It's been a while!

Well, this may be my last blog on here for a while, so I better make it a good one! As you can tell it's been quite some time since i've written, not necessarily because I haven't had anything to say, but more because things have changed so quickly it's hard to keep up! Gears have shifted quite dramatically over the past few months, and going through the transition from hefty weight loss to more a maintenance phase has been a very difficult thing for me. In fact, I'd say the journey is more scary NOW than it was in the beginning, because the reality is, now i have to employ all the things I have learnt and go forth into the world no longer a newbie to this but instead having more food choices and MAKING the right ones. It's easy to make good choices when your body won't really let you make anything else - but when the
options once again start opening up to you, and your body starts wanting a little more in the way of volume of food, thats when things get a little dangerous. I've so gotten used to all the doors being closed that opening them up even a little bit is absolutely terrifying.

The problem is, I also have to start increasing my caloric intake just to live. You can only live on 850 calories a day for so long, and at some point your body starts breaking down if you don't up the anti. That's been really hard for me. I've gotten up to around 1100-1200 per day on a good day, which is both a relief and a dissappointment - a relief because it means I'm getting closer to what my dietician wants to do, and a disappointment because emotionally I feel like I was happier and felt more in control at 850! I have to trust that my dietician knows what I'm doing, so I'm trying very hard to follow his advice.

On the 29th of September I reached my 12 month "Sleeversary" - on the day I went out for coffee with a friend at lunch time, and the following weekend I held a high tea for some of my closest supporters - I wanted to thank them for everything they've done to encourage me and support me on my weight loss journey. As of today I now weigh 85.7kgs - a total weight loss of 62.9 kgs. I'm not where I want to be just yet, but I'm certainly a LOT closer than I used to be! I now buy clothing in a size 16 (unheard of for me this time last year!) I can buy clothes from most of the stores in town, big or small, and I've had to rekit out my wardrobe for work because everything I used to wear no longer fits. I no longer own any clothing from my old life - and in fact I'm about to start getting rid of clothing that I only bought a matter of months ago because it's also too big! My aim at this point is to portray at work a more professional, put together look - classic with a touch of colour - mainly because I want to be taken seriously and I've realised that wearing jeans and t s

hirts is probably not going to help me achieve that. Also, its a case of now I CAN wear the things I've always dreamt of wearing, so why not? Black pants and beautiful soft fabrics, statement necklaces and sandals, professional and understated :) I'm going for a very classic look, and the good thing is I'll be able to whack a coat over the top and wear the same things winter or summer :) I also want to create a work wardrobe that is JUST for work - completely exclusive from what I wear outside of work. It's important to me that I have a physical representation of the mental separation I have to have between my home life and my work life.

I continue to struggle with exercise, and I expect I always will - it's an aspect of this journey that unfortunately hasn't really improved from day one, because the truth is I just dont like it - I always feel better AFTER but I don't enjoy it, and I can't say I expect to ever enjoy it. But that's ok, going 4 times a week means its at most 40 mins out of my day, and surely I spend more time in a week on housework that I hate as well so there's not a whole lot of difference. It's just the struggle in my head that I deal with, and probably will always have to wage war against my head that gives a million excuses to NOT go.

The only other thing I wanted to say was the wonderful ways God allows me to pay it forward - there's a lovely girl who serves me at my favourite dress shop who is just beginning this journey, and I've been able to offer my support to her as she prepares to start on this road and that perhaps is the most gratifying thing that's happened in this recently. I am keenly aware of the people who have held me up throughout the first 12 months post op, and getting the chance to reach out and help someone else makes it all worth it. It's extraordinary to me that sitting here today in my size 16 denim shorts I am a mere shadow physically of the person I was 12 months ago - and I am absolutely determined to continue on this journey for a long time to come yet.

I will still pop in occasionally, updating you all on my struggles and triumphs. So far I've achieved a few milestones, most noteably buying size 16 clothing, flying without a seatbelt extension, using an upright bike at the gym, regularly even GOING
to the gym, walking every day at lunch time and losing 60+ kilos. My eventual goal is around 80kgs or even just under, but I cannot say I'm too obsessed with that right now - I'm more interested in how clothing is fitting me, whether I'm doing the exercise I need to, and whether I'm eating right. The balance between eating enough and too much seems no more than a knifes edge to me, although I'm sure the science is not as exact as that, but trying to strike that balance is where my focus lies now. Going into the Christmas period is a dangerous time for anyone trying to lose weight, and no less so for someone trying to UP the calories but in a controlled healthy manner. I pray so ardently that I can keep doing what I've been doing, being honest with myself and not letting incidental eating and "picking" get on top of me.

