Prayer of a Future Sleever..........

Dear Lord,

When I was born, you knew exactly what I would look like. You knew every hair on my head. You had a purpose for me, and you loved me before I was even conceived. You chose the exact day, date, time and place of my birth. You chose my parents, my family, my siblings. You knew who I would be. I have value not because of what I am, but because you are my creator. 

But something went wrong.....

Somewhere a long the line, I became broken. I was eaten away by the acid of a broken, evil world. It started with a father who feared having a fat child and created exactly what he feared. My grandmother who over compensated for my abuse by giving me food. The kids at school who bullied the fat kid instead of befriending her and giving her a place to be herself. The stepmother who watched a teenager be ridiculed, abused, hit, pushed, shoved, threatened, belittled and verbally assaulted and did nothing. The brother who was taught to join in the abuse and who didn't know any better. The school friends who knew something was wrong but didn't know what to do about it. The teachers who suspected but never reported. The string of flings who told me what I wanted to hear even just for a short time. 

And finally, it starts and ends with me. At the end of my days when I stand before your throne, none of the rest will matter. The only thing that will matter is what I did with the time you gave me. And the truth is, til now, I've wasted that time on things that will fade. I've stuffed my face with bad food because it makes me feel good in the moment. It numbs the pain. It shuts off the voices in my head that tell me how ugly, useless and awful I am. It makes me happy and stops me from feeling anger and hurt. I haven't been living my best life, I know that. You didn't create me to be this way, and I know that the tears I am crying now you cry with me. 

So, I'm heeding the words that may have in the flesh come from my surgeon but really have come from you. I got it. I get that if something doesn't change, my life will be over all too soon. I won't have children to love and to raise as you would have me do. I won't be able to share my voice with larger audiences and revel in the gift you gave me. I won't see the wonder and magic of nature that you created for me because I won't be physically able to walk there. I won't travel, serve, and give the way you want me to because of the limitations my obesity places upon me. I get it. Really I do. 

But God, I'm really really scared. My whole life losing weight has been a mountain too hard to climb and now I face an even bigger mountain with this surgery. And it's not even the surgery that scares me, not really - it's what comes afterwards. I know there's a very real possibility of me relapsing and I just cannot afford to do that. This must work. No ifs buts or maybes. But I cannot do it alone. I know that without your strength and your love, I will fail. I've been here time and time again, but this time has to be different. This time it really is life or death. Lord, help me choose life. Walk with me as I take this step towards health and well being. Guide the surgeons and the nurses as they perform this operation. Knit my wounds back together precisely the way they should without any complications. But perhaps even more importantly, Lord please help me change my mindset. Help me accept my new life with grace and strength. Help me to be a witness to my friends and family who struggle with their weight, that there is hope and it can be done. Help me to bear this cross because in comparison to yours, it is so light.

And Lord, let there be life after this. A long, long life.

Amen.