The Gambler...

As a child I was one of those kids that was maddeningly hell bent on dreaming away life....my feet could be practically anywhere at any given moment and guaranteed my head would be somewhere completely different. When I wasn't whiling away the hours dreaming of the future I could be spent in front of our stereo pouring over my parents records.

On one such record, Kenny Rogers would sing "you gotta know when to hold 'em, know when to fold 'em, know when to walk away and know when to run"

I haven't been very good at knowing when to fold, and nowhere is this more true than in my friendships. Over the years the way I've related to others has always been a bit like holding a bar of soap in the shower....I'd old on for dear life and they'd slip through my fingers! Until Brad, my romantic relationships were much the same I'm afraid....but eventually I learned that I didn't have to hold on so tight anymore, and I calmed down. 

Well, I feel like I've begun doing the same with my friendships as well. On this funny journey I'm on the one thing I didn't expect to happen has happened, and with the one person I least expected it to happen with. 

Ok, I'm talking in riddles...

When I started this, one of my first considerations was my very closest and dearest friend. For her own anonymity lets call her Lucy. Lucy and I were as close as close could be, we have a long history. She had only recently considered her own weight loss surgery options and had mentioned this several times to me during conversations. When I made the decision to have gastric sleeve surgery I was tortured because I didn't want her to think that I had made that decision based upon her consideration of such a surgery - I didn't want her to believe I had done this to somehow steal her thunder, or had done it in any way lightly or without due consideration. I wanted her to know that I had made the decision completely on my own, because I had done so. So I waited for a while before telling her. It was a big deal, a really big deal, and I stressed to her at the time how seriously I was taking it all. I told her then that I would be relying upon her support during the journey and would need my best friend very very much. 

Weeks went by, then months. I didn't hear from her, and apart from the occasional conversation or comment on facebook there was basically silence. I went through ankle surgery, and wanted to make a trip up to Qld to visit all my close friends before I had the gastric sleeve surgery. We made plans to meet, and despite her trying to do the usual trick of pulling out at the last minute, and offering me the alternative of driving an extra 2.5 hours to meet her for breakfast (I was rather insulted and told her in no uncertain terms I wouldn't be doing that just because she wanted to break our plans so she then finally caved and honoured her commitment) we met in Brisbane for coffee and shopping. 

I sat her down and told her how hurt I'd been about her silence and her trying to back out of our plans at the last minute, and I reminded her again of my impending surgery and how much I was going through. I told her that I needed to be a little selfish on my own part for a little while, and that I needed above all else to know that she was going to be there for me. I told her I needed her to really BE there, to be in touch and to be involved. I said "you're either on the support Pam train, or you're not". At the time I got "yeah yeah I totally am" but then by the end of our visit she hugged me and said "now if you don't hear from me for a while don't worry, it doesn't mean I'm a bad friend..." Translation - forget everything you said earlier, here's the truth: you won't hear from me for possibly months and months and I am basically asking for a free pass to ditch you right when you need me the most"

I was heart broken. But I kept believing that she'd at LEAST get in touch before the surgery or at the VERY least on the day of the surgery to check I was still alive. I waited, and waited and waited. I didn't seek her out because I was convinced that eventually I'd hear from her. 

Well you can guess what happened next. The surgery date came and went. I went from the beginning of September ( a text message advising me that she'd put me down as a rental reference and during which I reminded her again of my date and location of the surgery and she said she'd mark it on her calendar) all the way through to 25th of December without so much as a word. On Christmas day I got a "merry christmas" on one of my photos - that was the first word I had received. 

I reflected upon this for a while. Granted I didn't reach out to her at all. I didn't make any contact with her for a couple of reasons. The first was that I was absolutely flat out getting ready for the surgery and working through a lot of CRAP emotionally and mentally that was taking up my energy and time. And the second was because I wanted to give her the opportunity to make an effort knowing how important this was for me. Maybe I should have reached out, but I was hurt and I felt like I had always done the reaching out - it was so important to me that just once I stand back and let things happen rather than squeezing that soap so tight. 

