 141.95
So the numbers are definitely coming down - a relief to say the least. My initial goal was to get under 140 before my op, looks like I'm going to smash that goal - perhaps I'll set a new one for under 135 before my surgery. Wouldn't that be something! I've still got two weeks to go so it's possible!
So here's some pics from the last few days :)
My positive ketone test - in case you don't know, thats a ++ reading! :) :) I thought for just a second about keeping the test but then I thought that would be just weird and gross!
These are my attempt at stuffed mushrooms - complete with a wierd combination of shaved brocolli, herbs, tomato, capsicum, onion and tomato paste (all approved ingredients!) - they weren't fantastic but they were ok!
This was one of my very first meals - steamed broccoli and cauliflower topped with a tomato based roast capsicum and garlic sauce and grilled mushrooms - pretty good even though before this I didn't really like mushrooms much!
My new scales complete with inspirational stickers!!!
Thursday, September 11, 2014
Yee Ha!!!
Today is day 5 of my pre op diet, and I believe, in all good conscious, that I have finally reached ketosis!!!! HOORAY!!!! I actually think it started yesterday...but I'll explain what's happened since hte last time I blogged :)
So, after I blogged yesterday I went to work, and we had a staff meeting first up - of course with the usual pastries and biscuits etc that I had to sit in front of while everyone chowed down....*rolls eyes* then we had some training and as I was walking out of the conference room all of a sudden I felt very light - not light headed, just light - almost as if the entire world had shifted into fast forward. I felt like I was speaking really really fast, and everything around me was going at such a pace I could barely breathe! I sat down, took a couple of minutes, and someone pointed out that perhaps it was that my body had finally got rid of the sugars so I googled ketosis and lo and behold - fidgeting and a burst of energy are symptoms.
To date I haven't had the metallic taste in my mouth, or particularly bad breath, and I haven't been able to get my hands on a keytone test to try and confirm it for 100% but I would think by day 5 I'd have to be there. I haven't cheated AT ALL and I know that with all my heart. I've followed all the guidelines given to me and I'm doing the work.
I only just got home from hydrotherapy, and my exercise physiologist had me do a few laps in the pool - I didn't think I could do three full up and back laps but I made it - I'm so unfit!!! OH and today I also took my measurements. Here they are:
ANKLES
Left - 31cms Right - 32cms
CALVES
Left - 55cms Right - 54cms
KNEES
Left - 58cms Right - 55cms
THIGHS
Left - 81cms Right - 85cms
HIPS - 170cms
WAIST - 133cms
UNDER BUST - 131cms
BUST - 146cms
NECK - 44cms
WRISTS
Left 19cms Right - 18cms
UPPER ARMS
Left - 47.5cms Right - 44cms
Across Shoulders - 43cms
Head circumference - 59cms
I'm not really confident enough to post the pictures of me at least not right now. Perhaps in the future.
So, after I blogged yesterday I went to work, and we had a staff meeting first up - of course with the usual pastries and biscuits etc that I had to sit in front of while everyone chowed down....*rolls eyes* then we had some training and as I was walking out of the conference room all of a sudden I felt very light - not light headed, just light - almost as if the entire world had shifted into fast forward. I felt like I was speaking really really fast, and everything around me was going at such a pace I could barely breathe! I sat down, took a couple of minutes, and someone pointed out that perhaps it was that my body had finally got rid of the sugars so I googled ketosis and lo and behold - fidgeting and a burst of energy are symptoms.
To date I haven't had the metallic taste in my mouth, or particularly bad breath, and I haven't been able to get my hands on a keytone test to try and confirm it for 100% but I would think by day 5 I'd have to be there. I haven't cheated AT ALL and I know that with all my heart. I've followed all the guidelines given to me and I'm doing the work.
I only just got home from hydrotherapy, and my exercise physiologist had me do a few laps in the pool - I didn't think I could do three full up and back laps but I made it - I'm so unfit!!! OH and today I also took my measurements. Here they are:
ANKLES
Left - 31cms Right - 32cms
CALVES
Left - 55cms Right - 54cms
KNEES
Left - 58cms Right - 55cms
THIGHS
Left - 81cms Right - 85cms
HIPS - 170cms
WAIST - 133cms
UNDER BUST - 131cms
BUST - 146cms
NECK - 44cms
WRISTS
Left 19cms Right - 18cms
UPPER ARMS
Left - 47.5cms Right - 44cms
Across Shoulders - 43cms
Head circumference - 59cms
I'm not really confident enough to post the pictures of me at least not right now. Perhaps in the future.
