Identity Crisis

Time has rolled on relentlessly, and the last couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster or emotions. Last Monday I went to Sydney to visit the clinic that did my surgery, and the experience was less than pleasant. Unfortunately my dietician in Sydney believes the complete opposite to the dietician here, so it's hard to go and pay lipservice to one professional and not get a little freaked out by what they say, even though I trust my dietician here 100%. After a few days I got to speak to my dietician and he set my head right again so I felt a lot better. I wish I didn't need that external validation, but sometimes especially when it comes to this I do and I guess that's ok. At least I know where to go to get it!

I've been really struggling lately with negativity, and resentment, and anger. Not necessarily at myself, but at external factors. I have to learn to get past it, but I just dont know how. I feel like at the moment I'm trying to form a new identity, the identity of someone who is not overweight, someone who is healthy, and active, and confident. I dont quite know who I am anymore. Don't get me wrong I still have about 20kgs to reach what I think would be an acceptable weight for me, so I'm not there yet, but I'm starting to get into a more socially acceptable weight range, and I certainly am starting to look a little more socially acceptable (at least with clothes on!) so I guess the question I'm asking myself now is who am I without it? I feel like I have to start building up who I am again, and I'm not quite sure at this stage who that is yet. I get glimpses every once in a while, and I have to say I kinda like the person I get a snippet of every once in a while - I actually really like her. But then she gets clouded over by me and my insecurities, and hurt, and hang ups.

I'm so determined to make changes, both internally and externally. I still have many many issues, and as we go along I'm finding that they're bubbling to the surface and I'm having to try and work through them. There's someone at work that I'm REALLY struggling with, and I have to learn to get past my own issues I just dont know where to start.

As for the dietician, I've made the decision not to see her again. I don't think its useful for me to get all upset and confused, when I'm under the care of a professional who is realistic and helpful and who has a 100% track record! I'm learning how to take care of myself, how to slowly start to stand up for myself, and how to protect myself from things that aren't helpful or useful for me. I've also learnt how to select the people in my life that I want around, people who lift me up and make me feel better about myself. I've got a long way to go, there's so much in my way, so I'm learning to take things day by day and just try to make choices that are going to help me rather than hurt me.

On that note, I'm off to the gym!

"Me" Fatigue....

This Easter weekend I shot up to Queensland to visit with friends and family, and I got to see "Wicked" for the second time thanks to the tickets my dear husband bought me for my birthday :) I had a really great time, catching up with those who have known me the longest and the best, and it was a great time to sit back, relax and enjoy my new found freedom while relishing in the cries of "OMG you look so good!!!" ringing in my ears! :) I also discovered that I've become a little obsessive about calorie counting, something I NEVER thought would happen!!! How did I discover this you might ask?

I love Southbank! 

 Well, I have a prepaid phone, and on my phone I have "Myfitnesspal" :) It's the most AMAZING app, very easy to use, and I use it to track every single morsel of food I eat every single minute of every single day. I love it, and I've been using it to track and also to plan for the following day, which my dietician LOVES :) Unfortunately my phone started to run out of data, so I couldn't input the foods I was eating into it anymore. I went for about a day and a half without inputting my foods, though I am pretty confident I didn't go over my calorie allowance it was an interesting experiment. i was doing maths in my head, like, all the time and it became a little exhausting.

Dinner at Burger Urge!

I've never been one to count calories, so this has all been a new revelation - good grief I've BECOME one of those people!!!! Those people who know the caloric value of all their favourite junk food!!! aigh aigh aigh!!! The most interesting part was the moments of panic I would have sitting down to a meal knowing that I wasn't counting the calories in it.....AND how easy it was to instead of eating what I had PLANNED on eating instead eating what I felt like.

Chocolate Chocolate everywhere!!!!!

For example, I and my two best friends in the whole entire universe went to Burger Urge after we saw Wicked (OMG if you haven't been to Burger Urge, totally go - but if you've had weight loss surgery make sure you go with a friend who hasn't so they can share a burger with you!!!) I shared an asian burger with my bestie, she asked for it cut in half, so then I took the knife and cut a small wedge of burger off my half and ate a few chips. By the second small wedge of burger I was done - thankfully my bestie polished off the rest of my half AND hers!!! :) Now, had I budgeted my calories for half the burger I probably would have tried to plough on to fulfill this expectation - but because I wasn't tracking I listened to myself and knew that I was done. I was completely and totally full - amazing!!! I didn't feel like I'd missed out, AND I didn't make myself sick. Double win!