When it didn't happen, I was partially not surprised and partially gutted. I had kept defending her in my head, but I couldn't escape the fact that she plain forgot one of the most important things that had ever happened to me in my life, and after I had reminded her over and over. It also made me realise that I had invested WAY more into our friendship than she had, and that it was time to cut my losses. 

So, two days ago, I folded. For the first time in my life, I let go of needing friendships to define who I am, and I blocked her from my facebook. Not just deleted. Blocked. Totally. The real deal. So far she either hasn't noticed or doesn't care but that's not the point. I didn't do it to be nasty or vindictive. I did it to prove to myself that I don't need ANYONE to validate me. I did it because it was a toxic relationship that continuously hurt me and dissappointed me because she couldn't give me what I needed. It was time to let go and move on because I am ok on my own. 

I wish her well, I truly do. I hope she finds all she wants out of life and that God blesses her abundantly. Perhaps one day we'll reconnect again, and perhaps we wont. Whatever happens will be totally ok. All I know is that 2015 will be the year I require more of those I let into my life because that's what I deserve. And I will no longer settle for anything less than quality friendships that are reciprocal, mutual and equal because I don't need other people to make me worth it. I'm already worth it.

In a way I guess I'm taking a gamble on myself. The difference is, an investment in myself is like holding all the cards at once. I just can't lose. 

The Sleeved Life....

So, the last couple of weeks have been really full on work wise, but I'm pleased to say that my outlook on things have improved somewhat. Its been hard to push myself into all these changes, changes in eating, exercising, recording everything, trying to get enough fluids, tracking everything, plus then work went absolutely ballistic - and to top it all off I got ambushed at work 5 minus before I had my first psychologist appointment and I spent hte majority of my first appointment bawling my eyes out to this woman I dont even know and whinging about work - not exactly what I wanted to be doing. I WANTED to be talking about my surgery and food issues, but instead there I was having a sooky sooky la la because I felt like I'd been bullied at work. Ahh the best laid plans.....

I've also made a decision to not look at the scales - I mean at ALL. I get weighed at the dietician and I let him record it and that's it. I told him I dont want to know - if there's a problem I'm sure he'll tell me, but until then I'm just not going to look at the numbers because every time I do I get depressed and end up in tears. There's been a LOT of tears lately I'm afraid.

But I did learn something about myself lately. I learned that I dont have to apologise for who I am anymore. Yeah, I have faults (shocking I know) and yes I'm loud and emotional, and I run hot and cold sometimes because I have an anxiety disorder to content with, I get overwhelmed, I drop the balls occasionally, and I can be selfish. But I am also kind, and soft hearted, and forgiving. I am strong in ways I didn't even realise. I have insight, I can be empathetic towards other people and put myself in their shoes, and I have something valuable to contribute. I am starting to lose weight, and it's starting to show - people are noticing and I am starting to gain a little onfidence in myself as someone who is worth knowing.

I'm not getting a big head or anything, after all there's a lot about me that's hard to swallow at times. But when I was confronted with someone very forceful laying out what they thought was wrong with me I was tempted to take it on board....but eventually I realised (after a few tears) that if she has a problem with me, and who I am - that's HER problem not mine. And all of a sudden, things fell into perspective. I dont have to apologise, I have nothing to apologise for. You either accept me for me, or move it along. I deserve nothing less.

I haven't been to the gym at all this week cept for Sunday and I know that's got to change. I'm working on a long list of things I want to change in my life, to make it easier for me to be healthy and adopt good habits. I am only now starting to fully wrap my head around food, and I still at this stage feel like I have very limited options as to what I can eat. I'm sure that will change in time, just right now I still have to be very careful and be sure to stop when I'm getting full. That's sometimes really hard to judge, but I'm getting better.

So, dont ask me what I weigh, I dont have a clue. Dont ask me what my measurements are I haven't taken them in ages. All I know is that I'm starting to get rid of clothes, favourite clothes, clothes that used to fit just fine, and I've had lots of people say that I'm losing weight. I can even see it myself in some photos. I know I'm doing the right things, and I'm trying really hard to adopt a better lifestyle. That's all I can really do at this point.

As for the rest.....if you build it, it will come....