Wednesday, September 10, 2014
Day Four :)
It's 7:55am on day four of my pre op diet, and I had a terrible night's sleep last night - I couldn't switch my brain off! I didn't want to take the sleep supplement I usually take because I wasn't sure I'd be allowed. It is a GORGEOUS sunny day here, not a cloud in sight for miles, and so far things have definitely improved in terms of my overall wellbeing. The first two days were absolutely ROTTEN, the cravings were so intense and my headaches, nausea, fatigue and hunger were very hard to deal with. I took Tuesday off to deal with it, which I think was a good call. Yesterday there was definitely improvement and I went back to work, I'm still getting the occasional headache but I'm not getting the cravings or the massive hunger that I was. I'm also not as shakey as I was which is a relief. I still get hunger pains, they're more manageable though.
Last night I made what I've coined as "Pam's Veggie Marinara"- steamed brocolli and cauliflower, a beautiful roasted capsicum and garlic sauce I made, topped with mushrooms pan fried in a little olive oil :) it was AMAZING and tasted sooooooo much like "real food"that I could hardly believe it. My tummy was full, I was completely satisfied, and rather shocked at how good I felt. The only ongoing issue I have at the moment is because the majority of the vegetables I'm allowed to have are on the "no no"list for if you have irritable bowel syndrome I am experiencing a little bit of pain and cramping. It's managable though!
I still haven't done photos or measurements, I'm so slack! I'm thinking of getting my friend to help me tomorrow as I have the day off. I haven't noticed any weight loss yet, although I'm told that will come, and it might be happening without me even noticing it because I generally dont see it much on myself. I'm told that weight loss will occur over the pre op diet, but that's not really my goal at this point. I'm going to bed at night thinking about my liver - willing it to become soft and pink and pliable so they can move it out of the way. When the surgeon looks at my liver I want him to KNOW I didn't cheat!
I'm so proud of myself for staying with the program and not cheating. I know there are those who are really struggling with it, or have really struggled with it, and I'm so proud of myself for hanging in there and doing it properly. I take great pride in that, because I was so scared of how this would go. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to follow through, that I'd screw up somehow. So far, however, so good, and I'm really happy that I've followed the plan to the letter because it proves to me that I can do the same thing post op.
Well, I better get dressed and head off to work - more soon!
Tuesday, September 9, 2014
My First Recipe Win!!!!
So today I tried to get creative and got a win! Here's my fabulous pre op soup recipe :)
Please note, amounts are not exact as I was doing a bit of "chuck in this and that" but all items on the recipe list are items I've been advised I can have. Please adjust accordingly for your specific plan and always follow your dietician's advice!
800g can tomatos
1.5 red capsicums, de seeded and laid flat
3 cloves of garlic, sliced in half
3 sticks of celery
1 onion, quartered
1 carrot sliced
a good dash of chilli (I use the herbs in the tubes)
a good dash of italian herbs (same deal)
Some chicken stock as required
Lay out capsicum flat on an alfoil covered tray, put the garlic cloves inside each slab of capsicum and drizzle the allowed amount of olive oil over the top. Roast until aromatic and garlic is nicely browned. Throw everything into a soup maker (I have a kambrook and it's AWESOME) and set to smooth. Switch it on and let er rip! I was really hoping it tasted as good as it smelt, and it was!!!!!!!! it makes a fair bit of soup, so this will last me a few days, but its great to have some to take to work so that I can heat it up and feel normal!!!! All ingredients are completely free for me, so I can soup it up!!! :) Will keep you posted on any other soup recipes I discover along the way! :)
Please note, amounts are not exact as I was doing a bit of "chuck in this and that" but all items on the recipe list are items I've been advised I can have. Please adjust accordingly for your specific plan and always follow your dietician's advice!
800g can tomatos
1.5 red capsicums, de seeded and laid flat
3 cloves of garlic, sliced in half
3 sticks of celery
1 onion, quartered
1 carrot sliced
a good dash of chilli (I use the herbs in the tubes)
a good dash of italian herbs (same deal)
Some chicken stock as required
Lay out capsicum flat on an alfoil covered tray, put the garlic cloves inside each slab of capsicum and drizzle the allowed amount of olive oil over the top. Roast until aromatic and garlic is nicely browned. Throw everything into a soup maker (I have a kambrook and it's AWESOME) and set to smooth. Switch it on and let er rip! I was really hoping it tasted as good as it smelt, and it was!!!!!!!! it makes a fair bit of soup, so this will last me a few days, but its great to have some to take to work so that I can heat it up and feel normal!!!! All ingredients are completely free for me, so I can soup it up!!! :) Will keep you posted on any other soup recipes I discover along the way! :)
Monday, September 8, 2014
One Down, 20 to go!
