The Final Countdown....

Well, its 7:10pm on the evening of the final countdown - I have a roast chook in the oven, hubbie is on his way home from the footy, and I am gearing up for my final "meal" before my surgery. Tomorrow I'll be time minus 21 days.

Tomorrow I'm also driving to Sydney for my dietician and psychologist appointments at the O Clinic. I'm a bit nervous about driving on like, no food, but I figure I'll have a shake in the morning, and take some bars with me, and I'll grab a second shake later on by taking a bottle and getting a water on the way home. Got to be a little creative for this I reckon!

Tomorrow night I will likely try, and I do mean TRY, one of the soups, and if that doesn't work I'll stir fry some veg and perhaps make a pudding :) I'd say by Tuesday morning I will be either feeling ok or feeling really really awful - I guess we'll see.

I also will need to start taking photos and measurements. I keep putting it off I guess because I'm still in a bit of denial that I'm so close now. Today I spent the day hanging out at home, getting housework done and slothing around. I made spaghetti just like my mother used to make me for lunch, and I'm sipping a glass of port. I haven't held back today with food, because I figure I might as well enjoy my last day.

I've been thinking a lot today about letting go - letting go of my past, my weight, and in a way myself. Being the fat kid has been a massive part of my life, my identity, and letting that go is going to be pretty hard. My weight is so wrapped up in the abuse I suffered as a child that I've been triggered pretty hugely even in the preparation for this change. I've been having dreams, not bad dreams, just dreams where in it I'm at varying ages of childhood. I've also been having flash backs, things that my husband has said or done that have triggered me and made me react.

When I look in the mirror, I see the fat kid. By going through this process I'm wiping away my last link, my last sign, my last reminder of all that was done to me, of all that my father robbed from me. That's both an incredibly empowering and sobering thought. It feels like a death, like my weight has been sort of a badge I've been carrying around with me all this time. Like I've been able to point at my rolls and say "look! look at this! look at what he did to me!" and once that's gone I'll have nothing left. But of course that causes me to ask why the HELL would I want a reminder?? Why would I want to hold on to that garbage?

I don't have an answer for that. It seems ludicrous to me that I would even CONSIDER keeping that kind of association with me. I guess the unknown is always scary - always intimidating. No matter how exciting the journey is, it's also an unknown entity and there in lies the rub. Just like a wise man once said...

I have the gorgeous support group (two of which are actually doing optifast for the whole three weeks WITH ME and one whose getting sleeved as well), I have enough optifast to get me started, and I believe I have the willpower and brute stubborness to see this through.

Let the journey begin!

Dearly Beloved - we are gathered here today to mourn the loss...

Last night I had the most AMAZING "last dinner' aka "food funeral" with my gorgeous support people who are there for me through this journey. I still have another week to go before opti kicks in full time but I wanted to have my big blow out and then wind down to the inevitable! I had the most beautiful night, and it was so freeing to talk about the surgery openly without worrying about who was hearing me or having to be "hush hush" about it :) We went to Hogsbreath Cafe and had the whole back room to ourselves so we laughed and joked and carried on. I even tried a "hogerita" (a frozen maguerita) which was amazzzinnggg! 

I didn't take a picture of my main meal, such was my excitement, but I couldn't resist snapping a cheeky pic of dessert!!!! My gorgeous friend Carrie gave me flowers from her garden, and my number one support pal Ros gave me a huge pot plant to "nurture" on my journey and home made "L" plates - since I'm a learner sleever!!!!! 

I am touched and buoyed by the support and love I'm getting from those who are there for me right now, and I really can't wait to live up to their expectations as much as my own. 

Feeling so loved :)

Optifast with a side of...bitterness???

Today was a little dissappointing, in more ways than one. I had my first hydrotherapy today for my ankle (had ankle surgery in May) so I thought since I was going to be on the go so to speak I would have a shake for breakfast and a cappucino bar for morning tea - I had heard that the cappucino bars were WAAYYY tastier than the chocolate ones so I hedged my bets and bought a box.

Hydrotherapy was good and I was happy enough to sip on my strawberry shake all the way to work. As usual I only got to around 10am before I was famished, so I grabbed my cappucino bar with much anticipation....and was bitterly dissappointed!!! To me it was a gritty, sickly sweet, yet bitter mess - not happy! I couldn't even finish the thing I've still got at least a third sitting in my lunch box. I white knuckled it through to 1pm and then sat down to eat my lunch with great relief and yet with real true panic - how will I ever get through this when all I can think about while on opti is "how long til I get to eat real food?" it makes me really scared that I'll spend three weeks of HELL trying to go through this and that I'll fail.