The tracking seems to be a double edged sword. On the one hand I'm getting to know what a "me" portion looks like now, and it's a LOT different to what it used to be. On the other hand though I am getting really sick of it, I feel like a slave to tracking everything. I know there will come a day when I dont have to do it anymore, and I know I'm not there yet - but sometimes I wish I could just let it go and just do what my psychologist talks about and just LIVE. I'm tired of rules, tired of restrictions, tired of tracking everything, tired of talking about the surgery and pretty tired of the navel gazing. Life beyond THIS still seems so remote and so far away, and so unknown. Who will I be without the weight? When I blend into the background, what will make me special? I'm so used to being the fat girl, my whole identity is changing and now I have to find other things that make me "me" - it's like a whole identity shift.

Time to get Wicked!

Here's a few things that I know about me that haven't changed:

1. I'm a loyal friend and I require the same from my friends
2. I'm pretty loud
3. I can be really melodramatic and a bit of a drama queen!
4. I don't have very thick skin, and I take things personally a lot
5. I struggle with anxiety and depression every single day
6. I have a strong work ethic and believe in working for what I want out of life
7. I have an aversion to injustice and I get really mad if I feel like I or my loved ones have been treated unfairly
8. I have a tendency to make friends with people who don't always treat me well and then find it hard to let go of them because I'm afraid of being left with no friends at all
9. I am a good person with a good heart
10. I deserve more than what I have accepted in the past and it's time for me to do what I need to do to make myself happy rather than to make other people happy.

As people shift in their perception of me, I don't ever want to forget what it was like to be socially rejected because of my weight. Yes the attention is lovely, and very encouraging - but the people that are all nice to me now were not all nice to me then, and while I accept and appreciate everyone I don't want to forget those who were on my side from the beginning. THOSE are the people I will be investing my time in.

Taking Stock....

So yesterday I had an appointment with my dietician, the first one in about six weeks. I always dread jumping on the scales with Chris because the numbers are always different from the lower ones at home!!! Anyways, we had a long chat and what shocked me was how pleased he was. As we talked, I realised just how far I had come, so I wanted to share a few of those changes!

1. Fear

Starting this journey, I was in a state of panic most days thinking that I will have had this surgery and it wont have made a difference, and I wont lose weight. I was so scared about wasting this opportunity that I white knuckled through every single day. As the weight began to drop, I started to let go of those fears. As Chris said, "if you don't lose weight eating less than 1000 calories a day, then girlfriend get ready for fame and fortune cos we'll win a nobel peace prize for solving world hunger!!! Either way we win!!" Unfortunately it looks like Chris misses out on that one!!! ha ha!

2. Eating patterns

Now dont get me wrong, I'm still on a bit of a trial and error basis!! My last "sliming episode" was a whole two days ago so I'm definitely still in the learning phase, but slowly and surely I'm picking up how much I can eat, what I can eat, and how slowly I need to eat. For example, I've stopped "grazing" - one thing that Chris told me was that if I'm going to eat something I have to put it on a plate and make an event of it. No picking! That's been a big change for me, but it's something I'm learning to do :)

Another thing is eating regularly - Chris said in order for me to be doing what I need to be doing I need to eat every couple of hours. The pattern has to be eat til I'm satisfied, let it go down, then eat again - I should never be absolutely famished nor should I ever be stuffed full. I'm really still in the learning phase of this one, but I'm getting better!

I'm still separating my fluids and foods also, which helps me to ensure that I am getting enough food and not stretching my stomach.

3. Tracking

"Myfitnesspal" changed my life! If you haven't seen this ap, you need to get it! It's simple and easy to use and I can track everything I eat easily. Chris nearly jumped for joy when I told him I'd been using it to plan my meals ahead of time - I enter in the night before what I'm going to eat the following day, and in doing so I've already got a plan in place :) It's harder to deviate from the plan when you have one! It also helps me to review the balance of WHAT I'm eating also, trying to get enough protein in my day is a constant struggle, I always seem to find more space in my diet for carbs and fats than I do for protein, but I make sure I NEVER EVER eat without protein - carbs without protein is just not on!

