Well, this may be my last blog on here for a while, so I better make it a good one! As you can tell it's been quite some time since i've written, not necessarily because I haven't had anything to say, but more because things have changed so quickly it's hard to keep up! Gears have shifted quite dramatically over the past few months, and going through the transition from hefty weight loss to more a maintenance phase has been a very difficult thing for me. In fact, I'd say the journey is more scary NOW than it was in the beginning, because the reality is, now i have to employ all the things I have learnt and go forth into the world no longer a newbie to this but instead having more food choices and MAKING the right ones. It's easy to make good choices when your body won't really let you make anything else - but when the options once again start opening up to you, and your body starts wanting a little more in the way of volume of food, thats when things get a little dangerous. I've so gotten used to all the doors being closed that opening them up even a little bit is absolutely terrifying.
The problem is, I also have to start increasing my caloric intake just to live. You can only live on 850 calories a day for so long, and at some point your body starts breaking down if you don't up the anti. That's been really hard for me. I've gotten up to around 1100-1200 per day on a good day, which is both a relief and a dissappointment - a relief because it means I'm getting closer to what my dietician wants to do, and a disappointment because emotionally I feel like I was happier and felt more in control at 850! I have to trust that my dietician knows what I'm doing, so I'm trying very hard to follow his advice.
On the 29th of September I reached my 12 month "Sleeversary" - on the day I went out for coffee with a friend at lunch time, and the following weekend I held a high tea for some of my closest supporters - I wanted to thank them for everything they've done to encourage me and support me on my weight loss journey. As of today I now weigh 85.7kgs - a total weight loss of 62.9 kgs. I'm not where I want to be just yet, but I'm certainly a LOT closer than I used to be! I now buy clothing in a size 16 (unheard of for me this time last year!) I can buy clothes from most of the stores in town, big or small, and I've had to rekit out my wardrobe for work because everything I used to wear no longer fits. I no longer own any clothing from my old life - and in fact I'm about to start getting rid of clothing that I only bought a matter of months ago because it's also too big! My aim at this point is to portray at work a more professional, put together look - classic with a touch of colour - mainly because I want to be taken seriously and I've realised that wearing jeans and t s
I continue to struggle with exercise, and I expect I always will - it's an aspect of this journey that unfortunately hasn't really improved from day one, because the truth is I just dont like it - I always feel better AFTER but I don't enjoy it, and I can't say I expect to ever enjoy it. But that's ok, going 4 times a week means its at most 40 mins out of my day, and surely I spend more time in a week on housework that I hate as well so there's not a whole lot of difference. It's just the struggle in my head that I deal with, and probably will always have to wage war against my head that gives a million excuses to NOT go.
The only other thing I wanted to say was the wonderful ways God allows me to pay it forward - there's a lovely girl who serves me at my favourite dress shop who is just beginning this journey, and I've been able to offer my support to her as she prepares to start on this road and that perhaps is the most gratifying thing that's happened in this recently. I am keenly aware of the people who have held me up throughout the first 12 months post op, and getting the chance to reach out and help someone else makes it all worth it. It's extraordinary to me that sitting here today in my size 16 denim shorts I am a mere shadow physically of the person I was 12 months ago - and I am absolutely determined to continue on this journey for a long time to come yet.I will still pop in occasionally, updating you all on my struggles and triumphs. So far I've achieved a few milestones, most noteably buying size 16 clothing, flying without a seatbelt extension, using an upright bike at the gym, regularly even GOING
to the gym, walking every day at lunch time and losing 60+ kilos. My eventual goal is around 80kgs or even just under, but I cannot say I'm too obsessed with that right now - I'm more interested in how clothing is fitting me, whether I'm doing the exercise I need to, and whether I'm eating right. The balance between eating enough and too much seems no more than a knifes edge to me, although I'm sure the science is not as exact as that, but trying to strike that balance is where my focus lies now. Going into the Christmas period is a dangerous time for anyone trying to lose weight, and no less so for someone trying to UP the calories but in a controlled healthy manner. I pray so ardently that I can keep doing what I've been doing, being honest with myself and not letting incidental eating and "picking" get on top of me.I really hope there's someone out there who reads this blog and gets something out of it - for me, this journey has been all about finding myself. I'm not there yet, but I'm definitely committed to figuring out who I am now WITHOUT the weight - which is a challenge in itself! What I do know is that I have more strength, determination, dedication and heart than I knew - I'm more committed than I knew - and I'm a truly good person with a good heart. I deserve to have people in my life who support me and love me for me, and I know better than ever before who those people are, and who they aren't. I hope I never forget that important lesson, which has been perhaps the most important of all. God inte
nds for me to live a good life, a healthy life, and that life for me has only just begun!
Until my next update!
Love it.
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