I really hope there's someone out there who reads this blog and gets something out of it - for me, this journey has been all about finding myself. I'm not there yet, but I'm definitely committed to figuring out who I am now WITHOUT the weight - which is a challenge in itself! What I do know is that I have more strength, determination, dedication and heart than I knew - I'm more committed than I knew - and I'm a truly good person with a good heart. I deserve to have people in my life who support me and love me for me, and I know better than ever before who those people are, and who they aren't. I hope I never forget that important lesson, which has been perhaps the most important of all. God inte
nds for me to live a good life, a healthy life, and that life for me has only just begun!

Until my next update!

Reflections....

Its late at night and I'm feeling reflective - so I blog, as we 21 centurians tend to do these days! Why write in a diary that no one will ever read when you can post it on the internet and expose your innermost secrets to the world right??

Well, I digress - and besides, I dont ever blog secrets - that would be silly!

The last few weeks have been really hectic, and kind of up and down. Mostly up, but with a few downers. The first was work, uuggghh has been really full on. The second - I found out I have permanent nerve damage in my ankle. That's ok I guess, but it does get me down a bit because it means I'll always have numbness and tingling in my ankle and that sucks. Plus it might prevent me from doing things later on that I want to do, so that's pretty sucky too! For now though, I'm ok, and still able to go to the gym and go walking and stuff.

Speaking of the gym, I've been totally slack this week! I was meant to go this arvo, but forgot my pass so instead I came home. Vowing to go tomorrow though!

Things at home have been great, we've finally bought some furniture we've been eyeing off for ages and it's nice to be meeting those goals nad feeling like you're progressing somewhat :)

In terms of weight loss, I have hit and surpassed the 50 kilo mark now. 50 kilos. Doesn't even seem real! I feel like one minute I was AGES away from my goal, and now all of a sudden its within some degree of reach. I have to keep reminding me that its going to slow, its not always going to drop off like this, and really it should have already slowed down - but for whatever reason things have clocked along the last week or so and it's been great :) My brain still cannot really wrap around the idea that I am now barrelling down the road towards normalcy! Being NORMAL is so completely not normal! Walking down the street, I have to keep reminding myself that I look NORMAL now, I don't look like a freak anymore! When I say I still want to lose another 10-15 kgs, that's not a freakish amount now! That's NORMAL. And it feels amazing!

Emotionally I have been up and down a lot. I have been struggling with new obsessions, obsessing over calories, tracking my calories, what I eat, not eating too much - I've become a bit of a nazi, only eating what I've already counted and measured. The problem with this is that if I become too obsessive with it I've really just swapped an obsession with food with an obsession for restricting food. I know my husband worries about this, and frankly I do a little too. So, we've come up with a plan. One day a week I dont track. Today was my non tracking day. I did ok, it felt weird not taking note of every bite, and in reality I was doing the math in my head to make sure roughly that I wouldn't go over. Even now I'm sitting here very tempted to input everything into the app just to be certain - but I can't do that. I promised him I wouldn't. Gotta break the habit somehow right?

I was thinking this morning about the little things that have changed - things like what I drink. I used to be obsessed with soft drink. I'd drink it all day every day. Mainly coke zero but at times coke, lemonade, whatever. After the first 5 months post op I tentatively tried the lightly sparkling spring water that's lightly flavoured - I didn't mind it, and occasionally I still enjoy a glass or two, but I dont even drink that regularly. I didn't like how bloated it made me feel. Now days I drink flavoured water that's not even carbonated. Or tea. Or Coffee. That's about it really. I was really into diet iced tea when the weather was warm, and I'll probably go back to that again next summer, but that's it really. And I dont even miss it! In fact I think soft drink would make me sick now.

I like to remind myself of the changes that have happened - it comforts me to know that life REALLY has changed, and that I've made changes. My greatest fear is that I haven't made enough changes to prevent me from slipping back into old habits later on. While I know I have to be kind to myself, and I know that I cannot beat myself up when I slip like today, I also know that I have to be careful and do what I gotta do consistently over time to get the results I want. I do feel like I've learnt a lot about myself, and about how much strength and determination I have. I have fully embraced what being a sleever is - it's not all of who I am but it's now a part of who I am. It's such a central part of my routine, of my day, of every decision I make that it's hard to separate myself from that aspect of myself. But the truth is, there will come a day, in the hopefully not too distant future, when I graduate from being a sleever to just being me. On that day, it will become about maintenance rather than about weight loss. The focus will be on health rather than numbers. Sometimes I wish that time was now. Other times I am terrified about that day. The numbers are a double edged sword - on the negative side they are not the whole picture, they're a veryyyy small part of what's happening to me, but on the negative side they are tangible, translatable, understandable to others - I cannot adequately express what is happening to me on the inside, but I can say I've lost over 50 kgs and ppl get that - the magnitude of that is instantly understood. It's nice to have the numbers, but relying upon them too much and becoming too focused on them is a dangerous game to play because on the weeks when the numbers dont change there are still HEAPS of changes happening on the inside.