Food Diary

I've been really slack lately and I haven't been taking pics of my food lately....but here's what I had today

A few glasses of cordial
1/2 sugar free powerade
1/2 cup tuna casserole
1/2 a seafood salad wrap (wholegrain tortilla bread cut in half, wrapped around shredded baby spinach, cubed cucumber, cherry tomatos, spanish onion, sliced seafood flakes and diced prawns with low fat mayo and a little chilli mayo and thousand island dressing for a kick)
1 cheese stick
1 skim milk coffee with 1 square organic dark chocoate
bbq chicken meat, one slice of baked potato and a few bits of some steamed veggies

I'm always amazed when I type it out, cos it looks like a lot, but in reality its incredible how little I live on these days and how small my portions are to keep me satisfied. There's something incredibly satisfying about stopping a meal only a few bites in and realising I'm full - I actually really enjoy that. I really dont need very much at all to feel full, and any time I get worried I'm eating too much all it takes is a few bits for me to realise that i'm already full!

On the exercise front I'm trying all sorts of different things to see what works for me. Last week I did a boxing class and was in a world of hurt the next day - wont be trying that again until I'm a bit further along! I went to my second aqua zumba class today, and this coming week I'll be trying body balance and body pump along with a coupe of days of cardio. I am seeing my doctor a week from Monday and I'll ask him for a referral to a sports physiologist to develop a weights program for me to do alongside the cardio. Basically what I'm aiming for at this stage of the game is consistent exercise across a range of disciplines to help with overall strength, endurance, weight loss and toning. I figure if I stick with activities I enjoy then I'm more likely to keep doing them and less likely to slacken off or make excuses. At least thats the plan.

So here's my plan for tomorrow:

30 mins cardio in the am
mango protein shake for breakfast
yogurt and fruit for morning tea
Chinese chicken and vegetables for lunch
cheese stick in the afternoon
Chicken and veg for dinner

Of course, the best laid plans and all that!

Food Diary Entry

So, day two of me tracking everything and I'm pleased to say I've once again had a successful day - I haven't felt uncomfortable or sick at all today although I haven't really had my three normal meals I'd have usually - i went for a long stretch without eating anything!

Here's a break down :)

I piece of cheese before I hit Aqua Zumba - 9.15am

250 mls water

11.30am 1/2 instant coffee with a little milk and 1 sugar

3.30pm icy pole

5pm 1/2 cup spicy prawn salad (baby spinach tomato cucumber fetta cheese prawns thousand island dressing and chilli mayo)

250mls diet iced tea

7.45pm steak bacon and potato chunky soup - did not finish

This is what was left....

1 small skim milk coffee with sugar and 1 square of organic dark chocolate 9:30

And a gratuitious kitty shot......

Just cos I can.....

Food Diary Entry....

So, this week has been really really hard, and I wont go into details as to why. But, to combat my struggles, I thought occasionally I would post a food diary entry to give an idea about what I'm eating - it will also help me when I go to the nutritionist :)

So here's todays :)

250 mls water

10:00am
1 Small skinny latte
1 stiny sliver of watermelon fudge

12:00-2:30pm - 1 glass of diet iced tea

12:30pm
1 Vegetable pattie (cheese stick pictured but not eaten)

3:38pm-4:00pm
2 Cheerios skinned and 2 tsps of potato salad

5pm cheese stick

6.30 1 glass of sarsparella cordial

8.20pm 4 potato wedges

9.00 1 icy pole


It seems like a lot when you write it down on paper, but by no means have I felt once today like I've eaten too much, or been overfull, or even eaten too quickly. I finally feel like today I got it right, I'm just hoping I can keep it up! My only criticism is there's probably too many carbs and not enough protein - I had planned on having fish for dinner but unfortunately my stomach has had a bit of a melt down and I just couldn't handle it. Tomorrow I'm sure will be better :)

My Treadmill Tunes

Ok so I've been compiling a list of songs with a good beat for walking on the treadmill since I'm going to be doing a lot of that :) Here's what I have so far :)

