Identity Crisis

Time has rolled on relentlessly, and the last couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster or emotions. Last Monday I went to Sydney to visit the clinic that did my surgery, and the experience was less than pleasant. Unfortunately my dietician in Sydney believes the complete opposite to the dietician here, so it's hard to go and pay lipservice to one professional and not get a little freaked out by what they say, even though I trust my dietician here 100%. After a few days I got to speak to my dietician and he set my head right again so I felt a lot better. I wish I didn't need that external validation, but sometimes especially when it comes to this I do and I guess that's ok. At least I know where to go to get it!

I've been really struggling lately with negativity, and resentment, and anger. Not necessarily at myself, but at external factors. I have to learn to get past it, but I just dont know how. I feel like at the moment I'm trying to form a new identity, the identity of someone who is not overweight, someone who is healthy, and active, and confident. I dont quite know who I am anymore. Don't get me wrong I still have about 20kgs to reach what I think would be an acceptable weight for me, so I'm not there yet, but I'm starting to get into a more socially acceptable weight range, and I certainly am starting to look a little more socially acceptable (at least with clothes on!) so I guess the question I'm asking myself now is who am I without it? I feel like I have to start building up who I am again, and I'm not quite sure at this stage who that is yet. I get glimpses every once in a while, and I have to say I kinda like the person I get a snippet of every once in a while - I actually really like her. But then she gets clouded over by me and my insecurities, and hurt, and hang ups.

I'm so determined to make changes, both internally and externally. I still have many many issues, and as we go along I'm finding that they're bubbling to the surface and I'm having to try and work through them. There's someone at work that I'm REALLY struggling with, and I have to learn to get past my own issues I just dont know where to start.

As for the dietician, I've made the decision not to see her again. I don't think its useful for me to get all upset and confused, when I'm under the care of a professional who is realistic and helpful and who has a 100% track record! I'm learning how to take care of myself, how to slowly start to stand up for myself, and how to protect myself from things that aren't helpful or useful for me. I've also learnt how to select the people in my life that I want around, people who lift me up and make me feel better about myself. I've got a long way to go, there's so much in my way, so I'm learning to take things day by day and just try to make choices that are going to help me rather than hurt me.

On that note, I'm off to the gym!