I've rambled on long enough no doubt. It's an interesting journey, I still cant believe I'm on it really! Hard to even believe I went through with it sometimes. I'm really proud of myself, and I'm determined to continue in the right direction. With me, it's all or nothing - and for the first time when it comes to my weight issues, I'm in for all!

An update...

Hi All!

I've been really silent for a while now...sorry about that! Life has been busy, full of ups and downs and happiness and sadness on this crazy journey! I started looking back at my old blog posts and MAN have I come a long way since I started writing!!!! I've had quite a few milestones since I last wrote, so let me share a few :) Just a reminder, this was the list of things I was looking forward to BEFORE the surgery that I posted on 21 September 2014:

April 2014 - Pre Op

1. I look forward to being a very cheap date! (and a very cheap drunk!)
2. I look forward to living my life free from obsessing about food (eventually!)
3. I look forward to looking in the mirror and being happy about what I see
4. I look forward to costume fittings without being worried about finding something that will fit
5. I look forward to shopping at the FRONT of clothing stores rather than at the "plus size" section
6. I look forward to going to the cinema and fitting comfortably in the seats
7. I look forward to flying without asking for a seat extension and not worrying about how much I'll encroach on someone sitting next to me

September 29 2014 - a few hours post op

8. I look forward to taking my doggie for walks very very often and not dreading it
9. I look forward to bushwalking with my husband
10. I look forward to many other things with my husband!!!! ;)
11. I look forward to strutting my stuff on stage in many TMS shows (in lots of fab parts that aren't "fat" parts)
12. I look forward to having children and running around after children!
13. I look forward to being 51 yrs old, and 52 yrs old and 53 yrs old, and 54 yrs old......
14. I look forward to b!@#s at work who wouldn't give me the time of day all of a sudden saying how great I look - and me promptly brushing them off for the ppl who were always there for me
15. I look forward to making new friends at bootcamps and gym classes and playing sports (even though I'm totally unco!)

About to leave the hospital 3 days post op

16. I look forward to the day when all the family members who ditched me realised that they completely missed out
17. I look forward to going to my 20 year high school reunion (if we have one) looking AMAAZINNGG
18. I look forward to eating real food again (in smaller doses)
19. I look forward to the day I reach my goal weight
20. I look forward to the day when I stand in front of that awful psychologist and give her the finger for telling me that I'm too emotionally messed up to have this surgery!

Ok, so lets have a look and see what I've been able to enjoy so far :)

- I look forward to being a very cheap date! (and a very cheap drunk!)
I've decided I've given up alcohol forever, so the drunk part won't happen again. However, I have eaten out several times and I always enjoy it so much more now because the focus is not on the food. I have a tendency to eat too fast in social sociations so I have to consciously slow down but other than that eating out is a pleasure :)

- I look forward to looking in the mirror and being happy about what I see
Believe it or not, at 98.8kgs I am already there.....I'm really really happy about my face now, I don't care about my body really, it's always going to look a bit like a melted candle (LOL) and that's ok. But my face.....I look in the mirror now and it's like I'm seeing myself for the first time. It's like, I look at myself and say "that's where you've been hiding!!!"

- I look forward to going to the cinema and fitting comfortably in the seats
I was able to tick this one off just after Christmas, but got to do it again two nights ago! :) I never sit in those seats now without a little thrill....

Learning to love me and my new workout gear!

- I look forward to flying without asking for a seat extension and not worrying about how much I'll encroach on someone sitting next to me
Done, done and DONE! end of May - how awesome is that!!! Flying is now a complete and total pleasure!!!! All I have to do now is pick my next destination!!!!

- I look forward to many other things with my husband!!!! ;)
I think the fact that I'm saying no comment is comment enough!!!!!

- I look forward to b!@#s at work who wouldn't give me the time of day all of a sudden saying how great I look - and me promptly brushing them off for the ppl who were always there for me
Well as it turns out, those who I thought were there for me weren't always there for me...I've actually reassessed a lot since the surgery, and I'm getting to know people who I didn't have an opportunity to get to know before :) the support I've had is AMAZING, and from some of the most unlikely of sources!!!!

- I look forward to making new friends at bootcamps and gym classes and playing sports (even though I'm totally unco!)
Ok, so I'm not really up to classes, but I do go to the gym regularly which is lovely, and I'm walking regularly which is nice too :)

- I look forward to eating real food again (in smaller doses)

All dressed up and hitting the dance floor!