To top it all off, all anyone could talk about at work today was the goodbye gathering they were having tonight for one of the "in" crowd at work - you know the type, blonde, blue eyed, has all these "beautiful people" friends who wont even give me the time of day....a real piece of work. But get this, she's going on HOLIDAYS - yup, four months in the UK - she's FREAKING COMING BACK, yet they have to have a "Bon Voyage" thing for her???? When I pointed out she was only going on holidays the response was "yeah but its for four months - she could meet someone over there and not come back" - I went on workcover leave for ankle surgery back in May and I could have ended up DEAD but I didn't get so much as a "see ya" when I left the building!!!!!! I didn't even get flowers - nothing - yet she gets a freaking party????

When I first met her we were on training in Sydney, and she latched on to me because she didn't recognise anyone else there - of course the minute we landed back in the office I was persona non grata and I have been that ever since because I'm neither blonde or skinny or interested in going "out" and getting smashed....*rolls eyes* The reality is, the party is only an opportunity for them to get drunk (like they need an excuse?) and soooo not something I'm interested in - but it just hurts that yet again because I'm not in the "clique" I'm treated like dirt. I dont brown nose, I don't palaver, and I don't suck up - I'm not interested in my social life being from work because I'd rather develop real friendships with people who ARE real - not fake hangers on who are only out for themselves. I can't see that changing post surgery, but I know that one day soon they'll all be saying how much weight I've lost and then it will be kind of hard not to get swept up in being accepted. I just hope I can remember how rejected, hurt and injured I feel right now. I want to be like one of my favourite animals, the elephant, and never forget.

The only shining light in all of this is that on Sunday I'm having my OWN shindig, and the important people who are supportive of me and my upcoming surgery will all be there - we're going to Hogsbreath Cafe for my "food funeral" :) :) I'm grateful that I have real friends who are there for me no matter what - WHEN I get through this, it will be because of them.

Sharing the Self Love

Today I got prettied up for coffee with "the girls" - friends I haven't seen in months, but who I dont really know well enough to "go daggy" as I do with some!

I've noticed lately that since this whole surgery thing has become more real for me I've experienced a strange increase in the confidence I feel within myself - like all of a sudden I don't HATE what I see in the mirror anymore. Years and years of self loathing, and all of a sudden I dont think I look so bad. In fact I think I have quite nice features sometimes. Today I even liked my hair :)

It's funny how the minute this whole journey became NOT about cute clothes or looking conventionally attractive was the same minute I realised that I might just be kinda cute just the way I am! Unhealthy and still in need of change....but cute :)

Or perhaps I'm just getting older. Either way I am enjoying this new comfort I have found within my own skin. I just look forward to seeing LESS of my own skin pretty soon :) :)

The Rant.....

Here's a post I shared on a support forum I've been frequenting.....

I haven't been a member of this site very long, and I am still in the preparation stages of my journey, but I have something I want to say really really loud....


When famous movie star Angelia Jolie publicized her genetic battle with breast cancer and later revealed she chose to have a double mastectomy in order to prolong her chances at life, the world applauded. Women and men alike shouted from the roof tops about how brave and courageous she was, not just for having it done but for publicizing it. They went so far as to say she had undoubtedly saved lives by bringing public awareness to cancer not just breast cancer but all types of cancer by sharing her story.

And I agreed with them....I don't deny that by being honest with the world she definitely brought a new found awareness and perhaps acceptance of this kind of procedure. She made the choice to live, and that was very brave.

But you know what really makes me angry?? There is NO DIFFERENCE between what Angelina Jolie did and what we are choosing to do. Yes they're different procedures involving different body parts, but the consequences, rammifications and long lasting effects are the same. Think about it.....she didn't HAVE cancer, she had an increased RISK of cancer. She chose to give up part of herself in order to prolong her life because of a genetic pre disposition to cancer. She made the choice because when weighing up the options she decided she wanted to stick around. She would have thought about the impact upon her intimate life, her inability to breast feed, the hit on her self esteem and she made the choice to live rather than hold those things as more important then her life.

When I sat in my surgeon's office and he told me that if I didn't have gastric sleeve surgery I wouldn't live to 50 yrs, I had a moment. A real, honest to God, life changing moment. It was like someone had told me that I had a genetic predisposition to cancer - but worse.....instead of it being an increased RISK of illness and death, it was a certainty. I would die if nothing changed. And I made a choice. I made the choice that I wasn't going to let my disposition to obesity define me anymore. I was going to face this head on and fore go and pleasure I may have derived from over eating in my short life for a chance at a longer one.

And yet, I keep it a secret. Why? Because there's an unfair stigma around WLS...instead of being hailed heroes for making the choice, we are shunned because we're "taking the easy way out" - REALLY? Was Angelina Jolie taking the easy way out by having a mastectomy instead of going through chemo???