4. Exercise and Activity

Ok this is another work in progress, but the biggest amount of work I'm doing right now is on breaking down excuses and old mindsets that keep me from going to the gym or doing physical activity. One thing I'm working on right now is learning to not be afraid of physical activity - for example last week I had to get my car serviced, the honda dealer is a fair way from my workplace and in the past I've always gotten them to give me a lift and to drop my car off. Last week I made the decision to walk from the car dealers to work, and then walk BACK to the car dealers to pick up the car afterwards. Another example is weekly I take a walk up the main street from one end to the other to go to the library - it takes me between 15-20 minutes one way, so about 40 minutes round trip plus time spent at the library. It's a lovely lunch time activity that I enjoy, and I like the fact that I can walk and not be afraid of getting tired out. I certainly have more endurance than I once did, and its really changing the way I view physical activity. I'm heading to Qld next week to visit friends, and I am looking forward to going to the gym with Bennie and exercising together :) Who would have thought that!!!!

In terms of gym visits, getting there is still a daily struggle, but I'm slowly winning the war. I take it day by day, some days I lose some days I win. The point is I'm still going several times a week, and I'm working my way up to it being a daily thing that I'm not afraid of. Eventually I'll feel more confident to go to classes etc but that will take time. (I have a thing about classes, when they get hard I have a panic attack so I do freak out about classes - it's something I have to work up to!)

5. Who I Am

I'm starting to get a better sense of who I am and I know that sounds wierd - at the end of the day it's just weight I'm losing, but in doing so I am starting to form an identity without it. The weight was a negative thing for sure, but it did stand me apart from others (for all the wrong reasons!) so as I lose the weight, I'm finding I have to redefine who I am and what kind of person I want to be. Soon I'm going to be at a weight nad appearance that will blend into the crowd, which is amazing (I've always said I just wanted to feel normal!!!) but that also means that in that void I have to fill it with something else - something that is me. I've always been loud and outgoing on the outside, but that's not really who I am - that was something I used to hide the pain. Now I have to decide who I am. Am I still loud? Am I still outgoing? Am I shy? Am I private, or an open book. Do I WANT to be an open book anymore? I've already changed a lot on the inside, I've had to put in place some important boundaries that have really change the way I interact with the world, and I've lost friends as a result. I believe that as I move forward I'll figure out who I am, and hopefully that person will be someone other people will want to be around!

It's all such a massive journey, but it's so worth it. Today is nearly 6 months to the day since my surgery date, and I still probably have another 18 months until I go into maintenance. Losing the weight is really just a great side affect, and letting go of food is just the beginning.....

The Cracked Pot....

I have been accused often of being a crack pot, but that's not what I'm referring to here! I read this tonight and could really relate...I'm so grateful that God uses me with all my flaws and that even though I get anxious, and frustrated, and selfish and cranky....He still loves me :) 

The cracked pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his Master’s house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream, “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.”

“Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?”

“I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walked back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots. Don’t be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you, too, can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.

 

!@#$%%

WARNING: this is NOT a happy/funny/light hearted/positive post. I would like to think that most of the time I can manage to be happy and positive and pleasant to be around but I'm only human, and there are days like today when I'm not. If you can't handle that, then tough cos I'm not a robot. If you can, read on.....


I am NOT a happy camper. The last two weeks I have once again plateaued but that believe it or not is NOT the problem.

I am !@#%ING SICK OF FOOD.

I'm sick of smelling it. I'm sick of looking at it. I'm sick of being SICK from it. I'm sick of thinking about it. I'm sick of preparing it. I'm sick of throwing it out. I'm sick of having to rearrange it in my fridge and freezer so I can fit in MORE of it.

I AM SICK OF IT.

And the worst part is, I have no idea what to do now.

Today was my husband's birthday, and as you can imagine my eating was not fantastic. Not entirely over the top, but not fantastic. Breakfast bacon and egg on half an english muffin, lunch was biccies and nibblies with the family, dinner was chinese food. I didn't even manage dessert. I worked REALLY hard to make the day everything he wanted it to be, and he had a good day which is awesome. My in laws came over, bringing soft drink I can't drink (despite REALLY wanting to), pickles we'll throw away in a few months and about 5 cucumbers we have no way in HELL of eating because I'm the only one that eats anything remotely like that and I'd be lucky to use a few slices in a salad once in a while.