Check, check and check! I eat food just like everyone, but just halved, or quartered doses LOL

But the biggest milestone of all - on the 14th of June 2015 I officially became a double digits girl! That's right peeps, no longer do I tip the triples, now I'm daring in doubles! :) :)

At the moment I'm struggling in my head with the slight increase in caloric intake - I've gone from averaging 850 calories a day to more like 950 and I hate that! But my dietician said I kind of need to have more protein but in order to do that I need more calories. I know in my HEAD that I need the calories to fuel me, but there's a part of me that misses the 600-700 calorie days!

And on that note, its time for tea :) Onwards and upwards!

Sunnier days ahead!!! 9 months post op and double digits!

Identity Crisis

Time has rolled on relentlessly, and the last couple of weeks have been a rollercoaster or emotions. Last Monday I went to Sydney to visit the clinic that did my surgery, and the experience was less than pleasant. Unfortunately my dietician in Sydney believes the complete opposite to the dietician here, so it's hard to go and pay lipservice to one professional and not get a little freaked out by what they say, even though I trust my dietician here 100%. After a few days I got to speak to my dietician and he set my head right again so I felt a lot better. I wish I didn't need that external validation, but sometimes especially when it comes to this I do and I guess that's ok. At least I know where to go to get it!

I've been really struggling lately with negativity, and resentment, and anger. Not necessarily at myself, but at external factors. I have to learn to get past it, but I just dont know how. I feel like at the moment I'm trying to form a new identity, the identity of someone who is not overweight, someone who is healthy, and active, and confident. I dont quite know who I am anymore. Don't get me wrong I still have about 20kgs to reach what I think would be an acceptable weight for me, so I'm not there yet, but I'm starting to get into a more socially acceptable weight range, and I certainly am starting to look a little more socially acceptable (at least with clothes on!) so I guess the question I'm asking myself now is who am I without it? I feel like I have to start building up who I am again, and I'm not quite sure at this stage who that is yet. I get glimpses every once in a while, and I have to say I kinda like the person I get a snippet of every once in a while - I actually really like her. But then she gets clouded over by me and my insecurities, and hurt, and hang ups.

I'm so determined to make changes, both internally and externally. I still have many many issues, and as we go along I'm finding that they're bubbling to the surface and I'm having to try and work through them. There's someone at work that I'm REALLY struggling with, and I have to learn to get past my own issues I just dont know where to start.

As for the dietician, I've made the decision not to see her again. I don't think its useful for me to get all upset and confused, when I'm under the care of a professional who is realistic and helpful and who has a 100% track record! I'm learning how to take care of myself, how to slowly start to stand up for myself, and how to protect myself from things that aren't helpful or useful for me. I've also learnt how to select the people in my life that I want around, people who lift me up and make me feel better about myself. I've got a long way to go, there's so much in my way, so I'm learning to take things day by day and just try to make choices that are going to help me rather than hurt me.

On that note, I'm off to the gym!

"Me" Fatigue....

This Easter weekend I shot up to Queensland to visit with friends and family, and I got to see "Wicked" for the second time thanks to the tickets my dear husband bought me for my birthday :) I had a really great time, catching up with those who have known me the longest and the best, and it was a great time to sit back, relax and enjoy my new found freedom while relishing in the cries of "OMG you look so good!!!" ringing in my ears! :) I also discovered that I've become a little obsessive about calorie counting, something I NEVER thought would happen!!! How did I discover this you might ask?

I love Southbank! 

 Well, I have a prepaid phone, and on my phone I have "Myfitnesspal" :) It's the most AMAZING app, very easy to use, and I use it to track every single morsel of food I eat every single minute of every single day. I love it, and I've been using it to track and also to plan for the following day, which my dietician LOVES :) Unfortunately my phone started to run out of data, so I couldn't input the foods I was eating into it anymore. I went for about a day and a half without inputting my foods, though I am pretty confident I didn't go over my calorie allowance it was an interesting experiment. i was doing maths in my head, like, all the time and it became a little exhausting.

Dinner at Burger Urge!

I've never been one to count calories, so this has all been a new revelation - good grief I've BECOME one of those people!!!! Those people who know the caloric value of all their favourite junk food!!! aigh aigh aigh!!! The most interesting part was the moments of panic I would have sitting down to a meal knowing that I wasn't counting the calories in it.....AND how easy it was to instead of eating what I had PLANNED on eating instead eating what I felt like.

Chocolate Chocolate everywhere!!!!!