To every single person on this site, especially to my fellow sleevers I leave you this message....

If there has been no one yet to tell you, let me be the first to look you square in the eye and tell you from my heart to yours - you are INCREDIBLY brave. You are inspirational. What you are doing takes an AMAZING amount of courage. And if the support people around you are not telling you that on a regular basis then you need better support people because its the truth. 

It's a private decision. I'm not suggesting we shout it from the rooftops - we're not public figures, and we dont have to deal with media or public perception on a grand scale. But if you're hiding it out of shame, DON'T. There is NOTHING shameful about deciding to be healthy and living a longer life. One day the world will catch up, but until then never EVER feel ashamed that you decided to take back your life.

End rant. Thanks for listening :)

*Sigh*

I'm going to miss bourbon......


I swear I'm not an alcoholic.....I drink very little but I do OH SO love to have a half strength bourbon and cola at the end of a long day.......

And I'm REALLLLLLYYY gonna miss that.

I know that it's empty calories, I know that its full of sugar blah blah can't have it blah....

I am just gonna miss it.

That's all.

My Plan - Weight Loss Bible Study

So I've started a weight loss bible study specially designed for people who have issues with food (aka ME!) and last night I did the first study which was basically to put together a plan of what I'm going to do. Obviously there's three different scenarios, right now, pre op and post op.

Here's the plan for right now:

My Boundaries (Phase 1)

My goal is to prepare myself for the regime pre and post op by stretching my endurance, elongating the periods I can go without food, and acclimatising myself to the foods I will be allowed to have post surgery.

a) I will have at least one meal replaced by optifast per day (usually breakfast) followed by a period of fasting from all foods (until at least 1pm)
b) I will maintain a high protein, low carb diet
c) I will limit my intake of bread to two slices per day
d) I will phase out all non approved fluids and only drink the fluids allowed to me

How much?
a) I will only eat whole, healthy foods and limit processed foods as much as possible
b) I will only have take out foods once per week
c) I will take my lunch to work each day and make a point of phasing out all junk food, choosing healthy options for snacks etc
d) I will drink 2 litres of water per day


Here's the plan pre op (aka three weeks leading up to surgery):

My Boundaries (Phase 2)

Eating is not a sin. However, eating unhealthily, eating too much, or eating outside of the guidelines assigned to me by my dietician is. Therefore:

a) I will only eat when I am allowed to eat
b) I will only eat when I am genuinely hungry
c) I will only eat what I am allowed to eat according to my dietician (aka opti and approved foods)
d) I will only drink approved fluids

How much?
a) I will only eat what is good and healthy and necessary to sustain me
b) I will only eat according to the guidelines provided to me (3-4 optis, approved vegetables, low joule jelly and approved fluids per day).


Here's the plan post op (post surgery and beyond)

My plan will be to follow strictly all guidelines provided to me by my dietician. I will not deviate from these guidelines, and I will after a time begin to integrate 5 hours per week (1 hour per day) of exercise into my plan also.

a) I will eat small meals often only when I am genuinely hungry
b) I will only eat what I am allowed to eat according to my dietician
c) I will exercise 1 hour per day (when I am allowed to)
d) I will take benefibre daily, a multivitamin daily and I will consume the appropriate amount of water
e) I will use the plate and bowl for every meal and I will stick strictly to the guidelines regarding fluids and portion sizes
f) I will take at least 45 minutes to 1 hour to eat each meal and I will take small bites in doing so

My Secondary Boundary
I will eat all meals at the table without distraction and I will pay mindful attention to what I am eating and how I am eating.

My Role Vs God's Role

Verse                            My Role                                                     God's Role
Romans 12:2                 To renew my mind                                      He will transform me                                                                                                                                            
John 8:31-32                 I must hold to God's teachings                    He will make me a disciple and set me                                                                                                          free from my bondage to food  
John 15:4-5                   I am to remain in God                                He will be with me and make me                                                                                                                 fruitful
John 17:17                    I am to believe and obey God's word         He will sanctify me

2 Corinthians 10:3-5     I am to take captive every thought               God's power will win

I have the assurance that if God is with me, I cannot fail. When I am fearful of failure, when I read stories of others who have not succeeded in keeping the weight off, I will remind myself of God's ability to sustain me and make me successful. I want to be an example to others of God's strength, and in order for me to do the work that God has set out for me I have to be healthy, fit and strong. God wants me to be healthy, he designed for me to be healthy, and He CAN make it so if I am willing to do the work. In my own strength, I will surely fail. In God's strength I can be nothing but victorious.