So we plough through dinner, and despite it being WAY earlier than I planned and being stinking hot I sat there in my pink cowboy hat and sweated it out in our half finished outdoor area. I ate too fast, and felt ill afterwards. I then had to wait and wait before being able to down fluids, which I am now doing like its going out of fashion because I'm dehydrated, causing me once again to feel bloated and sick but STILL thirsty.

So my weight has stalled, I feel incredibly fat and hot and sweaty, and what's my job for this evening? Cleaning out the refrigerator and throwing OUT all the food that has gone off because I cannot eat it. Gee, that sounds like fun doesn't it. (hear the sarcasm?) Yet another reminder of all the money wasted, of all the failed attempts to find some kind of balance, and all the failures I've had of late.

Why is this so hard? Where has all my resolve gone? I'm so tired all the time I barely make it to the gym once a week because every morning I wake up so so tired that I talk myself out of it, no matter how "on top" of things something always comes along to derail me, my skin is sagging in ALL the wrong places, my head hurts most of the time, and I just feel so incredibly SICK OF IT ALL. And all for what? It's not like i'm going to have a great figure at the end of this. Yes I'll be healthier, and be able to DO more things, but will anyone really care? When does this journey end and when does the fighting and struggling and scratching for every single tiny victory stop? When can I just LIVE??????!!!!!!!!

Right now I just feel like I'm failing at everything I try to do. My job SUCKS because I'm being treated like CRAP but because I swore I wouldn't gossip and bitch this year I can't exactly confide in anyone who understands. And my husband is so wonderful and so supportive but all he gets is a tired, cranky saggy old cow who is so wrapped up in her own little world that she can't give him what he wants. The friends I deeply love and who actually reciprocate I dont quite know how to talk to about all this because THEY dont understand either, and thanks to my plethora of trust issues I'm not that great at opening up to anyone who HAS.

So here I am, pathetically pouring it all out on a blog instead. Easier to talk to something that wont try to problem solve or even talk back.

For anyone who has the misfortune to have read this far, please don't pity me. I've been accused enough in recent months of having a "pity party" when I dare have a bad day. I really have a wonderful life, but right now I'm standing in a forest and all I see is the trees.

Just give me a wave from the daylight above the hole I've dug for myself and say a prayer that it will get better.

The Little Wars.....

One thing that marvels me on a regular basis is how sometimes it's not the BIG things that we war with, it's the tiniest things that we're MEANT to do but don't. I'm perplexed as to why I keep sabotaging myself along this journey - its not that I dont know what I need to do, absolutely I know....things like, drink more water (uggghhhh hate the taste of water!), take benefibre, 2 multi vitamins a day (I'm lucky to get one in!) physical exercise, take my meds....it's so simple!!!! These aren't hard things to do. It doesn't even have a negative impact on my day - in fact in a lot of cases it improves things! I make myself SICK over worrying about big things, but it's the little things that will have a drastic impact long term.

So I fight my little wars. Today I took my multivitamin (uggh) and I just went to the fridge and got my water bottle (blogging just reminded me!) and with a swig of water took my meds. This afternoon I will pack my gym bag for tomorrow morning's session, try and get some benefibre to my afternoon drinks and get to bed early. I fight every single day to try and tick all the boxes, and I dont think there's been a single day yet when I've been able to tick every box and do everything that I'm supposed to do. People say "dont be so hard on yourself, be kind to yourself"and I try - but the reality is I spent close to 10 GRAND for this surgery, and I cannot go back now.

Why is it so hard????

Oh Mother Where Art Thou?

As a married woman of nearly 11 years with no children, motherhood is something that still mystifies me a little bit. Of course, being my age and having been married a while I've long since been through the inevitable "so....when will you start a family?" "Are you thinking about it?" "if you are, what time line?" "Will you do IVF if you can't?" "What about fostering?" "Will you adopt?" - the list is endless!