For example, I and my two best friends in the whole entire universe went to Burger Urge after we saw Wicked (OMG if you haven't been to Burger Urge, totally go - but if you've had weight loss surgery make sure you go with a friend who hasn't so they can share a burger with you!!!) I shared an asian burger with my bestie, she asked for it cut in half, so then I took the knife and cut a small wedge of burger off my half and ate a few chips. By the second small wedge of burger I was done - thankfully my bestie polished off the rest of my half AND hers!!! :) Now, had I budgeted my calories for half the burger I probably would have tried to plough on to fulfill this expectation - but because I wasn't tracking I listened to myself and knew that I was done. I was completely and totally full - amazing!!! I didn't feel like I'd missed out, AND I didn't make myself sick. Double win!

The tracking seems to be a double edged sword. On the one hand I'm getting to know what a "me" portion looks like now, and it's a LOT different to what it used to be. On the other hand though I am getting really sick of it, I feel like a slave to tracking everything. I know there will come a day when I dont have to do it anymore, and I know I'm not there yet - but sometimes I wish I could just let it go and just do what my psychologist talks about and just LIVE. I'm tired of rules, tired of restrictions, tired of tracking everything, tired of talking about the surgery and pretty tired of the navel gazing. Life beyond THIS still seems so remote and so far away, and so unknown. Who will I be without the weight? When I blend into the background, what will make me special? I'm so used to being the fat girl, my whole identity is changing and now I have to find other things that make me "me" - it's like a whole identity shift.

Time to get Wicked!

Here's a few things that I know about me that haven't changed:

1. I'm a loyal friend and I require the same from my friends
2. I'm pretty loud
3. I can be really melodramatic and a bit of a drama queen!
4. I don't have very thick skin, and I take things personally a lot
5. I struggle with anxiety and depression every single day
6. I have a strong work ethic and believe in working for what I want out of life
7. I have an aversion to injustice and I get really mad if I feel like I or my loved ones have been treated unfairly
8. I have a tendency to make friends with people who don't always treat me well and then find it hard to let go of them because I'm afraid of being left with no friends at all
9. I am a good person with a good heart
10. I deserve more than what I have accepted in the past and it's time for me to do what I need to do to make myself happy rather than to make other people happy.

As people shift in their perception of me, I don't ever want to forget what it was like to be socially rejected because of my weight. Yes the attention is lovely, and very encouraging - but the people that are all nice to me now were not all nice to me then, and while I accept and appreciate everyone I don't want to forget those who were on my side from the beginning. THOSE are the people I will be investing my time in.

Taking Stock....

So yesterday I had an appointment with my dietician, the first one in about six weeks. I always dread jumping on the scales with Chris because the numbers are always different from the lower ones at home!!! Anyways, we had a long chat and what shocked me was how pleased he was. As we talked, I realised just how far I had come, so I wanted to share a few of those changes!

1. Fear

Starting this journey, I was in a state of panic most days thinking that I will have had this surgery and it wont have made a difference, and I wont lose weight. I was so scared about wasting this opportunity that I white knuckled through every single day. As the weight began to drop, I started to let go of those fears. As Chris said, "if you don't lose weight eating less than 1000 calories a day, then girlfriend get ready for fame and fortune cos we'll win a nobel peace prize for solving world hunger!!! Either way we win!!" Unfortunately it looks like Chris misses out on that one!!! ha ha!

2. Eating patterns

Now dont get me wrong, I'm still on a bit of a trial and error basis!! My last "sliming episode" was a whole two days ago so I'm definitely still in the learning phase, but slowly and surely I'm picking up how much I can eat, what I can eat, and how slowly I need to eat. For example, I've stopped "grazing" - one thing that Chris told me was that if I'm going to eat something I have to put it on a plate and make an event of it. No picking! That's been a big change for me, but it's something I'm learning to do :)

Another thing is eating regularly - Chris said in order for me to be doing what I need to be doing I need to eat every couple of hours. The pattern has to be eat til I'm satisfied, let it go down, then eat again - I should never be absolutely famished nor should I ever be stuffed full. I'm really still in the learning phase of this one, but I'm getting better!

I'm still separating my fluids and foods also, which helps me to ensure that I am getting enough food and not stretching my stomach.

3. Tracking

"Myfitnesspal" changed my life! If you haven't seen this ap, you need to get it! It's simple and easy to use and I can track everything I eat easily. Chris nearly jumped for joy when I told him I'd been using it to plan my meals ahead of time - I enter in the night before what I'm going to eat the following day, and in doing so I've already got a plan in place :) It's harder to deviate from the plan when you have one! It also helps me to review the balance of WHAT I'm eating also, trying to get enough protein in my day is a constant struggle, I always seem to find more space in my diet for carbs and fats than I do for protein, but I make sure I NEVER EVER eat without protein - carbs without protein is just not on!

