Not Just a River in Egypt....

According to the Kubler Ross model, there are five stages of grief after a significant loss. Those stages are: denial, anger, bargaining, depression and acceptance. It's not a linear progression though, a person can skip from one stage to another and go back and forth before finally reaching acceptance at the other end.

Well this morning something really strange happened. It was like the moment I opened my eyes I shifted gear from denial straight into anger.

                                                 ........no........

                                                                   rage........

                                                                                  pure, untainted, rage. 

Tge worst part about anger is there's no one to be angry at - except yourself. In one day I went from trying to be positive and upbeat to LOATHING everything about myself and everything and everyone. I raged at my husband. I raged at my work. I raged at the friends who seem to have ditched me lately for no reason. I raged at my life. I raged at my weight. I raged at food, I raged at my weaknesses. I raged at my father for his obsession with not having a fat kid and in turn creating what he feared. I raged at the years of stealing food, obsessing over food, comforting with food, sneaking food, dreaming about food, socializing with food, buying food, swapping food, promising I wont eat food and all the failed attempts at losing weight and all the money lost.

At the end of my rage there was nothing. Just, nothing. Nothing except a profound sadness that it has all come to this. Why me? Why this? Why is it that I have to jump through all these hoops just to live and have children when I deal with client after client every single day who gets to do that and they completely abuse their bodies and their children and take their circumstances for granted....it just doesn't seem fair.

II know, I have ventured far into 'pity party' territory - as Brad said, I'm wallowing and I know that's true. I knew this journey would be hard, but I had no idea that this would hit me today - and I haven't even had to start dealing with the restriction in food yet!! It was an emotional reaction I didn't expect. I know I'll wake up tomorrow and be totally fine - it's just after so long of living in de-nile I've finally left Egypt, and it's going to take me a little while to adjust.....

*sigh*