I am NOT a happy camper. The last two weeks I have once again plateaued but that believe it or not is NOT the problem.
I am !@#%ING SICK OF FOOD.
I'm sick of smelling it. I'm sick of looking at it. I'm sick of being SICK from it. I'm sick of thinking about it. I'm sick of preparing it. I'm sick of throwing it out. I'm sick of having to rearrange it in my fridge and freezer so I can fit in MORE of it.
I AM SICK OF IT.
And the worst part is, I have no idea what to do now.
Today was my husband's birthday, and as you can imagine my eating was not fantastic. Not entirely over the top, but not fantastic. Breakfast bacon and egg on half an english muffin, lunch was biccies and nibblies with the family, dinner was chinese food. I didn't even manage dessert. I worked REALLY hard to make the day everything he wanted it to be, and he had a good day which is awesome. My in laws came over, bringing soft drink I can't drink (despite REALLY wanting to), pickles we'll throw away in a few months and about 5 cucumbers we have no way in HELL of eating because I'm the only one that eats anything remotely like that and I'd be lucky to use a few slices in a salad once in a while.
So we plough through dinner, and despite it being WAY earlier than I planned and being stinking hot I sat there in my pink cowboy hat and sweated it out in our half finished outdoor area. I ate too fast, and felt ill afterwards. I then had to wait and wait before being able to down fluids, which I am now doing like its going out of fashion because I'm dehydrated, causing me once again to feel bloated and sick but STILL thirsty.
So my weight has stalled, I feel incredibly fat and hot and sweaty, and what's my job for this evening? Cleaning out the refrigerator and throwing OUT all the food that has gone off because I cannot eat it. Gee, that sounds like fun doesn't it. (hear the sarcasm?) Yet another reminder of all the money wasted, of all the failed attempts to find some kind of balance, and all the failures I've had of late.
Why is this so hard? Where has all my resolve gone? I'm so tired all the time I barely make it to the gym once a week because every morning I wake up so so tired that I talk myself out of it, no matter how "on top" of things something always comes along to derail me, my skin is sagging in ALL the wrong places, my head hurts most of the time, and I just feel so incredibly SICK OF IT ALL. And all for what? It's not like i'm going to have a great figure at the end of this. Yes I'll be healthier, and be able to DO more things, but will anyone really care? When does this journey end and when does the fighting and struggling and scratching for every single tiny victory stop? When can I just LIVE??????!!!!!!!!
Right now I just feel like I'm failing at everything I try to do. My job SUCKS because I'm being treated like CRAP but because I swore I wouldn't gossip and bitch this year I can't exactly confide in anyone who understands. And my husband is so wonderful and so supportive but all he gets is a tired, cranky saggy old cow who is so wrapped up in her own little world that she can't give him what he wants. The friends I deeply love and who actually reciprocate I dont quite know how to talk to about all this because THEY dont understand either, and thanks to my plethora of trust issues I'm not that great at opening up to anyone who HAS.
So here I am, pathetically pouring it all out on a blog instead. Easier to talk to something that wont try to problem solve or even talk back.
For anyone who has the misfortune to have read this far, please don't pity me. I've been accused enough in recent months of having a "pity party" when I dare have a bad day. I really have a wonderful life, but right now I'm standing in a forest and all I see is the trees.
Just give me a wave from the daylight above the hole I've dug for myself and say a prayer that it will get better.
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