4. Exercise and Activity

Ok this is another work in progress, but the biggest amount of work I'm doing right now is on breaking down excuses and old mindsets that keep me from going to the gym or doing physical activity. One thing I'm working on right now is learning to not be afraid of physical activity - for example last week I had to get my car serviced, the honda dealer is a fair way from my workplace and in the past I've always gotten them to give me a lift and to drop my car off. Last week I made the decision to walk from the car dealers to work, and then walk BACK to the car dealers to pick up the car afterwards. Another example is weekly I take a walk up the main street from one end to the other to go to the library - it takes me between 15-20 minutes one way, so about 40 minutes round trip plus time spent at the library. It's a lovely lunch time activity that I enjoy, and I like the fact that I can walk and not be afraid of getting tired out. I certainly have more endurance than I once did, and its really changing the way I view physical activity. I'm heading to Qld next week to visit friends, and I am looking forward to going to the gym with Bennie and exercising together :) Who would have thought that!!!!

In terms of gym visits, getting there is still a daily struggle, but I'm slowly winning the war. I take it day by day, some days I lose some days I win. The point is I'm still going several times a week, and I'm working my way up to it being a daily thing that I'm not afraid of. Eventually I'll feel more confident to go to classes etc but that will take time. (I have a thing about classes, when they get hard I have a panic attack so I do freak out about classes - it's something I have to work up to!)

5. Who I Am

I'm starting to get a better sense of who I am and I know that sounds wierd - at the end of the day it's just weight I'm losing, but in doing so I am starting to form an identity without it. The weight was a negative thing for sure, but it did stand me apart from others (for all the wrong reasons!) so as I lose the weight, I'm finding I have to redefine who I am and what kind of person I want to be. Soon I'm going to be at a weight nad appearance that will blend into the crowd, which is amazing (I've always said I just wanted to feel normal!!!) but that also means that in that void I have to fill it with something else - something that is me. I've always been loud and outgoing on the outside, but that's not really who I am - that was something I used to hide the pain. Now I have to decide who I am. Am I still loud? Am I still outgoing? Am I shy? Am I private, or an open book. Do I WANT to be an open book anymore? I've already changed a lot on the inside, I've had to put in place some important boundaries that have really change the way I interact with the world, and I've lost friends as a result. I believe that as I move forward I'll figure out who I am, and hopefully that person will be someone other people will want to be around!

It's all such a massive journey, but it's so worth it. Today is nearly 6 months to the day since my surgery date, and I still probably have another 18 months until I go into maintenance. Losing the weight is really just a great side affect, and letting go of food is just the beginning.....

The Cracked Pot....

I have been accused often of being a crack pot, but that's not what I'm referring to here! I read this tonight and could really relate...I'm so grateful that God uses me with all my flaws and that even though I get anxious, and frustrated, and selfish and cranky....He still loves me :) 

The cracked pot

A water bearer in India had two large pots, each hung on each end of a pole which he carried across his neck. One of the pots had a crack in it, while the other pot was perfect and always delivered a full portion of water.

At the end of the long walk from the stream to the master’s house, the cracked pot arrived only half full. For a full two years this went on daily, with the bearer delivering only one and a half pots full of water in his Master’s house.

Of course, the perfect pot was proud of its accomplishments, perfect to the end for which it was made. But the poor cracked pot was ashamed of its own imperfection, and miserable that it was able to accomplish only half of what it had been made to do.

After two years of what it perceived to be a bitter failure, it spoke to the water bearer one day by the stream, “I am ashamed of myself, and I want to apologize to you.”

“Why?” asked the bearer. “What are you ashamed of?”

“I have been able, for these past two years, to deliver only half my load because this crack in my side causes water to leak out all the way back to your master’s house. Because of my flaws, you have to do all of this work, and you don’t get full value from your efforts,” the pot said.

The water bearer felt sorry for the old cracked pot, and in his compassion he said, “As we return to the master’s house, I want you to notice the beautiful flowers along the path.”

Indeed, as they went up the hill, the old cracked pot took notice of the sun warming the beautiful wild flowers on the side of the path, and this cheered it some. But at the end of the trail, it still felt bad because it had leaked out half its load, and so again the pot apologized to the bearer for its failure.

The bearer said to the pot, “Did you notice that there were flowers only on your side of the path, but not on the other pot’s side? That’s because I have always known about your flaw, and I took advantage of it. I planted flower seeds on your side of the path, and every day while we walked back from the stream, you’ve watered them. For two years I have been able to pick these beautiful flowers to decorate my master’s table. Without you being just the way you are, he would not have this beauty to grace his house.”

Each of us has our own unique flaws. We’re all cracked pots. Don’t be afraid of your flaws. Acknowledge them, and you, too, can be the cause of beauty. Know that in our weakness we find our strength.