So, yesterday was my first day of optifast, and my alarm went off at 4:30am.....oh yes, I had forgotten that kind of time even EXISTED! I dutifully made my optifast with a good dose of benefibre, jumped in my car and began the drive to Sydney for my dietitian, psychologist and GP appointments at the O Clinic.
All was going well until about 2 hours in the trip when hunger kicked in. I already knew what to expect as I had been substituting one meal a day with opti for a while now and I knew how crappy I felt around this time, so I got stuck into the water and carried on. I got all the way to Sydney, 5 hours later, and pulled up a little ways from the clinic with the plan of rewarding myself with the opti bar I had packed that morning......
Unfortunately, when I reached for said bar, it wasn't there. It wasn't anywhere. I had somehow left the bar at home, meaning I had nothing to get me from Sydney all the way back to Tamworth. Not the best start let's just say!
I took a deep breath and walked the couple of blocks to the clinic. Got weighed in the waiting room and a few minutes later a skinny, blonde lady called me in - she was the GP. My blood test results were all fine and dandy cept my vitamin D levels were extremely low. I explained that I had ankle surgery earlier in the year, and had a long recovery from that so I'd been stuck in doors for a long period of time, and she nodded. As I'm adverse to injections she wrote a script for a supplement to take for the next two weeks and I was done.
Appointment number two was with the dietician, also tall, skinny and blonde. She was also fairly happy with me, said it sounded like I knew what I was doing and had done the research necessary to be successful. She gave me a comprehensive booklet and explained everything up to when I see her next, and she very kindly spotted me an opti bar to get me out of trouble since I'd forgotten mine! I was back in the waiting room, nibbling on my bar before I knew it and soon another tall, skinny blonde lady (sensing a pattern here?) who also looked like she'd never struggled a day in her life with her weight, advised me she was the psychologist.
To say that my appointment with the psychologist was less than helpful would be the best explanation I could offer. At worst I can honestly say it was the most negative, discouraging, down right awful experience I'd had throughout this whole process. She was extremely negative, offered me NOTHING in terms of suggestion on strategies or any helpful hints, made me rehash my whole sorry story and then proceeded to point out just how 'complex' my issues were and that if I didn't figure out how I was going to handle my emotions post op the whole thing would be a waste. She told me that any lasting change for me would be extremely difficult due to my history, and that I needed to 'give it some thought'. I felt like telling her she should give some thought to not being such a !"£$ and then we could both see how we fared!!!! I was absolutely GUTTED by the experience, and left the clinic feeling hopeless, and frankly kicked while I was down.
I had a cry, called my husband, and then pulled myself together and gave myself a little talking to. I'm very used to taking what other people say at face value, and when it comes to any kind of health professional I take what they say very seriously. However, there are a few red flags here that gave me pause:
1. The woman did look like she'd never ever struggled with her weight which decreases her credibility in my opinion
2. When I was telling her about the abuse I had suffered as a child, her reactions to what I was saying were not appropriate (I know this because I studied counselling for years) - she was acting shocked, and frankly looked like she was about to cry at one point, and while I continued with my story it did make me feel like she couldn't handle what I was saying and made me want to just clam up.
3. She only spent an hour with me and couldn't possibly know me properly in that time
4. She completely glossed over the fact that I had several strategies in place to deal with my emotions, and instead stated 'well those obviously dont work because you haven't lost weight'. I disagree, I've never had gastric sleeve surgery before, how would I or her or anyone know whether those strategies will work??? I haven't had the bloody thing yet!
5. She also didnt take into account that I have faith in a God who can do ANYTHING, and who can heal me and deal with my emotions in ways that we cannot even fathom.
6. She had absolutely no empathy for the fact that it was my first day of optifast, or for the fact that perhaps I might be a little fragile to begin with, but instead said 'well this might sound harsh, but what you've already gone through is harsh" - so that gives her the right to stick the knife in further???? So because I've been abused as a kid I get to be discouraged from life saving surgery by a chick who really has no idea what I've been through, or how I've gotten through it, and is acting like the emotional backlash of getting this surgery done will be WORSE than 19 years of physical, mental and emotional abuse I suffered as a child.....Um....hellooooo......still standing here?? I've obviously dealt with it somehow, and yes food was a factor but there's more to me than just an overeater!!!!