Get Lucky - Daft Punk
Live your life - Mika
Stronger - Kelly Clarkson
One step at a Time - Jordan Sparks
Only wanna be with You - Hootie and the Blowfish
Little Miss Can't be Wrong - Spin Doctors
Happy - Pharell Williams
Shake it Off - Taylor Swift
I Smile - Kirk Franklin
Two Princes - Spin Doctors
I Want you Back - Jackson 5
Labels or Love - Jennifer Hudson
New York New York - Ryan Adams
Problem - Ariana Grande
Raise Your Glass - Pink
All Dressed in Love - Jennifer Hudson
ABC - Jackson 5
Bootylicious - Destiny's Child
Man in the Mirror - Michael Jackson
Today My Life Begins - Bruno Mars
Blame it on the Boogie - Michael Jackson
Black or White - Michael Jackson
Don't Stop til you Get Enough - Michael Jackson
In the End - Linkin Park
Beat It - Michael Jackson
Wanna be Startin Something - Michael Jackson
Somewhere I Belong - Linkin Park
Troublemaker - Olly Murs
For Once In my Life - Stevie Wonder
All About the Bass - Meghan Trainor
Live Louder - Nathaniel
Eye of the Tiger - Scorpions
Signed Sealed Delivered (I'm Yours) - Stevie Wonder
Yeah - Usher
G.R.L - Ugly Heart

The other song I briefly considered was Jessie J, Ariana Grande, Nicki Minaj - Bang Bang but I just couldn't bring myself to do it on principle! 

I probably should note that this is by no means a collection of my favourite songs - you'll note there's no Garth Brooks on there so it's just not possible! This is only a collection of my treadmill friendly songs!! :) 

Happy treadmill trails! 

Halloween Scare *graphic warning - if your stomach turns easily you may not want to read this*

So, yesterday was the incredibly evil celebration of Halloween - I have very strong views on this particular tradition, much like I do on Santa (lets just say being able to spell Satan using the same letters is not coincidence!) - anyways, the neighbourhood kids were all ghouled up as per the american tradition of trick or treating and meanwhile I was recovering from a scare of my own....

I made a very crucial mistake. I ate lunch (a tiny piece of fish and a few soft oven cooked potato pieces) at my desk and kind of forgot that I'm a sleever. At first it was just a little uncomfortable, and I figured perhaps I'd eaten too much (I really hadnt, but that was my initial reaction...)

Then the pain really kicked in, and I began to panic. The day before I'd done something similar but after a few minutes it passed, so I waited. And waited. And waited. But nothing. No movement, no relief, nothing. I didn't know what to do. My nose started to run uncontrollably and crap started pouring down the back of my throat. It felt like my whole lunch was stuck inside my chest and I could barely breathe. My colleague suggested I go for a walk, so up I get and off I toddle down the hallway trying to smile and look normal while feeling like I had a baseball lodged in my chest.

I made it as far as the bathroom before realising I should probably go in - just in case. I paced around for a while, clutching at my chest and praying not to throw up. Just before I decided to go back out I lent over the toilet and.....

Well, it wasn't really throwing up per say, cos there was no food in it. It was all the crap that had gone down the back of my throat. I found out later that there's a word for this phenomena....it is.....


Wait for it.....


SLIMING. Yup, akin to the little green blob from Ghostbusters! LOL This was pointed out to me by my beautiful mate and I did some research and yup that's what happened - text book sliming. And it really is as gross as it sounds.

I felt a bit better so I went back to my desk, but in a moment I was heading back to the bathroom and there I go again for a second round.....uuugghhh.

It occurred to me soon after that having these kinds of episodes would be very damaging to my new stomach, so I vowed then and there that I'd never eat a meal at my desk again - I just cannot risk stretching my new stomach and undoing all my good work!!! So today I've been eating extremely slowly, even my snacks, being very careful to listen to my stomach and not over eat (not that I think I did yesterday but just to make sure).

My goal for this week was to go to the gym every week day and walk on the treadmill - I managed 4/5 days because of the aforementioned episode...my stomach hadn't quite settled by the end of my work day and I figured the best thing to do would be to go home and rest a little. Which I'm pleased to say I did :)

So, there you have it - lesson learnt. Sometimes the scariest things are not outside your front door, but rather the old habits and tendencies we have already in our own heads!