 

!@#$%%

WARNING: this is NOT a happy/funny/light hearted/positive post. I would like to think that most of the time I can manage to be happy and positive and pleasant to be around but I'm only human, and there are days like today when I'm not. If you can't handle that, then tough cos I'm not a robot. If you can, read on.....


I am NOT a happy camper. The last two weeks I have once again plateaued but that believe it or not is NOT the problem.

I am !@#%ING SICK OF FOOD.

I'm sick of smelling it. I'm sick of looking at it. I'm sick of being SICK from it. I'm sick of thinking about it. I'm sick of preparing it. I'm sick of throwing it out. I'm sick of having to rearrange it in my fridge and freezer so I can fit in MORE of it.

I AM SICK OF IT.

And the worst part is, I have no idea what to do now.

Today was my husband's birthday, and as you can imagine my eating was not fantastic. Not entirely over the top, but not fantastic. Breakfast bacon and egg on half an english muffin, lunch was biccies and nibblies with the family, dinner was chinese food. I didn't even manage dessert. I worked REALLY hard to make the day everything he wanted it to be, and he had a good day which is awesome. My in laws came over, bringing soft drink I can't drink (despite REALLY wanting to), pickles we'll throw away in a few months and about 5 cucumbers we have no way in HELL of eating because I'm the only one that eats anything remotely like that and I'd be lucky to use a few slices in a salad once in a while.

So we plough through dinner, and despite it being WAY earlier than I planned and being stinking hot I sat there in my pink cowboy hat and sweated it out in our half finished outdoor area. I ate too fast, and felt ill afterwards. I then had to wait and wait before being able to down fluids, which I am now doing like its going out of fashion because I'm dehydrated, causing me once again to feel bloated and sick but STILL thirsty.

So my weight has stalled, I feel incredibly fat and hot and sweaty, and what's my job for this evening? Cleaning out the refrigerator and throwing OUT all the food that has gone off because I cannot eat it. Gee, that sounds like fun doesn't it. (hear the sarcasm?) Yet another reminder of all the money wasted, of all the failed attempts to find some kind of balance, and all the failures I've had of late.

Why is this so hard? Where has all my resolve gone? I'm so tired all the time I barely make it to the gym once a week because every morning I wake up so so tired that I talk myself out of it, no matter how "on top" of things something always comes along to derail me, my skin is sagging in ALL the wrong places, my head hurts most of the time, and I just feel so incredibly SICK OF IT ALL. And all for what? It's not like i'm going to have a great figure at the end of this. Yes I'll be healthier, and be able to DO more things, but will anyone really care? When does this journey end and when does the fighting and struggling and scratching for every single tiny victory stop? When can I just LIVE??????!!!!!!!!

Right now I just feel like I'm failing at everything I try to do. My job SUCKS because I'm being treated like CRAP but because I swore I wouldn't gossip and bitch this year I can't exactly confide in anyone who understands. And my husband is so wonderful and so supportive but all he gets is a tired, cranky saggy old cow who is so wrapped up in her own little world that she can't give him what he wants. The friends I deeply love and who actually reciprocate I dont quite know how to talk to about all this because THEY dont understand either, and thanks to my plethora of trust issues I'm not that great at opening up to anyone who HAS.

So here I am, pathetically pouring it all out on a blog instead. Easier to talk to something that wont try to problem solve or even talk back.

For anyone who has the misfortune to have read this far, please don't pity me. I've been accused enough in recent months of having a "pity party" when I dare have a bad day. I really have a wonderful life, but right now I'm standing in a forest and all I see is the trees.

Just give me a wave from the daylight above the hole I've dug for myself and say a prayer that it will get better.

The Little Wars.....

One thing that marvels me on a regular basis is how sometimes it's not the BIG things that we war with, it's the tiniest things that we're MEANT to do but don't. I'm perplexed as to why I keep sabotaging myself along this journey - its not that I dont know what I need to do, absolutely I know....things like, drink more water (uggghhhh hate the taste of water!), take benefibre, 2 multi vitamins a day (I'm lucky to get one in!) physical exercise, take my meds....it's so simple!!!! These aren't hard things to do. It doesn't even have a negative impact on my day - in fact in a lot of cases it improves things! I make myself SICK over worrying about big things, but it's the little things that will have a drastic impact long term.

So I fight my little wars. Today I took my multivitamin (uggh) and I just went to the fridge and got my water bottle (blogging just reminded me!) and with a swig of water took my meds. This afternoon I will pack my gym bag for tomorrow morning's session, try and get some benefibre to my afternoon drinks and get to bed early. I fight every single day to try and tick all the boxes, and I dont think there's been a single day yet when I've been able to tick every box and do everything that I'm supposed to do. People say "dont be so hard on yourself, be kind to yourself"and I try - but the reality is I spent close to 10 GRAND for this surgery, and I cannot go back now.

