So, the last couple of weeks have been really full on work wise, but I'm pleased to say that my outlook on things have improved somewhat. Its been hard to push myself into all these changes, changes in eating, exercising, recording everything, trying to get enough fluids, tracking everything, plus then work went absolutely ballistic - and to top it all off I got ambushed at work 5 minus before I had my first psychologist appointment and I spent hte majority of my first appointment bawling my eyes out to this woman I dont even know and whinging about work - not exactly what I wanted to be doing. I WANTED to be talking about my surgery and food issues, but instead there I was having a sooky sooky la la because I felt like I'd been bullied at work. Ahh the best laid plans.....
I've also made a decision to not look at the scales - I mean at ALL. I get weighed at the dietician and I let him record it and that's it. I told him I dont want to know - if there's a problem I'm sure he'll tell me, but until then I'm just not going to look at the numbers because every time I do I get depressed and end up in tears. There's been a LOT of tears lately I'm afraid.
But I did learn something about myself lately. I learned that I dont have to apologise for who I am anymore. Yeah, I have faults (shocking I know) and yes I'm loud and emotional, and I run hot and cold sometimes because I have an anxiety disorder to content with, I get overwhelmed, I drop the balls occasionally, and I can be selfish. But I am also kind, and soft hearted, and forgiving. I am strong in ways I didn't even realise. I have insight, I can be empathetic towards other people and put myself in their shoes, and I have something valuable to contribute. I am starting to lose weight, and it's starting to show - people are noticing and I am starting to gain a little onfidence in myself as someone who is worth knowing.
I'm not getting a big head or anything, after all there's a lot about me that's hard to swallow at times. But when I was confronted with someone very forceful laying out what they thought was wrong with me I was tempted to take it on board....but eventually I realised (after a few tears) that if she has a problem with me, and who I am - that's HER problem not mine. And all of a sudden, things fell into perspective. I dont have to apologise, I have nothing to apologise for. You either accept me for me, or move it along. I deserve nothing less.
I haven't been to the gym at all this week cept for Sunday and I know that's got to change. I'm working on a long list of things I want to change in my life, to make it easier for me to be healthy and adopt good habits. I am only now starting to fully wrap my head around food, and I still at this stage feel like I have very limited options as to what I can eat. I'm sure that will change in time, just right now I still have to be very careful and be sure to stop when I'm getting full. That's sometimes really hard to judge, but I'm getting better.
So, dont ask me what I weigh, I dont have a clue. Dont ask me what my measurements are I haven't taken them in ages. All I know is that I'm starting to get rid of clothes, favourite clothes, clothes that used to fit just fine, and I've had lots of people say that I'm losing weight. I can even see it myself in some photos. I know I'm doing the right things, and I'm trying really hard to adopt a better lifestyle. That's all I can really do at this point.
As for the rest.....if you build it, it will come....
No comments:
Post a Comment