7. I told her I worked in child protection to which she very smugly said 'interesting choice of career' - which i found just a little bit insulting considering I'd say a LOT of caseworkers come from abusive homes - it's how we make sense of what happened to us. She also failed to note that as I live in a smaller place finding a therapist who ISNT a conflict of interest and who sticks around longer than five minutes is a bit of a challenge!
8. There was nothing strengths based in her approach, she made no effort to help me identify appropriate strategies but kept grilling me about what I was going to do - Um, isn't that what I'm paying you for???? She made no effort to actually HELP but rather fixated on how messed up I am...and I dont even agree that I'm THAT messed up considering what I've been through!
So, with these red flags in mind, I took the little bit of good out of it and chucked the rest away. I wish I could have done that WITHOUT the tears, but I've long since resigned myself to the fact that I'm a crier - it comes from my mother's side of the family, my grandmother cries at the drop of a hat! LOL
So, pulling myself together, I high tailed it out of Sydney, stopped for a coke zero, and slowly made my way home despite a headache that felt like a mallet was pounding in my brain. I was absolutely shattered by the time I got home, but quickly set to chopping up a tonne of veggies to stir fry for dinner. The dinner was ok, but less than awesome I'm afraid, and my stomach wasn't happy later on. The opti dessert however was quite nice, giving me hope that perhaps the lemon one is nice too :) I think I'll mainly stick with the shakes, at least I dont mind the taste of those, and the veggies will be supplementing but wont be the main part of my diet.
I got about 10 hours sleep last night, which is a lot for me, and its now 9:49am the following morning. My emotions are all over the shop, my head is feeling woozy and I'm so tired physically even though mentally I'm awake! I have a psychologist assessment at 12:30 and then my beautiful mate Robs who has also started opti in preparation for her sleeve surgery in october has invited me around for "lunch"- LOL vanilla is on the menu!
I'm going to ask the clinic whether there is another psychologist available. If not I'm going to politely decline any more appointments. That kind of negativity will not get me where I need to be. I will be telling them exactly what I think though because it's awful that a professional can be so discouraging!
Upon reflection I do realise that some of her points are valid, and I will do everything I possibly can through regular therapy in my home town to deal with things as they arise. Speaking of which I have an appointment so I best be going! I'll post more later :)
All was going well until about 2 hours in the trip when hunger kicked in. I already knew what to expect as I had been substituting one meal a day with opti for a while now and I knew how crappy I felt around this time, so I got stuck into the water and carried on. I got all the way to Sydney, 5 hours later, and pulled up a little ways from the clinic with the plan of rewarding myself with the opti bar I had packed that morning......
Unfortunately, when I reached for said bar, it wasn't there. It wasn't anywhere. I had somehow left the bar at home, meaning I had nothing to get me from Sydney all the way back to Tamworth. Not the best start let's just say!
I took a deep breath and walked the couple of blocks to the clinic. Got weighed in the waiting room and a few minutes later a skinny, blonde lady called me in - she was the GP. My blood test results were all fine and dandy cept my vitamin D levels were extremely low. I explained that I had ankle surgery earlier in the year, and had a long recovery from that so I'd been stuck in doors for a long period of time, and she nodded. As I'm adverse to injections she wrote a script for a supplement to take for the next two weeks and I was done.
Appointment number two was with the dietician, also tall, skinny and blonde. She was also fairly happy with me, said it sounded like I knew what I was doing and had done the research necessary to be successful. She gave me a comprehensive booklet and explained everything up to when I see her next, and she very kindly spotted me an opti bar to get me out of trouble since I'd forgotten mine! I was back in the waiting room, nibbling on my bar before I knew it and soon another tall, skinny blonde lady (sensing a pattern here?) who also looked like she'd never struggled a day in her life with her weight, advised me she was the psychologist.
To say that my appointment with the psychologist was less than helpful would be the best explanation I could offer. At worst I can honestly say it was the most negative, discouraging, down right awful experience I'd had throughout this whole process. She was extremely negative, offered me NOTHING in terms of suggestion on strategies or any helpful hints, made me rehash my whole sorry story and then proceeded to point out just how 'complex' my issues were and that if I didn't figure out how I was going to handle my emotions post op the whole thing would be a waste. She told me that any lasting change for me would be extremely difficult due to my history, and that I needed to 'give it some thought'. I felt like telling her she should give some thought to not being such a !"£$ and then we could both see how we fared!!!! I was absolutely GUTTED by the experience, and left the clinic feeling hopeless, and frankly kicked while I was down.