A beautiful friend of mine posted something on Facebook the other day about time, and I noticed immediately someone else posted about not having any time because they have children - this got me thinking about how defensive we as women can become about motherhood and whether we have time or not. Most women who haven't had children would argue that their time is already pretty stretched, and I would definitely fall into that category - it always feels as if while I'm devoting time to one thing I'm neglecting something else. Kind of a like a juggler who has one more ball in the air then they can handle - you have to drop one, or you risk dropping them all!

Now, if you talk to women who HAVE had one or more children, they of course would argue that as a childless woman they had HEAPS more time then they do with children. And of course I have no doubt that it seems that way - though I'd argue that perhaps its more about a priority SHIFT rather than the addition of more time sucking activities! The defense of our right to choose whether we have children or not is so wrapped up in our identity of being a woman that it's really hard to comfortably sit with either choice. On the one hand you have women who have children. They talk endlessly about first words, first steps, behaviour management, stain removal, craft projects, car pools and soccer games. They wear joggers and sweats and pull their hair back in ponytails and barely manage a touch of lip gloss. They swap recipes, and have a role in society that is easily categorised and accepted. They are the pictures of love, and patience, and have some kind of innate patience that childless women cannot understand. They swirl for me in an aura of importance - in a mist of mothers instinct that somehow they got impregnated with the moment they gave birth - an instinct that I for some unknown reason have never possessed. They know true pain. They are the warriors who worry, pray, clean and cook their way through life and who have to give up certain things in order to pay attention to their children and thereby are left with the vacume of the life unlived - the balls that have to drop.....

Hobbies....plop.......self care......plop......date nights......plop......coffee with friends (dare I say especially with friends who DONT have children).....plop......sense of identity outside of being a mother....plop.....careers......plop......

Then there's the rest of us, those that for whatever reason have not shed the 'fruits of our loins' (ha ha!). We disenfranchised few who hover at the edges of womanhood...even if you're married its impossible to escape the endless questions and the pitying head nods and blanched smiles at the quiet "no, no children" that inevitably follows. Those with children envy our project rooms, our craft activities, our scrapbooking, singing, rehearsals, yoga classes, gym sessions, coffee dates and late night dinners. Our time is, in some contexts, viewed as less valuable than those with blossoming families - after all, a woman with children asking for time off to deal with a sick child, or to spend Christmas with her thriving clan has all the legitimacy in the world.....but take a woman with no children needing time off to tend to a sick friend or spend Christmas with their parents and somehow that is slightly less powerful. More than once I've been at work and have heard someone or other being nominated to go out on a late night job because they dont have children, and it always makes my blood boil just a little. Not because I necessarily disagree that tending to your children should take precedence - I don't - not even a little bit. What I do object to however is the idea of putting someone up for the job JUST because they don't have kids. After all, time is time, whether you have children or not, and we all don't have enough. And, just like women who HAVE children, we have our own balls that drop......

Playdates with friends who DO have kids.....plop.......the laughter and fulfilment that comes with children....plop.....societal expectations.......plop.......mother's groups.......plop......passing on your legacy to the next generation......plop.....preconcieved ideas of the role of a woman.....plop......the unconditional love of a child......plop

It's powerful stuff to think of a life without children. I don't see one or the other choice as better or worse than each other, just really different. Both carry their own regrets, their own sense of loss, their own pros and cons. The reality is I don't know whether I can have children or not. I may not be able to. The jury is still well and truly out - I can't even try for children for another 8+ months. I don't know what set of balls I have to drop yet, and I don't know whether I want to drop either. But inevitably I cannot keep all the balls in the air - either I'll grow too old to have children, or my body will reach a weight where I do fall pregnant, or I'll find out at some point in the future that motherhood will not happen for me.

The only thing I know for sure is that time, like many things, is relative,  and this morning while a saucepan of milk on the stove boiled over while I was trying to make coffee and I was moving my puking cat from the carpet to the tiles and then consequently clean up cat puke from my floor I was reminded yet again that even without children sometimes we just don't have the ability to keep the balls in the air.

So I cleaned up the cat puke, and the boiled over milk, I took a moment to thank God for the fact that I DON'T yet have children, and I accepted the notion that sometimes the balls have to drop. The most important thing is not whether you let things drop, but whether you pick them back up and carry on!