Why is it so hard????

Oh Mother Where Art Thou?

As a married woman of nearly 11 years with no children, motherhood is something that still mystifies me a little bit. Of course, being my age and having been married a while I've long since been through the inevitable "so....when will you start a family?" "Are you thinking about it?" "if you are, what time line?" "Will you do IVF if you can't?" "What about fostering?" "Will you adopt?" - the list is endless!

A beautiful friend of mine posted something on Facebook the other day about time, and I noticed immediately someone else posted about not having any time because they have children - this got me thinking about how defensive we as women can become about motherhood and whether we have time or not. Most women who haven't had children would argue that their time is already pretty stretched, and I would definitely fall into that category - it always feels as if while I'm devoting time to one thing I'm neglecting something else. Kind of a like a juggler who has one more ball in the air then they can handle - you have to drop one, or you risk dropping them all!

Now, if you talk to women who HAVE had one or more children, they of course would argue that as a childless woman they had HEAPS more time then they do with children. And of course I have no doubt that it seems that way - though I'd argue that perhaps its more about a priority SHIFT rather than the addition of more time sucking activities! The defense of our right to choose whether we have children or not is so wrapped up in our identity of being a woman that it's really hard to comfortably sit with either choice. On the one hand you have women who have children. They talk endlessly about first words, first steps, behaviour management, stain removal, craft projects, car pools and soccer games. They wear joggers and sweats and pull their hair back in ponytails and barely manage a touch of lip gloss. They swap recipes, and have a role in society that is easily categorised and accepted. They are the pictures of love, and patience, and have some kind of innate patience that childless women cannot understand. They swirl for me in an aura of importance - in a mist of mothers instinct that somehow they got impregnated with the moment they gave birth - an instinct that I for some unknown reason have never possessed. They know true pain. They are the warriors who worry, pray, clean and cook their way through life and who have to give up certain things in order to pay attention to their children and thereby are left with the vacume of the life unlived - the balls that have to drop.....

Hobbies....plop.......self care......plop......date nights......plop......coffee with friends (dare I say especially with friends who DONT have children).....plop......sense of identity outside of being a mother....plop.....careers......plop......

Then there's the rest of us, those that for whatever reason have not shed the 'fruits of our loins' (ha ha!). We disenfranchised few who hover at the edges of womanhood...even if you're married its impossible to escape the endless questions and the pitying head nods and blanched smiles at the quiet "no, no children" that inevitably follows. Those with children envy our project rooms, our craft activities, our scrapbooking, singing, rehearsals, yoga classes, gym sessions, coffee dates and late night dinners. Our time is, in some contexts, viewed as less valuable than those with blossoming families - after all, a woman with children asking for time off to deal with a sick child, or to spend Christmas with her thriving clan has all the legitimacy in the world.....but take a woman with no children needing time off to tend to a sick friend or spend Christmas with their parents and somehow that is slightly less powerful. More than once I've been at work and have heard someone or other being nominated to go out on a late night job because they dont have children, and it always makes my blood boil just a little. Not because I necessarily disagree that tending to your children should take precedence - I don't - not even a little bit. What I do object to however is the idea of putting someone up for the job JUST because they don't have kids. After all, time is time, whether you have children or not, and we all don't have enough. And, just like women who HAVE children, we have our own balls that drop......

Playdates with friends who DO have kids.....plop.......the laughter and fulfilment that comes with children....plop.....societal expectations.......plop.......mother's groups.......plop......passing on your legacy to the next generation......plop.....preconcieved ideas of the role of a woman.....plop......the unconditional love of a child......plop

It's powerful stuff to think of a life without children. I don't see one or the other choice as better or worse than each other, just really different. Both carry their own regrets, their own sense of loss, their own pros and cons. The reality is I don't know whether I can have children or not. I may not be able to. The jury is still well and truly out - I can't even try for children for another 8+ months. I don't know what set of balls I have to drop yet, and I don't know whether I want to drop either. But inevitably I cannot keep all the balls in the air - either I'll grow too old to have children, or my body will reach a weight where I do fall pregnant, or I'll find out at some point in the future that motherhood will not happen for me.

The only thing I know for sure is that time, like many things, is relative,  and this morning while a saucepan of milk on the stove boiled over while I was trying to make coffee and I was moving my puking cat from the carpet to the tiles and then consequently clean up cat puke from my floor I was reminded yet again that even without children sometimes we just don't have the ability to keep the balls in the air.

So I cleaned up the cat puke, and the boiled over milk, I took a moment to thank God for the fact that I DON'T yet have children, and I accepted the notion that sometimes the balls have to drop. The most important thing is not whether you let things drop, but whether you pick them back up and carry on!