I had a cry, called my husband, and then pulled myself together and gave myself a little talking to. I'm very used to taking what other people say at face value, and when it comes to any kind of health professional I take what they say very seriously. However, there are a few red flags here that gave me pause:
1. The woman did look like she'd never ever struggled with her weight which decreases her credibility in my opinion
2. When I was telling her about the abuse I had suffered as a child, her reactions to what I was saying were not appropriate (I know this because I studied counselling for years) - she was acting shocked, and frankly looked like she was about to cry at one point, and while I continued with my story it did make me feel like she couldn't handle what I was saying and made me want to just clam up.
3. She only spent an hour with me and couldn't possibly know me properly in that time
4. She completely glossed over the fact that I had several strategies in place to deal with my emotions, and instead stated 'well those obviously dont work because you haven't lost weight'. I disagree, I've never had gastric sleeve surgery before, how would I or her or anyone know whether those strategies will work??? I haven't had the bloody thing yet!
5. She also didnt take into account that I have faith in a God who can do ANYTHING, and who can heal me and deal with my emotions in ways that we cannot even fathom.
6. She had absolutely no empathy for the fact that it was my first day of optifast, or for the fact that perhaps I might be a little fragile to begin with, but instead said 'well this might sound harsh, but what you've already gone through is harsh" - so that gives her the right to stick the knife in further???? So because I've been abused as a kid I get to be discouraged from life saving surgery by a chick who really has no idea what I've been through, or how I've gotten through it, and is acting like the emotional backlash of getting this surgery done will be WORSE than 19 years of physical, mental and emotional abuse I suffered as a child.....Um....hellooooo......still standing here?? I've obviously dealt with it somehow, and yes food was a factor but there's more to me than just an overeater!!!!
7. I told her I worked in child protection to which she very smugly said 'interesting choice of career' - which i found just a little bit insulting considering I'd say a LOT of caseworkers come from abusive homes - it's how we make sense of what happened to us. She also failed to note that as I live in a smaller place finding a therapist who ISNT a conflict of interest and who sticks around longer than five minutes is a bit of a challenge!
8. There was nothing strengths based in her approach, she made no effort to help me identify appropriate strategies but kept grilling me about what I was going to do - Um, isn't that what I'm paying you for???? She made no effort to actually HELP but rather fixated on how messed up I am...and I dont even agree that I'm THAT messed up considering what I've been through!
So, with these red flags in mind, I took the little bit of good out of it and chucked the rest away. I wish I could have done that WITHOUT the tears, but I've long since resigned myself to the fact that I'm a crier - it comes from my mother's side of the family, my grandmother cries at the drop of a hat! LOL
So, pulling myself together, I high tailed it out of Sydney, stopped for a coke zero, and slowly made my way home despite a headache that felt like a mallet was pounding in my brain. I was absolutely shattered by the time I got home, but quickly set to chopping up a tonne of veggies to stir fry for dinner. The dinner was ok, but less than awesome I'm afraid, and my stomach wasn't happy later on. The opti dessert however was quite nice, giving me hope that perhaps the lemon one is nice too :) I think I'll mainly stick with the shakes, at least I dont mind the taste of those, and the veggies will be supplementing but wont be the main part of my diet.
I got about 10 hours sleep last night, which is a lot for me, and its now 9:49am the following morning. My emotions are all over the shop, my head is feeling woozy and I'm so tired physically even though mentally I'm awake! I have a psychologist assessment at 12:30 and then my beautiful mate Robs who has also started opti in preparation for her sleeve surgery in october has invited me around for "lunch"- LOL vanilla is on the menu!
I'm going to ask the clinic whether there is another psychologist available. If not I'm going to politely decline any more appointments. That kind of negativity will not get me where I need to be. I will be telling them exactly what I think though because it's awful that a professional can be so discouraging!
Upon reflection I do realise that some of her points are valid, and I will do everything I possibly can through regular therapy in my home town to deal with things as they arise. Speaking of which I have an appointment so I best be going! I'll post more later :)
Sunday, September 7, 2014
The Final Countdown....
Well, its 7:10pm on the evening of the final countdown - I have a roast chook in the oven, hubbie is on his way home from the footy, and I am gearing up for my final "meal" before my surgery. Tomorrow I'll be time minus 21 days.
