Reflections....

Its late at night and I'm feeling reflective - so I blog, as we 21 centurians tend to do these days! Why write in a diary that no one will ever read when you can post it on the internet and expose your innermost secrets to the world right??

Well, I digress - and besides, I dont ever blog secrets - that would be silly!

The last few weeks have been really hectic, and kind of up and down. Mostly up, but with a few downers. The first was work, uuggghh has been really full on. The second - I found out I have permanent nerve damage in my ankle. That's ok I guess, but it does get me down a bit because it means I'll always have numbness and tingling in my ankle and that sucks. Plus it might prevent me from doing things later on that I want to do, so that's pretty sucky too! For now though, I'm ok, and still able to go to the gym and go walking and stuff.

Speaking of the gym, I've been totally slack this week! I was meant to go this arvo, but forgot my pass so instead I came home. Vowing to go tomorrow though!

Things at home have been great, we've finally bought some furniture we've been eyeing off for ages and it's nice to be meeting those goals nad feeling like you're progressing somewhat :)

In terms of weight loss, I have hit and surpassed the 50 kilo mark now. 50 kilos. Doesn't even seem real! I feel like one minute I was AGES away from my goal, and now all of a sudden its within some degree of reach. I have to keep reminding me that its going to slow, its not always going to drop off like this, and really it should have already slowed down - but for whatever reason things have clocked along the last week or so and it's been great :) My brain still cannot really wrap around the idea that I am now barrelling down the road towards normalcy! Being NORMAL is so completely not normal! Walking down the street, I have to keep reminding myself that I look NORMAL now, I don't look like a freak anymore! When I say I still want to lose another 10-15 kgs, that's not a freakish amount now! That's NORMAL. And it feels amazing!

Emotionally I have been up and down a lot. I have been struggling with new obsessions, obsessing over calories, tracking my calories, what I eat, not eating too much - I've become a bit of a nazi, only eating what I've already counted and measured. The problem with this is that if I become too obsessive with it I've really just swapped an obsession with food with an obsession for restricting food. I know my husband worries about this, and frankly I do a little too. So, we've come up with a plan. One day a week I dont track. Today was my non tracking day. I did ok, it felt weird not taking note of every bite, and in reality I was doing the math in my head to make sure roughly that I wouldn't go over. Even now I'm sitting here very tempted to input everything into the app just to be certain - but I can't do that. I promised him I wouldn't. Gotta break the habit somehow right?

I was thinking this morning about the little things that have changed - things like what I drink. I used to be obsessed with soft drink. I'd drink it all day every day. Mainly coke zero but at times coke, lemonade, whatever. After the first 5 months post op I tentatively tried the lightly sparkling spring water that's lightly flavoured - I didn't mind it, and occasionally I still enjoy a glass or two, but I dont even drink that regularly. I didn't like how bloated it made me feel. Now days I drink flavoured water that's not even carbonated. Or tea. Or Coffee. That's about it really. I was really into diet iced tea when the weather was warm, and I'll probably go back to that again next summer, but that's it really. And I dont even miss it! In fact I think soft drink would make me sick now.

I like to remind myself of the changes that have happened - it comforts me to know that life REALLY has changed, and that I've made changes. My greatest fear is that I haven't made enough changes to prevent me from slipping back into old habits later on. While I know I have to be kind to myself, and I know that I cannot beat myself up when I slip like today, I also know that I have to be careful and do what I gotta do consistently over time to get the results I want. I do feel like I've learnt a lot about myself, and about how much strength and determination I have. I have fully embraced what being a sleever is - it's not all of who I am but it's now a part of who I am. It's such a central part of my routine, of my day, of every decision I make that it's hard to separate myself from that aspect of myself. But the truth is, there will come a day, in the hopefully not too distant future, when I graduate from being a sleever to just being me. On that day, it will become about maintenance rather than about weight loss. The focus will be on health rather than numbers. Sometimes I wish that time was now. Other times I am terrified about that day. The numbers are a double edged sword - on the negative side they are not the whole picture, they're a veryyyy small part of what's happening to me, but on the negative side they are tangible, translatable, understandable to others - I cannot adequately express what is happening to me on the inside, but I can say I've lost over 50 kgs and ppl get that - the magnitude of that is instantly understood. It's nice to have the numbers, but relying upon them too much and becoming too focused on them is a dangerous game to play because on the weeks when the numbers dont change there are still HEAPS of changes happening on the inside.

I've rambled on long enough no doubt. It's an interesting journey, I still cant believe I'm on it really! Hard to even believe I went through with it sometimes. I'm really proud of myself, and I'm determined to continue in the right direction. With me, it's all or nothing - and for the first time when it comes to my weight issues, I'm in for all!