Tomorrow I'm also driving to Sydney for my dietician and psychologist appointments at the O Clinic. I'm a bit nervous about driving on like, no food, but I figure I'll have a shake in the morning, and take some bars with me, and I'll grab a second shake later on by taking a bottle and getting a water on the way home. Got to be a little creative for this I reckon!
Tomorrow night I will likely try, and I do mean TRY, one of the soups, and if that doesn't work I'll stir fry some veg and perhaps make a pudding :) I'd say by Tuesday morning I will be either feeling ok or feeling really really awful - I guess we'll see.
I also will need to start taking photos and measurements. I keep putting it off I guess because I'm still in a bit of denial that I'm so close now. Today I spent the day hanging out at home, getting housework done and slothing around. I made spaghetti just like my mother used to make me for lunch, and I'm sipping a glass of port. I haven't held back today with food, because I figure I might as well enjoy my last day.
I've been thinking a lot today about letting go - letting go of my past, my weight, and in a way myself. Being the fat kid has been a massive part of my life, my identity, and letting that go is going to be pretty hard. My weight is so wrapped up in the abuse I suffered as a child that I've been triggered pretty hugely even in the preparation for this change. I've been having dreams, not bad dreams, just dreams where in it I'm at varying ages of childhood. I've also been having flash backs, things that my husband has said or done that have triggered me and made me react.
When I look in the mirror, I see the fat kid. By going through this process I'm wiping away my last link, my last sign, my last reminder of all that was done to me, of all that my father robbed from me. That's both an incredibly empowering and sobering thought. It feels like a death, like my weight has been sort of a badge I've been carrying around with me all this time. Like I've been able to point at my rolls and say "look! look at this! look at what he did to me!" and once that's gone I'll have nothing left. But of course that causes me to ask why the HELL would I want a reminder?? Why would I want to hold on to that garbage?
I don't have an answer for that. It seems ludicrous to me that I would even CONSIDER keeping that kind of association with me. I guess the unknown is always scary - always intimidating. No matter how exciting the journey is, it's also an unknown entity and there in lies the rub. Just like a wise man once said...
I have the gorgeous support group (two of which are actually doing optifast for the whole three weeks WITH ME and one whose getting sleeved as well), I have enough optifast to get me started, and I believe I have the willpower and brute stubborness to see this through.
Let the journey begin!
Tomorrow I'm also driving to Sydney for my dietician and psychologist appointments at the O Clinic. I'm a bit nervous about driving on like, no food, but I figure I'll have a shake in the morning, and take some bars with me, and I'll grab a second shake later on by taking a bottle and getting a water on the way home. Got to be a little creative for this I reckon!
Tomorrow night I will likely try, and I do mean TRY, one of the soups, and if that doesn't work I'll stir fry some veg and perhaps make a pudding :) I'd say by Tuesday morning I will be either feeling ok or feeling really really awful - I guess we'll see.
I also will need to start taking photos and measurements. I keep putting it off I guess because I'm still in a bit of denial that I'm so close now. Today I spent the day hanging out at home, getting housework done and slothing around. I made spaghetti just like my mother used to make me for lunch, and I'm sipping a glass of port. I haven't held back today with food, because I figure I might as well enjoy my last day.
I've been thinking a lot today about letting go - letting go of my past, my weight, and in a way myself. Being the fat kid has been a massive part of my life, my identity, and letting that go is going to be pretty hard. My weight is so wrapped up in the abuse I suffered as a child that I've been triggered pretty hugely even in the preparation for this change. I've been having dreams, not bad dreams, just dreams where in it I'm at varying ages of childhood. I've also been having flash backs, things that my husband has said or done that have triggered me and made me react.
When I look in the mirror, I see the fat kid. By going through this process I'm wiping away my last link, my last sign, my last reminder of all that was done to me, of all that my father robbed from me. That's both an incredibly empowering and sobering thought. It feels like a death, like my weight has been sort of a badge I've been carrying around with me all this time. Like I've been able to point at my rolls and say "look! look at this! look at what he did to me!" and once that's gone I'll have nothing left. But of course that causes me to ask why the HELL would I want a reminder?? Why would I want to hold on to that garbage?
I don't have an answer for that. It seems ludicrous to me that I would even CONSIDER keeping that kind of association with me. I guess the unknown is always scary - always intimidating. No matter how exciting the journey is, it's also an unknown entity and there in lies the rub. Just like a wise man once said...
I have the gorgeous support group (two of which are actually doing optifast for the whole three weeks WITH ME and one whose getting sleeved as well), I have enough optifast to get me started, and I believe I have the willpower and brute stubborness to see this through.
Let the journey begin!
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